I wouldn't exactly call this a fanfic, since I really intended for it to get made, but it seems that the show isn't accepting any unsolicited manuscripts. So I'm putting it out there for fans to enjoy (especially since it's been a long time since we've seen a new episode).
Enjoy.
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
"THE KLANSMAN" AN ORIGINAL TELEPLAY BY
CHRIS SCHUMACHERMay 19th, 2003
INT. DELI -- MORNING
LARRY and JEFF are standing in the line for the counter. They each carry a tray with various foods on them. LARRY is in front of JEFF. There are three people in front of them, the first one has just been checked out.
LARRY
So Jason really wants
to talk about trying it
again? JEFF
Yeah, he's pretty sure
you can sell the series
to UPN. LARRY
UPN? They're still around? JEFF
What? Of course they're
still around. LARRY
Well excuse me, I don't
watch that much television
anymore. JEFF
Are you kidding me? You watch
at least one game a week. LARRY
(Indignant)
Does UPN ever show football? JEFF
I don't know; some of the
syndicates might.CHRIS, the counterman, slams his hand down on the tray that someone has slid in front of him. He moves a salad bowl over to reveal that the person had hidden a candy bar on the edge of their tray.
CHRIS
Nice try. Get out of here. WOMAN
(Confused)
What? CHRIS
We don't take kindly to
thieves around here. Get
out before I call the
cops. WOMAN
You fucking asshole!The woman tries to topple the tray, but CHRIS's hand is still on it, holding it down. She fumes and storms out. On LARRY and JEFF, who look stunned. There's only one person in line ahead of them.
LARRY
(quiet)
Can you believe that? JEFF
What was going on? I
missed it. LARRY
She tried to sneak a
candy bar through
without paying for it. JEFF
I can't believe he
threw her out for that.
Can he even do that?Unseen by LARRY (he's turned around to talk to JEFF) the person in front of them has checked out.
LARRY
He's like the Soup Nazi. CHRIS
I bet you think you're
really clever.LARRY turns around and looks at CHRIS, rather pissed that he was listening in on their conversation.
LARRY
What? CHRIS
Quoting that show, like
it's something you came
up with yourself. You're
just recycling ideas that
you aren't clever enough
to come up with on your
own. LARRY
I happen to have co-created
that show, you moron. CHRIS
(skeptical)
You're Larry David?LARRY gets his driver's license out of his wallet and slaps it on the counter. CHRIS picks it up. He suddenly looks penitent.
CHRIS
(handing it back)
I'm very sorry, Mister
David. If you'll allow
me, I'll pay for your
lunch myself.LARRY tries to hide his surprise with indignance.
LARRY
Well, all right then...CUT TO:
INT. LARRY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT
LARRY is sitting in bed reading THE INFERNO. He looks ill at ease from the severe pro-Catholic style of the writing. CHERYL, wearing her bathrobe and flossing, walks out of the bathroom.
CHERYL
I hope you're not going
to kill this deal because
of the dueling offices
again. LARRY
We decided to discuss
it over lunch, equidistant
from each other's offices. CHERYL
I can't believe how petty
you can be sometimes.LARRY puts down The Inferno.
LARRY
You know what I can't
believe? You recommending
this to me. You have a
problem with someone
cutting down a tree, but
you can read 33 cantos
of people being tortured
by demons and swimming
in shit? CHERYL
It's a classic. LARRY
So's "Triumph Of The
Will", but you don't
see me owning a DVD
of that, do you? CHERYL
Dante isn't anti-semetic. LARRY
Oh I think he is. All the
pre-Christ Jews are in
Heaven, sure, but what
do you think happened to
all the ones that were
born after? The best you
can hope for is to be
in Limbo being buggered
by Greek philosphers.CHERYL climbs into bed.
CHERYL
You remembered that we
were going to Doug's
party tomorrow, didn't
you? LARRY
Well yeah I... Oh damn,
I invited Jeff over. We
were going to watch the
NHL draft picks on ESPN. CHERYL
You're going to have to
cancel then. We promised
Doug and Carol we'd come
a month ago. LARRY
Well that was a month
ago, maybe he forgot. CHERYL
Forget it Larry, Jeff
was invited too,
remember?LARRY sighs. CHERYL turns out the light, LARRY turns his out as well. Darkness.
LARRY
(con't)
Where do we know them
from anyway? Did we
meet them in a lube
shop or something? CHERYL
I went to College with
Carol, remember. She
was the Food Sciences
major. LARRY
Oh, so that's why
Doug has such a
large ass.CUT TO: INT. DOUG&CAROL's HOUSE, DUSK
DOUG, somewhat plump but nowhere near Jeff's size, is hunched over, placing cocktail weenies on a platter. CHERYL, LARRY, JEFF and SUSIE are standing behind him. LARRY is wearing a jacket, CHERYL is wearing a shoulder wrap. CHERYL is looking around for someone to talk to, LARRY is staring at DOUG's ass. He nudges CHERYL and points. CHERYL slaps him lightly on the arm, though not playfully. DOUG turns around and approaches them.
DOUG
Thank you for
coming. LARRY
(deadpan)
We wouldn't
miss it. DOUG
(to the Davids)
Can I take your
coats?CHERYL takes her wrap off and hands it to DOUG. Larry holds out both his hands and waves them in front of him.
LARRY
No thanks, I'm
a bit chilly.DOUG looks at him for a whole two second, then nods and goes off to the closet.
CHERYL
What, you're
afraid he's going
to steal your
jacket? JEFF
(laughs)
Or eat it. LARRY
What?! I'm cold!CHERYL rolls her eyes. She grabs a cocktail off a passing tray and goes off to mingle. SUSIE goes with her.
JEFF
I can't believe
we're missing
the draft for
this. LARRY
Where do you
know these
people from?A moment passes. Jeff scratches his right eyebrows, shuffles his feet.
JEFF
I think we just
know them through
you. LARRY
Is that really
enough to invite
you now? JEFF
Maybe they thought
there should be
some people at this
party that you knew. LARRY
Well they should've
asked us if we'd
like you along; not
just go ahead and
do it. I mean,
weren't you surprised
when you got invited? JEFF
Not really, I got
invited to one of
Howard Stern's
parties once. I went
and I -still- haven't
met him. LARRY
Howard Stern? Really? JEFF
Yeah. LARRY
Was it like his radio
show? Did he, like, sit
on a toilet during
the entire thing? JEFF
No, it was your usual
black-tie WASP affair.
All formal and
restrained. I had to
leave half-way through
it was so creepy.Something catches LARRY's eye.
LARRY
Hey look, over there.
It's the guy from the
Deli.It is. LARRY and JEFF make their way over to where CHRIS and his wife, JANICE, are standing.
CHRIS
Oh hey, nice to see
you guys again! I
didn't know Doug
had such cool friends. JEFF
We're the only ones.The joke falls flat. Even Larry feels the air sucked out of the room.
CHRIS
Honey, this is Larry
David and Jeff... I'm
afraid I didn't catch
your last name.JEFF is about to respond, but Janice cuts him off.
JANICE
I really loved Seinfeld.
It's an honor to meet
you. LARRY
Thanks. I... Wait a second,
are you Janice Cohen? JANICE
Cohen-Schroder now. Have
we met before? LARRY
I read about you in Time,
it had your picture and
everything. You were
up for the nobel prize
for...what, mega-twine
or something? JANICE
(smiles)
Super-string theory.
It's rather flattering
to be recognized in
public. LARRY
Yeah, Super-String.
That sounds like the
stuff that Clark Kent
uses to tie up his
old copies of the
Daily Planet.All four of them laugh.
JANICE
I thought Jerry was
the Superman guy. LARRY
Well we both are now.
We didn't sign a prenup
before we started work
on the show. So when I
left we split everything
down the middle. I got
half of his Superman
fixation, and he lost
half of his hair. JEFF
(to CHRIS)
So where do you know
the happy couple from? CHRIS
From school. I was in
the same program as
Carol.LARRY and JEFF both look down at CHRIS's enormous gut.
CHRIS
Oh hey Larry, the closet's
over ther if you want to
take your coat off.EXT. PARKING LOT -- NIGHT
CHERYL and LARRY get into their car.
CHERYL
Well that was a nice
party. LARRY
Really. I couldn't
believe we stayed the
whole time.LARRY turns the keys a few times, the car refuses to start up.
LARRY
What... Son of a bitch. CHERYL
Did you leave one of
the lights on? LARRY
Oh, oh shit. Look, I
left my cellphone
plugged into the
cigarette lighter.
I can't believe it
sucked the battery
dry. CHERYL
Maybe it was the heat. LARRY
It's fifty degrees out.CHERYL and LARRY get out of the car. LARRY pops the trunk. He looks inside, there's nothing in there.
LARRY
Oh that's right, I left
the portable jumper
plugged in. It'd lost
its charge... CHERYL
Where are the regular
jumper cables? LARRY
I left them in the
garage. CHERYL
What did you do that
for? LARRY
Because we had the
jumper!He cranes his neck out, headlights light up the pavement right in back of their car.
LARRY
Jeff, Jeff!Their car goes past JEFF is sitting in the passenger seat. He obviously sees LARRY, but Susie actually speeds up. LARRY is waving his hand up and down, but they don't stop.
CHERYL
What was that all
about? Why didn't
they stop? LARRY
I don't know. CHERYL
(something's up)
Larry? LARRY
Well it's just...
I might have
mentioned, in passing,
that the dress that
she was wearing looked
like the one that my
grandmother was buried
in.CHERYL gets the look of a long-suffering wife; she's gotten quite used to this sort of thing, and feels no need to make a scene.
CHERYL
And just why did you
do that? LARRY
I couldn't help it,
it just popped out. CHERYL
Does that sound like
the sort of thing
that you'd say at a
party? LARRY
It isn't like I just
met her. What does
the party have to
do with it?A Volkswagen (not a bug) stops short in front of them. The power window rolls down and CHRIS looks out from the driver seat.
CHRIS
Hey, you guys having
trouble?CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT -- NIGHT A little bit later. The hood of Larry's car is up. CHRIS has connected the leads from the portable jumper to the terminals of the battery. LARRY sits in the driver seat and starts up the car. He presses down on the accelerator several times, the engine revs. CHRIS disconnects the battery and slams the hood down. LARRY gets out and shakes his hand.
LARRY
Thank you so much. I
didn't know what I was
going to do. I don't
even have my triple-A
membership anymore. CHRIS
No problem. I'm always
looking out for the
little guy.LARRY takes out his business card and hands it to CHRIS.
LARRY
Why don't you call me
up sometime, we'll
have lunch. CHRIS
Thanks, Janice and I
would love to.CHRIS gets into his car and drives off. LARRY gets into his own and starts to back out.
LARRY
I wasn't sure about
him at first, but I
really like that
guy. I mean, he
hardly knew us, and
he stopped to help
us out. He couldn't
have seen who we
were from there,
but he still wanted
to help. CHERYL
I'm having lunch with
him and Carol on
Wednesday, do you
want to come along? LARRY
Sure. Damn, that's a
nice guy.CUT TO: EXT. CITY SIDEWALK -- MORNING JEFF and LARRY are walking to their lunch appointment. JEFF has a briefcase with him.
JEFF
Look, if we get this
deal set up, you'd
better be willing to
go to his office
this time. LARRY
We'll see.They pass a drugstore. Jeff stops and snaps his fingers.
JEFF
Hey we're running a
little early. I'll
just pop in here and
pick up Susie's
perscription. LARRY
Well, we're not an
hour early. That's
how long those
things usually take. JEFF
No, I just need to
pick it up. Just
take a second.JEFF walks into the drugstore. LARRY sighs and wanders around. There is a office building at the end of the block. Someone is standing on the front curb, wearing a huge sandwich board. On it is written: "BOYCOTT GenCom Wireless and Computers! They use your money to keep alive the SURPLUS POPULATION in AFRICA!". There is a crudely drawn picture of a pigmy below it. The man is wearing a white armband with the red-cross symbol of the Klan on it. LARRY shakes his head in sadness as he sees this. After a moment, the man turns around, and we see that it is CHRIS. LARRY's eyes bug out of his head.
CHRIS
Hey Larry! Nice to
see you. LARRY
Whadyamean "Hey Larry"?
(off sandwich board)
What the hell is this,
and this? (taps the
armband on his hand)
Is this some sort of
sick joke?! CHRIS
I'm just exercising
my freedom of speech
for the things that
I believe in. LARRY
You're a Klansman?! CHRIS
Have been since
college. It's a
wonderful organization,
Larry. They're really
no different than the
Knights of Columbus
or the 4-H club.
Don't let what the
press and churches
are saying about
it turn you off to
them. LARRY
The fact that I'm
Jewish is what "turns
me off" to them! CHRIS
(surprised)
You're Jewish? LARRY
Of course I'm Jewish!
Don't I look and
sound Jewish?! CHRIS
(truly confused)
Then why aren't you
wearing the hat and
the curls? LARRY
Well you're a Klansman,
and I don't seeing you
wearing a dirty t-shirt
or missing most of
your teeth. CHRIS
Yeah, I get your point.
Stereotypes can be
so misleading. LARRY
You're MARRIED to a Jew! CHRIS
No I'm not. Janice is
an atheist.LARRY just stares at him for a good ten seconds.
CHRIS
(Con't)
And for what it's worth,
I really don't have
anything against Jews.
I mean, white people
are white people,
right? LARRY
I can't talk to you
right now, I need
time to absorb this.LARRY walks away. CHRIS calls after him, LARRY doesn't turn around.
CHRIS
I'll see you tomorrow
at lunch, okay?LARRY doesn't say anything.
CUT TO: INT. JEFF's CAR, DRIVING -- EARLY AFTERNOON
LARRY is sitting in the passenger seat, just staring straight ahead. Still in shock from what he's learned.
JEFF
That went well,
don't you think? LARRY
Yeah. JEFF
He seemed glad to
be working with
you again. LARRY
Yeah, well, it's
like "Bob Patterson",
what they hell were
they thinking?CUT TO: INT. LARRY'S LIVING ROOM -- AFTERNOON
LARRY comes in the front door and walks through the living room towards the patio.
LARRY
Honey? Honey, are
you home?He gets to the patio, CHERYL and WANDA are sitting at a table under the umbrella, drinking iced teas. When LARRY sees WANDA he's a little taken aback--perhaps even a little bit guilty.
CHERYL
Hey honey, how
did it go? LARRY
Oh, the usual. The
waiter called him
George, and Jason
gave him a black
eye and knocked
out a couple of
his teeth. Guy's
in traction right
now. CHERYL
I was just telling
Wanda about the
Schroder's. They
seemed like such
nice people. WANDA
Yeah, I think I'd
really like to
meet them. LARRY
(distracted)
Yeah, is that
right... Say
Wanda, when you
were younger,
were you in the
4-H club? WANDA
No. Why? LARRY
Just wondering.CUT TO: INT. LARRY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT The same position we saw before, except now he's reading "D.W. Griffith: An American Life" and looking as uncomfortable as before. CHERYL comes over and crawls into bed.
CHERYL
Remember, we're
having lunch with
Carol, Chris and
Janice tomorrow. LARRY
Yeah, about that.
I think there's
something you
should know about
Chris.CUT TO: EXT. LARRY'S HOUSE -- NIGHT
CUT TO: INT. LARRY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT Some time has passed since we last saw them. Cheryl is in severe shock from what she just learned.
CHERYL
How could something
like this happen?
They seemed like
such nice people. LARRY
What kind of people
must Carol and Doug
be to have friends
like that? CHERYL
Maybe they don't
know. LARRY
It isn't like David
Duke Jr. there is
very secretive about
it.
(pause)
I guess we're not
going to lunch with
them then.CHERYL gets a look of steely resolve.
CHERYL
Oh, we're going. LARRY
What, are you going
to throw paint or
black people blood
on him or something? CHERYL
I'm going to confront
him. Maybe we can
save him. LARRY
Save him? Who is he,
Darth Vader?
You problem is that
you can't just let
him go without a
parting shot. CHERYL
He should know how
we feel about his
beliefs. LARRY
Why? He already
knows that most
reasonable people
hate him. It's
not going to be
news to him.CHERYL turns off her light, darkness.
LARRY
Look, do I have
to go? I mean
besides being a
genocidial bigot,
I kind of like
him, and don't
want to see what
you're going to
do to him.CHERYL doesn't say anything.
CUT TO: EXT. CITY SIDEWALK -- DAY
LARRY and CHERYL, dressed somewhat nicely, are walking to their lunch. There is a corner-bookstore in this shot. CHERYL stops.
CHERYL
Oh, this'll be
perfect. I'll get
him a Toni Morission
book and give it
to him as a gift.
That's the perfect
way to broach the
subject. LARRY
You missed your
calling, you
should've been an
interogattion officer
for the SS. CHERYL
You wanna come in
with me? LARRY
Nah, just get me
a Times.CHERYL walks into the bookstore. LARRY leans against the wall and takes a yo-yo out of his jacket pocket. He starts to play with it; he doesn't do any tricks, just sends it down and yanks it back. After a moment JASON ALEXANDER walks onto the scene. LARRY looks up.
LARRY JASON
Hey! Hi!They shake hands.
JASON
Fancy seeing you
here. I thought you
lived on the other
side of town. LARRY
I do, we're just
having dinner with
some people. JASON
Anyone I know? LARRY
I doubt it. Chris
and Janice Schroder.JASON's face darkens.
JASON
Chris Schroder? The
klansman? LARRY
Yeah, well... JASON
You're having lunch
with a Klansman? LARRY
How did you know
he was a Klansman? JASON
When we were working
on Bob Patterson,
he kept sending us
this vaguely threating
mail because we had
a black regular. We
decided to put her
in a wheelchair to
piss him off even
more. LARRY
Well he's not really
that bad a guy. JASON
Does he know you're
Jewish? LARRY
Yeah, it doesn't
seem to bother him.
You see we're going
to lunch with him
because--CHERYL comes out of the bookstore. She has a bag in one hand, we see the LA Times sticking out of the top.
CHERYL
Oh, hi Jason. JASON
(trying a little too hard)
Cheryl! Nice to
see you, how've
you been? CHERYL
Fine. I heard that
you and Larry are
going to be working
together again. JASON
Oh yeah, well...
(looks at watch)
I'm sorry, I'm late
for an appointment.
It was nice catching
up with you.JASON walks, almost runs, off.
CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT -- DAY CAROL is sitting at the table. LARRY and CHERYL are seated by the maitre'd. They ad-lib hellos.
LARRY
I see the happy
couple isn't here
yet.CAROL turns to look towards the reception area.
CAROL
I know, it's
surprising. Chris
is always studious;
he's never late.LARRY mimes a Nazi trooper marching (or as best as can be done sitting down) to CHERYL. As soon as CAROL turns back towards them he stops. LARRY's cell-phone rings.
LARRY
(into phone)
Hello?
(pause)
What? That can't
be right, I just
saw him... He
said WHAT?
(pause)
No, that was just
a misunderstanding.
I just... Yeah,
I see, but I just
need to explain
to him... Oh,
that's nice. That's
real nice. Yeah,
thanks for telling
me.LARRY switches off his cellphone.
CHERYL
What's wrong? LARRY
Jason Alexander just
pulled out of the
project. He says
he doesn't want to
work with a "Vichi
collaborator". Jeff
says his secretary
won't even put him
on the phone when
he calls now! CHERYL
Well maybe you can
pitch the project
with someone else. LARRY
He's not going for
it, he's pitching
in with Seinfeld!LARRY starts to dial.
LARRY
(con't)
I better get my
lawyer on the
phone.At that moment, CAROL's cellphone goes off.
CAROL
Hello? What? What?!
Are you serious?
What did he do?
(pause)
Well yeah I can see
how it's none of my
business, but...
All right, an hour
should be OK.LARRY sighs and turns his cell-phone off. Maybe we can even hear the busy signal on the other end. CAROL turns her cell-phone off as well.
CAROL
Janice is going to
be an hour late. CHERYL
Is something wrong?LARRY, not really caring about the conversation, takes the Times out of the bag and opens it.
CAROL
(disbeliving)
Chris is in prison
for something, she
needs to get bail. CHERYL
In prison? What did
he do? CAROL
She wouldn't tell
me.LARRY lays the paper out on the paper and points to something on the third page.
LARRY
I think this explains
it.CLOSE ON a black&white picture in the paper. Headline reads "Klansman Burns Cross In Griffith Park". The picture if of Chris, is Klan robes, his hood up, screaming into the camera. The look on his face is almost feral. On their reactions, the music comes up and we
FADE OUT END OF SHOW