THE BUMP AND DATE
A Treatment by Rory J�ger
EXT. THE NEW YORK STREET: Kramer walks down the sidewalk eating a sandwich. Coming upon two youths spray painting graffiti on a wall, he stops to watch. He gazes in childlike wonder as the boys paint. Even as he leans his head back to finish off the sandwich, he can�t take his eyes away from the wall. As a result, he fumbles the sandwich into the open top of the knapsack he wears squarely on his back. He reaches and strains, trying to retrieve the sandwich without taking his pack off. Simultaneously he squats, trying to launch the sandwich out of the pack so that he can catch it. Desperately and with building fury he twists and whirls- like a dog chasing its own tail. He gropes and flails. A passerby informs the two graffiti artists that two beat cops are a half a block down and headed their way. The boys drop their spray cans and flee. Meanwhile Kramer in an attempt to get his pack off, has gotten his arms trapped under his pack straps, effectively putting himself into a straight jacket. Struggling wildly, he loses his balance and crashes to earth- tumbling and thrashing. He rolls right up to the wall and his knee wedges one of the dropped paint cans against the wall in just the right position to cause it to start spraying. With a surge of energy, Kramer literally breaks his pack straps and grabs for the can which has covered the front of his shirt with paint. An instant after he takes to his feet, shirt and hands covered with incriminating paint, the two cops arrive. They see the fresh graffiti on the wall and then narrow their eyes at the hopefully grinning and paint covered Kramer, can in hand. INT. JERRY�S APARTMENT: Elaine�s voice comes over the intercom: �One to beam up.� �All right sir,� Jerry says as he buzzes her inside. Jerry�s door swings open and in walks Kramer. As the door closes it catches the tail of Kramer�s untucked shirt, tearing it completely off of his body with a graceful snap- almost like a parachute opening. Oblivious and with distant eyes, Kramer continues to advance toward the refrigerator. George, sitting on the couch looks in disbelief at Jerry who squints at Kramer: �Ya lose something there?� Kramer, mind still elsewhere glances at Jerry: �What?� Kramer follows Jerry�s eyes down to his bare torso- he jolts and jerks in shock: �Na, na, this is all wrong!� Jerry grimaces: �We�re your ancestors hard rock uranium miners by any chance?� Kramer spins- spots his shirt dangling in the door and steps to recover it. Hanging it back on his frame he heads again for the refrigerator, stopping en route to take a piece of scotch tape from the counter with which he secures the front of his shirt. Elaine arrives looking haggard and exasperated. She wears string driving gloves. Jerry asks her about the gloves and she explains that Peterman has assigned her to field test them for the week and along with the gloves, he issued her a Ferrari. �The clutch pedal is like working out on a weight machine,� she whines. �I stalled out ten times just getting here. Have you ever driven one of those things?� �Oh sure,� Jerry responds. �When I was with the CIA and posted to Paris, I had several Ferraris in my stable.� George now gets up- disgusted, he throws aside the newspaper he has been trying to read. He complains that he can�t read it because it has been �refolded improperly�. Jerry picks up the paper to examine it and can�t see what the hell his friend is talking about. George explains: �When you read a paper, you have to be careful about refolding it right- if you�re off by even a split-fraction it screws the whole thing up- everything gets all lose and off-line. I can�t read a paper that isn�t tight.� He stalks out announcing he�s going to get another paper. Kramer, continuing his study of the refrigerator calls to Elaine, telling her that if she needs a few lessons on the Ferrari, he can provide them. Kramer is incredulously questioned about how he could possibly know anything about Ferraris. �For a season in my youth I served as a valet at the Tavern on the Green,� he explains. �We handled Italian Stallions now and then- they�re thoroughbreds- wild ones Jerry.� Elaine fixes her gaze on Kramer: �Thanks anyway but I don�t want to be responsible for you getting in and out of a car that low to the ground considering your entry and exit issues.� �As you wish,� Kramer replies as he takes a beer and closes the refrigerator door. He shakes the beer like a bottle of salad dressing and pops it open, causing Elaine and Jerry to duck- but no beer flies. Kramer looks quizzically at his friends as he opens the door to leave- he can�t imagine what possibly caused them to duck. He glances up at the ceiling and then is gone. EXT. THE STREET: George buys a nice �tight� newspaper. Standing behind him waiting their turn are two stunning blondes. One speaks to the other in a thick Danish accent. She tells her friend that she only has three more days in which to complete the story she is doing on American baseball. She says she is desperately worried because despite all her efforts, she can�t make any sense of the game. George overhearing this turns around and offers his services. She accepts and we find out she works for a Scandinavian television station. They walk off to have coffee. EXT. THE STREET: Coming down onto the street from their building Jerry and Kramer encounter Newman, who is out circulating a petition to lobby Washington to officially change the name �postal service� to �Postal Corps�- as more suitably befits Newman�s manly profession. Jerry openly expresses serious doubt about Newman�s project- �Corps is usually reserved for some kind of elite unit Newman- I�m thinkin� yours doesn�t quite qualify.� Mustering a bravely indignant front, Newman seems deeply wounded by Jerry�s comment. Continuing on their way, Jerry asks Kramer about his �little run-in with the law�. Kramer corrects Jerry: �It wasn�t a �run in�- just a light contact, a mild encounter.� �Whatever- did ya get it worked out?� Jerry asks. �Me is not what this is about,� Kramer insists. �My eyes are suddenly open- an entire branch of our artistic community is being subjected to brutal oppression,� Kramer says. �Its senseless Jerry- we can�t just stand by while these sensitive souls are hounded and hunted everyday in this city.� Kramer spots some graffiti in an alley and drags Jerry over to it. �Just look,� Kramer says gesturing expansively at the graffiti. �He has achieved vivid line as well as rich color- it leaps to the eye! Echoes of classical sobriety, while decidedly rococo- yet rugged. I�m telling you Jerry something must be done- its our oldest tradition in art- but you can bet none of early man�s cave painters had to keep watch over their shoulders for the storm troopers of the NYPD. No- their work is celebrated; protected by universities; cossetted in museums. Its unjust- something must be done.� INT. ELAINE�S BORROWED FERRARI: While starting out at a stop light, Elaine loses control of the car and lightly bumps the car in front of her, stalling out. The driver of the car she has just tapped gets out. He is a dashing and handsome man. He glances at the back of his car and the front of Elaine�s as he smoothly walks back toward Elaine�s window. Charmingly he leans inside and informs her that no damage has been done. She stares transfixed at him- like a smitten school girl. EXT. THE STREET: We follow Kramer and Newman on a series of missions to aid and protect the graffiti artists of New York: As two bicycle cops close in on an unsuspecting spray can artist about to be caught in the act, a cry is suddenly heard. The cops stop and spot Newman back across the street clutching his arm and wailing in pain. Immediately the cops rush to his aid asking if he�s having a heart attack or has just been mugged or what. Meanwhile Kramer appears at the side of the spray painter who now sees the cops thanks to Newman�s noise. �Go, go, and return later to your rough-hewn canvas and easel,� Kramer tells the kid. Next two cops chase several boys carrying spray paint cans. Suddenly a series of loud bangs ring out. The cops stop and whirl, abandoning their pursuit. Cop #1: �Were those blackcats?� Cop #2: �No way man- its too far from the Fourth of July.� The cops rush off to investigate the bangs, gripping their pistols in their holsters. They pass right by Newman who stands concealed in a hiding place, clutching a string of fire crackers. �Rookies,� Newman laughs to himself with glee. Two NYPD mounted police men have several graffiti artists backed into a corner. One officer holds his partner�s horse while the other dismounts and calls for a squad car. Kramer, walkie talkie in hand, moves in on the scene. He radios Newman, giving him the signal to �go�. Newman, wearing a flesh colored body suit with a leaf at the crotch, bursts from cover and dashes into the open just down the street. Kramer, concealing his radio shouts to the cops, pointing urgently at Newman�s distant figure. �Streaker!� Kramer bellows. The dismounted cop runs to apprehend Newman, who slips into a building. The cop still on his horse and holding his partner�s mount keys his radio to report this new incident, calling for additional backup. Kramer looks at the police horses and whispers to them: �Hey fellas, Henry Ford freed the horses.� The mounted cop overhears him and barks at Kramer: �Yeah, and Samuel Colt invented the revolver. Now you people move along- all of you!� The cop trots off toward the building his partner has just entered in pursuit of Newman as Kramer walks away with the graffiti artists he has just liberated.
In the next scene, standing at a lunch counter Kramer offers to buy two men in overalls and work boots another cup of coffee. Smiling they refuse saying Kramer has already bought them two cups and they must be on their way. Kramer asks them what project they are off to undertake, knowing full well the answer: they are contractors the city has hired to clean graffiti off of walls around town. A moment after the cleaning crew leaves the restaurant, Newman appears at Kramer�s side. �It is done,� Newman reports conspiratorially. We cut to the street to see the two cleaning crew members throwing up their hands in disbelief- both sides of their white van have been spray painted with heavy graffiti. They start to unload their equipment to clean their own vehicle, remarking that it will take them more than half the day to do so, and they can forget about getting any of the city cleaned up. Kramer and Newman haul a homemade partition down the street consisting of two eight foot wooden tripods rigged with two bed sheets. Finding a graffiti artist at work, they set the contraption up to give him some privacy. �Your studio my man,� Kramer announces. The kid scowls: �Are you trying to �dis me ?� Kramer then gets a face full of spray paint. This delights Kramer. As the kid stalks off, Kramer grins at Newman: �You know Michelangelo in a rage once nearly hurled a pope from his scaffold in the Sistine Chapel.� INT. JERRY�S APARTMENT: �But the date didn�t work out?� Jerry asks Elaine. She answers that no they didn�t hit it off, but she doesn�t care- she�s almost giddy: �I don�t know why I�m just discovering this- it opens up a whole new singles scene.� �You mean you�re gonna use this now- ya mean go around and bump guys on purpose just to get their phone number?� Jerry asks incredulously. �Just the goodlooking ones,� Elaine answers. �Thank God for the Congress of the United States and the 5 mile an hour bumper law they forced on the auto makers- I just keep it under five and give the guy a tap and boom- bag him,� Elaine says. �A Bump and Date,� Jerry says shaking his head. George arrives, introducing the Danish reporter to Elaine and Jerry and explaining that he is helping her with a baseball story. Elaine says she must be off and steps to leave. Jerry makes polite conversation with the Danish reportress, asking how her understanding of American baseball is coming along. She answers that George is doing a splendid job of teaching her and that in fact they have come to Jerry�s because George suggested they watch one of the games he has on tape. She says to George that later, he can tell her more about his days as a Yankee. At this Jerry glares at George, but says nothing as George pleads with his eyes. Jerry finds and starts up a tape of an old game and George stands behind the couch as the woman sits and leans forward to watch. George fast forwards into the game a bit as she gets out a pad and pen to take notes.
As things get going she calls the bats sticks and the ball a puck. When the announcer says the count is one and one, she protests that the screen says that the score is 0 to 0. �Are their two scores at the same time?� she asks. George tries and abjectly fails to clarify. She seems to think the batter is analogous to a hockey goalie- she claps thinking a ball going past the batter is a goal- then frowns as George explains that �the pitch was a ball- and no good for us�. Then she furrows her brow as George tells her the pitcher is throwing it so �he can hit but also throwing it so that he can�t hit it�. George makes another mess of an explanation attempt. Things get progressively worse and the woman is obviously getting very bad notes on American baseball. George however is just letting it go. He can�t properly translate baseball to her- and he gives up without much effort or qualm. Concerned Jerry calls George over to have a word with him, asking what the hell he is doing. George whines softly: �Ya wanna help me- she�s only here for three days.� Jerry grimaces: �I don�t know George, this is starting to spin out of control- first impersonating a Yankee- that�s a serious offense and now you are going to confuse all of Scandinavia beyond any hope of ever understanding American baseball for God knows how many generations- do you want that on your head just so you can be this woman�s 3 day boyfriend?� Suddenly the door flies open and in comes Kramer with an arm load of bricks. He dumps them on the floor and heads for the window. �Just a minute Newman!� he calls down to the street as he gets the window open. He then gets a plastic garbage can from his own apartment and secures a rope to it as he returns. He lowers the can and then seconds later starts to haul it back up- with great labor. An alarmed Jerry demands to know what is going on. The reportress is on her feet and standing close by and a little behind George, as if for protection. Getting the first load of bricks up, and calling down to Newman to take a break, Kramer explains that he salvaged a wall from a building that was demolished that morning. He announces that he intends to reconstruct and preserve the wall because of the original and irreplaceable piece of art work it carries. Catching his breath he now sees the blonde reporter and introduces himself. As she does so in kind, and tells him she�s Danish, he smiles and raises an eye brow: �Ah Scandinavian- a polar babe.� Kramer learns that George is giving her a primer on baseball and tells the woman he once was sitting in the stands behind home plate in Denver and caught a bat and ball at the same time- only time in world history- and is campaigning to become the only fan inducted into the hall of fame. She notes this on her pad as Kramer turns to Jerry and asks him if he knows a place that sells and engraves brass plaques �for cheap�- he intends to go around town putting plaques announcing protected status on selected examples of New York�s graffiti art. INT. ELAINE�S BORROWED FERRARI: Ms. Benes spots a target and heads in- tapping his bumper lightly. As he pulls over, she hops out and walks seductively to his window, leaning in as he rolls it down. He starts to find his proof of insurance and dials out on his cell phone. �What are you doing?� Elaine asks. �Reporting this accident,� the man says. �Maybe it wasn�t an accident,� Elaine says flirting with the man suggestively. The man looks at her in shock and then turns angry, leaping from his car. He spots a cop car coming up the street and flags it down while calling to Elaine: �You rich people in your Ferraris- think you can do anything you want and get away with it!� INT. A LOCAL SPORTING GOODS STORE: George is with the Danish reporter and her crew as she prepares to shoot a segment of her report on baseball. He stands watching from behind the camera as she, with baseball equipment in the background speaks into her microphone in her native language. George is surprised when she signals her camera man to pause, and waves George over. She tells him she needs more for this segment- she wants to ask him a few questions- �You can talk of your hero Mickey Mantle George and introduce him to my people!� George protests that he can�t speak Danish, but she explains that a voice over will be done interpreting him for the audience. George smiles and enters heartily into the interview as the crew starts taping again. INT. TOM�S RESTAURANT: Elaine tells Jerry of the �Bump and Date� that backfired- but she is undaunted. She explains that the guy was one wacko out of a million- that the accident caused no damage and the cops told the guy to go home. She intends to proceed with her newfound man-bagging method. George proudly details his interview for Scandinavian television. The adrenaline is obviously still flowing. As he finishes Jerry throws on the wet blanket, reminding him about the fact that the Danish woman�s report is certain to be a disaster after learning baseball under George�s tutelage. �Somebody over there is gonna have to know baseball George- an ex-exchange student of some sort- somebody�s gonna blow the whistle hard.� George�s mood turns suddenly meek and worried, then he musters a pathetic surge of false courage: �Why would anybody over there care about the precise details of a game they�ll never play? It would be like you and me paying close attention to a report on shaving your legs -we�ll never need to know.� George tells Jerry that television �could tell us almost anything about Norwegian sleigh racing� and that they wouldn�t know the difference- even if they were momentarily interested. �Besides- who says just because a bunch of foreigners show up with cameras we are obligated to start spilling out guts to them and giving out our secrets? Those reindeer herders got what they deserved.� George says. Jerry levels his gaze firmly on George. �Is it your absolute determination to leave nothing behind you in this world but wreckage?� Jerry demands. George averts his eyes. Kramer arrives with three hub caps in hand and sits down. He explains that he checked into brass plaques to protect New York�s al fresco art, but that present price levels are prohibitive. Kramer has however gotten a line on a large supply of hub caps. These he says will serve as makeshift plaques until a contributor with sufficiently deep pockets can be brought on board. Newman, who has become a master engraver in his spare time, will produce the markers. Kramer reflects that the hub caps may even speak more effectively to the people and more quickly start a grass roots movement. �Folksy plaques Jerry- its like the 60�s.� Jerry raises his eyebrows and says that actually, this idea is the first remotely sane one he�s heard from Kramer since 1982. But then he reminds Kramer that he has no authority to start granting protected status to anything, much less a public nuisance. At this Kramer becomes disgusted, and somewhat distraught, leaving in a muted rage. EXT. THE STREET: Elaine tools along in her borrowed Ferrari. At a stoplight, she spots a handsome man driving a late model sedan. �Oh yeah baby,� Elaine says out loud to herself. As the light changes she starts to move into position behind the sedan to execute a �Bump and Date.� We cut to the interior of the sedan. The driver calls back to the back seat, where a 60ish man lies flat holding his head. �Are those aspirin helping at all Mr. Ambassador?� the younger man at the wheel asks without turning his head. The older man answers that his migraine is just getting worse and to hurry on to the residence. Elaine sees only the good looking young man driving the sedan. In getting her car behind his, she cuts off the car behind her without realizing it. We discover that this car carries two of the ambassador�s bodyguards- dressed in sweat suits. The bodyguards change lanes and come along side Elaine looking at her with irritated expressions. Elaine is oblivious- she lines up her target and goes in for the kill. As she taps the ambassador�s car, she stalls and hops out of her car. Immediately the bodyguards squeal to a halt and also jump out, reaching into their coats for their guns and grabbing Elaine. We cut to the other side of the street where Kramer and Newman are on foot, walking as they eat sandwiches. Startled by the squealing tires of the bodyguards� car, they look over at the commotion in the street. �Come on- Elaine is in trouble!� Kramer says. The alarmed Kramer grabs Newman�s sandwich in addition to his own as he rushes to Elaine�s aid. �I�ll create a diversion!� Newman blurts. As Kramer runs into the street, Newman lights strings of fire crackers- plus a red smoke bomb, -throwing them like grenades to his left and right. The bodyguards let Elaine go and whirl around at the sound of the fire crackers, leveling their guns. Kramer, hurls the sandwiches- two-fisted- into the faces of the bodyguards. Then Newman charges into the street from the bodyguards� blind side with spectacular bravery. Like an NFL linebacker he plows over the sweatsuited bodyguards he and Kramer have mistaken for gunmen, knocking them to the ground. Kramer is already throwing Elaine into the passenger seat of the Ferrari. He takes the wheel of the car and slams it into reverse, squealing tires as Newman dives onto the hood. Newman goes spread eagle- Secret Service style, covering the passenger side of the windshield behind which Elaine sits. EXT. KRAMER�S/NEWMAN�S/JERRY�S APARTMENT BUILDING: Elaine sits in a daze on the curb behind the parked Ferrari. A cocky Newman smokes a cigarette like an Israeli commando after a mission behind the lines. �Perhaps we should now discuss my fee,� Newman says to Elaine. �That was damn near the �Wild Geese� back there- and mercenaries don�t come cheap in this world,� Newman continues.
�Hey, hey big buddy, you were quite something back there- where did all that come from?� Kramer asks Newman. Newman looks as if he�s been accused of a crime: �I-I don�t know- I was just following you- you started it,� Newman whimpers pathetically. Then Newman eyes the hood of the Ferrari which he now notices he badly dented when he landed on it during the rescue- whisps of steam starts to rise from the engine underneath. Hurriedly he tamps out his cigarette and scurries away. Elaine has not seen the damage yet and wonders aloud, amazed that Newman swung into action with Kramer. Kramer answers that he guesses �Most guys have at least one good hostage rescue in them�. �Good thing you learned to drive one of these things as a valet when you were a kid,� Elaine says to Kramer nodding at the Ferrari. Her voice is detached, her eyes distant. She is obviously still in very deep shock. Kramer diffidently hands her the stick shift, which he pulled off in his hand during their narrow escape- �Yeah, well its been a while. I�m a little rusty.� INT. JERRY�S APARTMENT: Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer watch the evening news as a report winds up about the Mayor's office being deluged with call from citizens outraged over the unusual plaques that have appeared all over town announcing the protected status of graffiti. Next the anchorman tells of breaking news: they go to a New York hospital where a reporter tells of information just released about �a botched kidnapping attempt of the Czechoslovakian ambassador in Manhattan today.� The report then cuts to the sweat suited bodyguards explaining that they clearly witnessed the woman involved intentionally ramming the ambassador�s sedan. Then they say: �Two thugs- possibly Russian Mafia types- attacked.� Only clear headed action by the bodyguards averted the abduction of the ambassador the news report says. A composite police sketch of Elaine appears on the screen. Kramer explains to Jerry that he drove all the way home in reverse- �Tore the stick shift right off as soon as we peeled out.� Jerry absorbs all this with absolute disbelief- he turns to his friends: "Okay all three of you listen up. I'm giving you two choices- you can either all go down together and turn yourselves in, or you can ship out for the French Foreign Legion," Jerry says. George whines: "What did I do?" Jerry answers: "The execution of the deliberate athletic deception of the entire region of Northwestern Europe. I don't know if they have any laws right now with which to deal with you, but I'm sure if you go to the police with your confession, they'll be back in touch." George dismisses this and turns with light hearted smugness toward Elaine. �I don't know about that, but I do know that�s no way to make a television appearance,� George tells her. , pointing at the television that just displayed her wanted poster. We SMASH CUT to the report on American baseball George helped with for Scandinavian television. George is on screen as holding forth as a voice over translates his remarks in Danish. A caption is superimposed on the screen under George identifying him to all the Scandinavian world as �Mickey Mantle -#7�.
TAG: Kramer stands next to the damaged Ferrari on the street in front of the apartment house. He grows terminally impatient with �waiting for the tow truck�. He phones the Ferrari shop waiting for the car to be delivered for repairs. �Look- I�ll be right down there pal,� Kramer tells them over the phone. Kramer hops in the Ferrari and roars off- in reverse. He pulls alongside a couple who are stopped in their car and waiting at a stoplight. Both drivers windows are down and Kramer smiles and waves and calls over to explain why he is driving backwards: �Just a little stick shift failure while I was evading gunmen yesterday.� he confides- as if its a common problem anybody would immediately understand and identify with. The man in the car next to him quickly rolls up his window and squeals his tires as he peels out in reverse, getting the hell away from this obvious mad man loose on the streets of Gotham.