They were great. Half a hundred years from now Mr. Seinfeld may go down in the company of Moliere, Shakespeare, and George Bernard Shaw's high comedy.
And maybe not. But I doubt it.
The form has become so colaborative at this date, it's a challenge to decide where to assign definitive responsibility for the driving genius. The show had many lives.
Probably it was due to a high performance, air cooled. Perhaps luck reigned.
Certainly we can say, it made us laugh. And that was good enough.
SEINFELD
"The Year of Rebuilding"
written by
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(A one-hour episode in three acts)
ACT ONE
SCENE A
INT. JERRY'S PRISON CELL - DAY
"GIMME SHELTER" BY THE ROLLING STONES BLASTS THROUGH THE PRISON.
GEORGE
These New York prisoners. Rock
and roll, all day long, every day.
JERRY
Incarcerationists, not "prisoners".
GEORGE SMIRKS AT JERRY.
GEORGE
Why did they have to move us
down here from Massachusetts?
Up there it was nice and quiet.
It was great.
JERRY
Yes. But we're native here.
Where's your state spirit?
GEORGE GLARES AT A JERRY AS THE MUSIC GETS LOUDER.
GEORGE
It's unbearable. And why only bands
that heydayed in the 60�s and �70s? JERRY
Yeah... Remember the �Farewell Tours�?
That was a sad joke...
GEORGE
Shameless.
JERRY
�Oh, no really! This is the last
one we�re gonna do.� Then bam...
what do you know- they would be
back again. Pathetic.
GEORGE
Shameful.
JERRY
Totally inconsistent.
EACH MAN GOES OFF INTO HIS OWN THOUGHTS.
GEORGE
You know Thoreau once said
"damn consistency".
JERRY
Thoreau?
GEORGE
I think. That's what I recall from...
Walton's Lake? No, Waldorf? Walmark?
JERRY
Prison starting to make you a little
pretentious? You're not gonna become
a quote guy now are ya? One of those
self-educated, convict-scholar types?
"George on Ice?"
GEORGE
"With Waldorfman's Lake"? Something
smaller than a lake... Not a fountain.
It was some small natural enclosure
for water... What was that book?
You know! The one they tried to cram
down our throats in eighth grade.
JERRY
It was a pond and its name was Walden.
GEORGE
Pond! What is wrong with me?
Trying too hard again. Going too
deep into the language.
JERRY
Yes.
GEORGE
You know that Mrs. Marin in American
Lit never had a clue I coasted with
solid Cs on all my book reports with
nary more than a glance at the back
covers of the assigned books.
JERRY
Nary?
GEORGE
I don't know. When I talk literary
those back covers come rushing
back in a flood. It's involuntary.
JERRY
Nary. (SMILES) Is that what you were
doing yesterday... Rereading the back
covers of the classics of American
literature? I thought you were
sorting books for the prison
librarian.
GEORGE
You can expect something like a
nary to infiltrate. Don't broach
the subject if you're just gonna
turn around and make mock of me.
JERRY
"Make mock"? Now that one has
gotta be all your own. That ain't
on the back of any book anywhere
no matter how old or distinguished.
That's fake antique English.
GEORGE
Fine.
JERRY
(MUSING, EYES GOING DISTANT)
Damn consistency huh?
GEORGE
Damn it! Nothing you have ever
said or done matters!
JERRY
I like it!
GEORGE
You'll be in fine company Jerry.
Thoreau. (SUDDENLY MEEK) He
lived deliberately.
JERRY GRINS WILDLY.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE B
INT. JERRY�S PRISON CELL - DAY
JERRY RISES FROM SLEEP, REACHING FOR HIS ORANGE PRISONER�S JUMP SUIT AND PUTTING IT ON. KRAMER COMES STRIDING UP TO JERRY�S CELL.
JERRY
Just think, if these were only
olive green we�d look like fighter
pilots. That would be cool.
KRAMER STARTS TO PULL OPEN JERRY'S CELL DOOR TO ENTER, WHICH IS UNLOCKED AND SLIGHTLY AJAR. JERRY CATCHES THE DOOR AND STOPS HIM.
JERRY
Let's not start that here. You
could really do some damage to
yourself with a heavy steel bar
door like this. I can hear you
fine from there.
KRAMER GRINS AND LEANS ON THE BARS, STAYING OUTSIDE THE CELL.
KRAMER
Jerry, why don�t you come with?
JERRY
Thanks Kramer, but as enchanting
as it is to picture myself parading
around in public in prisoner orange...
And at the same time getting to do
meaningless manual labor, I�ll
have to decline I�m afraid.
GEORGE COMES WALKING UP BEHIND KRAMER.
KRAMER
Hey there he is... How �bout you
George? Volunteer with me for
a little supervised-work-release
-style action down in the city?
GEORGE
I just got my hands on the menu for
the rest of the month.
KRAMER
So?
GEORGE
So I want to stay in and see what's
coming up from a food standpoint for
the next few weeks. Besides what is
that whole thing, a chain gang or
something?
KRAMER
No, no, very civilized. We work
by day among the fair citizens of
the city and then return to rest
blissfully at night under a
protective veil of high security
even a head of state would envy.
Help your time go faster.
GEORGE
That�s the last thing I want. I
want this year to feel like five.
Jerry do you realize that we are now
down to a matter of decades?
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I mean our life spans. It's getting
down to where we can count the
days.
JERRY
It's always been down to where we
"can count the days", since the minute
of birth, or conception for that
matter. The human life span at it's
most optimistic has long been more
or less a known quantity George.
GEORGE
Well why couldn't they just have
forgotten to tell me. The life
span is the one piece of common
knowledge I wish they had somehow
failed to transmit to me.
JERRY
I see.
GEORGE
I mean that�s conceivable. Everyone
is absent from school at least one
day. And you can have only so
many conversations and watch so
many educational/news TV programs.
Plus at a certain point in any circle
of persons, most basic facts get to
that point of being taken so firmly
for granted that no one mentions
them anymore.
JERRY
How do you come up with this kind
of clear-sighted analysis?
GEORGE
I'm serious. If I had one wish,
it would be that no one ever told
me how long I could expect it all
to last.
JERRY
That the subject just never occurred
to you, and if you did hear anything
remotely related to it, it just didn't
register.
GEORGE
Yes! Like I wasn't born with the part
of my brain where that has to register!
Yes, that's better! That's it! That
physiologically I was incapable of
comprehending the life span concept.
What a blessing that kind of mental
handicap would be!
JERRY
Are you done now?
GEORGE
Danger, that's what I should have
taken on. I should have been,
something dangerous and in danger.
JERRY TUGS AT HIS JUMP SUIT.
JERRY
Hey look! Color it olive green
and we look like fighter pilots.
GEORGE
That's what I should have done.
JERRY
They're probably second only to
Superman himself ya know.
GEORGE
Then I would have had it set up
so I had to deal with so much danger
on a daily basis that I never would
have expected to have a full life span.
The promise of a full life span would
never have occurred to me. Those guys
have it made... Every day is a gift,
every hour, every minute. But it's too
late now. The clock is ticking down.
JERRY
Boy I never thought we�d see the
day you�d become a clock watcher.
Totally careless with time all your
life... Now you�re gonna waste the
rest of what you�ve got peering
intently at each minute as it goes
by until you get to the last one.
KRAMER
Well gentlemen, I must be going.
I�ll be upon the town for the day.
KRAMER EXITS.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE C
INT. RETIREMENT HOME LOBBY - DAY
ELAINE HAS JUST ARRIVED WITH A GROUP OF FEMALE PRISONERS, ALL IN PRISON UNIFORM. A FEMALE GUARD ADDRESSES THEM.
GUARD
Listen up! While here at the
Home for Retired Female Former
Model Prisoners, you will follow
all guidelines, rules, regulations,
and stipulations. You are here
to learn and gain direction in
your rehabilitation.
ELAINE AND THE OTHERS GAZE AT A GROUP OF SWEET OLD LADIES WHO STAND ACROSS THE ROOM WITH COOKIES AND LEMONADE.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE D
EXT. THE NEW YORK STREET - DAY
KRAMER AND A GROUP OF PRISONERS PICK UP TRASH UP OFF OF THE NEW YORK STREET. SUPERVISING GUARDS ARE NEAR, BUT THE MEN MOVE FREELY ABOUT THEIR TASK. KRAMER SMILES AT A FELLOW CONVICT WHILE TUGGING AT HIS ORANGE SUIT.
KRAMER
You know I wondered why they
dressed us up in bright orange.
Now I see they want to keep us
safe during any roadside work
we might volunteer for. It's a
humanitarian measure. I bet you
can see this kind of orange from
outer space or... The Great Wall
of China.
CONVICT
It's so they can put a bullet in ya
easy if ya make a break for it Sunshine.
KRAMER JOLTS AND THEN TURNS BACK TO HIS WORK.
KRAMER STRAYS AROUND A CORNER INTO AN ALLEY IN PURSUIT OF A PIECE OF GARBAGE RUNNING AWAY WITH THE WIND. AFTER A SMALL CHASE, HE FINALLY GETS IT INTO HIS PLASTIC TRASH BAG.
KRAMER PULLS OUT A WATER BOTTLE WHICH IS STENCILED WITH THE WORDS "COMPLIMENTS OF AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL".
KRAMER LEANS HIS HEAD BACK TO FINISH OFF HIS WATER JUST IN TIME TO SEE AN UNOCCUPIED WINDOW WASHER'S SCAFFOLDING ABOVE START TO COME LOOSE FROM ITS CABLES.
ALARMED HE LOOKS BACK OUT TO THE STREET, TO WHERE TWO GUARDS STAND DIRECTLY BENEATH THE SCAFFOLD, TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO THE DANGER.
KRAMER SPRINTS, COVERING GROUND LIKE A SUPER HERO. HE HITS THE TWO GUARDS IN A FLYING TACKLE, TAKING THEM WITH HIM INTO THE STREET.
IMMEDIATELY THE GUARD'S TRAINING TAKES OVER. WHILE THE THREE STILL TUMBLE TOGETHER, KRAMER GETS BLINDED WITH PEPPER SPRAY AND HANDCUFFED BEFORE HE EVEN STOPS ROLLING.
A SPLIT SECOND TICKS OFF AND THE SCAFFOLD LANDS IN THE STREET WITH A SPECTACULAR SMASH RIGHT ONTO THE SPOT IN WHICH THE GUARDS WERE JUST STANDING.
INSTINCTIVELY THE KEYED UP GUARDS DRAW THEIR PISTOLS AND WHIRL IN THE DIRECTION OF THE SCAFFOLD, EMPTYING THEIR GUNS INTO IT.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE E
INT. RETIREMENT HOME - DAY
ELAINE IS IN CONVERSATION WITH ONE OF THE RETIRED MODEL PRISONERS- A SWEET, GRANDMOTHERLY OLD WOMAN.
OLD WOMAN
... So they finally went back and
reopened the case and exonerated me
completely.
ELAINE
My God! You were falsely accused
and convicted?!
OLD WOMAN
Yes. Well, it was an accident.
ELAINE
An accident! An accident that they
locked you up for half a lifetime?!
You were innocent!
OLD WOMAN
No, no dear. It was an accident that
they found out I was innocent after
they locked me up. It was very
embarrassing for me. I successfully
maintained that I was guilty for a
year after they found the evidence I
didn't do it. But they finally made
me admit innocence and sent me home.
It made them look just terrible.
ELAINE
What are you talking about!
OLD WOMAN
Well young lady, in my day we didn't
think of ourselves first. We thought
of others. Once they found me
guilty, I thought it best that I
should accept the mistake rather than
fight it and possibly do damage to
the credibility of our criminal
justice system and our wonderful
policemen and district attorneys.
Oh, and our handsome governor... I
felt so badly.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE G
EXT. PRISON BASEBALL FIELD - DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE SWING BATS, WARMING UP. THE PRISON'S TWO BASEBALL TEAMS ARE IN THE MIDST OF BATTING PRACTICE.
GEORGE
At least down here in minimum
security we get baseball.
JERRY
You know the last few days things
have seemed like maybe even a
little less than minimum. It's nice.
GEORGE
Things didn't turn out so bad.
JERRY
Not too bad.
GEORGE
As free men we had no full baseball.
A little spectating, that was it.
JERRY
We had simple spectating.
GEORGE
Now as men who have been forced from
any, much less full participation
in society, we can participate in
baseball with fullness. There is a
great lesson therein.
JERRY
Quick- name U.S. president in office
when Abner Doubleday invented baseball!
GEORGE
Van Buren.
JERRY
(CHUCKLES) And they said you weren't
one of the boys...
SUDDENLY JERRY AND GEORGE ARE SURPRISED BY THE APPEARANCE OF A STRIKING BLONDE WOMAN WITH A CAMERA CREW, ESCORTED BY A PRISON GUARD. THE WOMAN HOLDS A MICROPHONE AND IS OBVIOUSLY A NEWS REPORTER.
BLONDE
Hello.
JERRY
Hi, hello.
BLONDE
We are with Scandinavian television
and are doing a story on American
baseball.
BLONDE
Since it is out of season right now,
yours� is the only organized game we
could track down in New York. Could
you help us with some details as we
observe? Our deadline is near.
JERRY
Absolutely.
GEORGE
Glad to. We're taking batting
practice right now. Once the game
starts here in a little bit we'll
be able to really give you a taste
of our national pastime!
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE H
EXT. AN UPSTATE NEW YORK CONVENIENCE STORE - EVENING
ELAINE AND HER FELLOW PRISONERS ARE RIDING IN A WHITE VAN DRIVEN BY TWO GUARDS. THEY PULL UP TO THE STORE.
THE SIGN ON THE STORE READS "X-TREME CONVENIENCE".
A GUARD HOPS OUT OF THE VAN AND SLIDES THE SIDE DOOR OPEN TO ADDRESS THE PRISONERS.
GUARD ONE
Okay, as a special feature of the
new Model Prisoner Rehabilitation
Enhancement Program, a convenience
store stop is stipulated by the
regulationary guidelines governing
said program. It is explicitly so
stated.
THE PRISONERS CHEER LIKE SCHOOLGIRLS. ELAINE LOOKS IRRITATED.
GUARD ONE
(TO GUARD TWO) Take the little
timid one. She presents the minimal
potential security risk parameter
profile.
GUARD TWO
You! Number 5558383. You gotta
come along... come in and help.
ELAINE LOOKS DOWN AT THE NUMBER ON THE FRONT OF HER UNIFORM AND SEES IT IS HER NUMBER THAT HAS BEEN CALLED.
ELAINE
I'm not timid. Maybe mild mannered
and petite, but not little or timid.
GUARD ONE
Can it convict.
ELAINE SIGHS DEEPLY AS SHE IS LET OUT OF THE VAN TO GO INTO THE STORE WITH THE GUARD.
ELAINE
Besides you said we're "models"
anyway. What are ya worried about?
Like a big, aggressive girl is gonna
run away better? Haven't you ever
watched the Olympics? The girl
runners are light on their feet...
Sleek and aerodynamic. Svelte.
What you more need to watch for
is low to the ground and speedy.
GUARD TWO
That's enough. We don't appreciate
attempted escape humor 8383555.
ELAINE SMIRKS AT THE GUARD AND LOOKS DOWN AT THE NUMBER ON THE FRONT OF HER UNIFORM. SHE GRABS THE FRONT OF HER UNIFORM TO TWIST THE NUMBER SO SHE CAN SEE IT. THE GUARD HAS SAID HER NUMBER BACKWARDS.
GUARD
Okay so I'm dyslexic. I have your
face and silhouette cold memorized,
so don't think I'll in any way lose
track of you. I don't need to know
your number, I've got your number.
ELAINE
Just walk screw.
CUT TO:
CONTINUOUS: INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - SECONDS LATER
A ROLLING STONES SONG BLASTS AT DEAFENING LEVEL AS ELAINE AND THE GUARD ENTER. THE YOUNG CLERK BEHIND THE COUNTER SEES ELAINE'S PRISON UNIFORM. HE TURNS OFF THE MUSIC. FEAR AND UNCERTAINTY FILL HIS FACE.
ELAINE
(TO CLERK) Relax. We're just
shootin' a movie nearby pal.
HER GUARD IGNORES ELAINE'S COMMENT, SMILING AT THE CLERK AS IF THEY'RE LIFE LONG FRIENDS.
GUARD TWO
Howdy Charlie!
CLERK
Do I know you officer?
GUARD TWO
No, but a new program just started...
We're gonna be stoppin' here
regular, so ya will.
CLERK
(POINTING TO HIS NAME TAG)
My name's Marley... What do you
mean a new program, I thought she
just said movie...
THE GUARD LEANS IN TOWARD THE CLERK. HIS MANNER IS MILDLY MENACING.
GUARD TWO
Listen, lets just stick with
"Charlie" to keep it consistent.
THE GUARD MOVES DEEPER INTO THE STORE.
CLERK
(SOTTO TO ELAINE) Oh, that's very
convincing... the tough guard thing...
very convincing. I guess you actor
people stay in character all the time
when you're making a movie to be more
convincing. Oh that's good. I read
about that. More and more in the
films lately it's been very convincing
what you actors have been doing as far
as getting us, the watchers, fully
convinced. Your movie is gonna be
way real-life consistent when it comes
out, I can see... What's the name of
your movie?
THE GUARD LOOKS AROUND THE STORE, EYES LIGHTING UP AND PICKING UP SEVERAL ITEMS.
GUARD TWO
Wow, you guys are really stocked.
This is outstanding!
CLERK
Well, I'm independent. You can't
go with a big corporate chain
convenience store franchise if
you want to truly serve your
customers. All homogenized
and dehumanized... No heart or
soul. Did ya notice when ya came
in? That was no elevator music.
ELAINE
You know that did sound good. I
guess its been so many months since
I heard music that just about anything
would sound really striking...
Stones!
GUARD TWO
Let me tell you as a former cop
for six months, this is the most
beautiful selection I've ever seen!
CLERK
Yeah, well it isn't a mom and pop
revival movement I'm goin' for now.
This is the next level in convenience
store concepts. The next wave.
GUARD TWO
Is that right.
CLERK
Like micro brew and them coffee shops
with superior available flavors
poppin' up all over. Convenience
stores with a Generation X -X -Xtra
Xtreme slam of human type soul and
Xtra care in product providalment.
ELAINE
"Providalment"? Who do you think
you are, Winston Churchill? You're
a kid. You can't just make up words.
GUARD TWO HOLDS UP TWO HANDFULS OF ITEMS WAVING THEM AT GUARD ONE OUTSIDE THROUGH THE STORE WINDOW.
GUARD ONE COMES OUT OF THE VAN AND INTO THE STORE.
GUARD ONE
I haven't seen those since I
was a kid!
GUARD TWO
Oh we gotta stretch regulations
a little bit and bring back
a good supply here. We won't
be back up this way until next
week.
THE TWO GUARDS GO INTO A FRENZY OF GATHERING. THEY GLEEFULLY GRAB AND START FILLING HANDMADE PAPER GROCERY BAGS AS THE CLERK PRODUCES THEM AS FAST AS HE CAN.
CAUGHT UP IN THE GUARDS' ENTHUSIASM, THE CLERK CRANKS THE ROLLING STONES BACK UP TO MAX LEVEL.
ELAINE STARTS TO GET INTO IT TOO, GOING INTO A LITTLE OF HER PATENTED DANCING AS SHE HELPS LOAD UP THE GROCERY BAGS.
ONE GUARD HAULS AN 80 PACK OF TWINKIES TO THE COUNTER.
ELAINE TWISTS TO GET OUT OF THE WAY. AS SHE DANCES AND BACK PEDALS, SHE TRIPS AND FALLS INTO THE OPEN DOOR OF A BROOM CLOSET.
CUT TO:
CONTINUOUS: INT. BROOM CLOSET
THE BACK OF ELAINE'S JUMP SUIT CATCHES ON AN OLD SINK IN THE CLOSET AND SHE STRUGGLES TO TURN AND FREE HERSELF BUT CAN'T GET HER HANDS BACK BEHIND HER FAR ENOUGH.
SHE HOLLERS TO CALL THE GUARDS BUT SHE HAS NO CHANCE AGAINST THE BLARING ROCK MUSIC THE CLERK HAS GOING FULL BLAST. SHE DESPERATELY SCREAMS AND SHOUTS IN VAIN.
CUT TO:
CONTINUOUS: INT. CONVENIENCE STORE
THE ROLLING STONES CONTINUE TO BLAST. THE TWO GUARDS PAY THE CLERK AND GIVE HIM HIGH FIVES. THEN THE GUARDS EXIT.
THE STORE CLERK VAULTS HIS COUNTER TO FOLLOW THEM OUT. HE CARRIES TWO REMOTE CONTROLS IN HIS HANDS. FLIPPING THE "CLOSED" SIGN, HE STEPS TO LEAVE FOR THE DAY.
THE CLERK STARTS TO GO OUT THE FRONT DOOR. IN ONE SMOOTH UNBROKEN MOTION HE SWITCHES OFF THE STORE STEREO SYSTEM WITH ONE REMOTE CONTROL, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY HITTING THE OTHER REMOTE CONTROL WHICH HE AIMS AT HIS BATTERED '60'S CONVERTIBLE MUSTANG, PARKED RIGHT OUT FRONT, TOP DOWN.
THE CAR'S STEREO BLARES TO LIFE WITH EVEN LOUDER MUSIC.
THE UNINTERRUPTED ROAR OF ROCK AND ROLL INSURES ELAINE'S SHOUTS ARE NEVER HEARD.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE M
EXT. PRISON BASEBALL FIELD - EVENING
BATTING PRACTICE IS STILL GOING ON. THE SCANDINAVIAN CREW IS SHOOTING VIDEO FOOTAGE.
GEORGE AND JERRY ARE SWITCHING OFF AT CENTER FIELD AFTER EVERY COUPLE OF PITCHES, HOPPING BACK AND FORTH OVER THE SHORT CHAIN LINK OUTFIELD FENCE. THE FIELD LIGHTS ARE ON.
GEORGE
Who would have thought? Night
games in prison. This nation is
full of hidden miracles. Has
there ever been a civilization so
advanced and enlightened. So
humane?
JERRY
And we thought we'd be in danger.
Or in discomfort. We predicted
hardship.
GEORGE
(CHOKING WITH EMOTION) This nation
is swelling with humanitarians. I
mean for Steinbrenner to donate a
battery of brand new pitching machines
to the prison baseball program,
after he found out they moved
us down here. Well...it's just
humanitarianesque.
CUT TO:
CONTINUOUS: EXT. PRISON BASEBALL FIELD
PITCHING MACHINE MONTAGE BEGINS:
ANGLE ON: THE PITCHER ON THE MOUND USING A PITCHING MACHINE.
ANGLE ON: TWO INMATES PLAY CATCH, EACH USING HIS OWN MACHINE TO THROW TO THE OTHER.
ANGLE ON: TWO INMATES AIMLESSLY LAUNCH BASEBALL'S AT A BRICK WALL WITH THREE MACHINES EACH. THE NEXT BEAT, ONE OF THEM GOES AFTER A FLOCK OF BIRDS WITH ONE OF HIS MACHINES.
END OF MONTAGE
CUT TO:
CONTINUOUS: EXT. CENTER FIELD - EVENING
JERRY
Hey! Better pay attention George...
Here comes one...
GEORGE DEFTLY CATCHES A ROUTINE FLY BALL.
NEAR GEORGE IS A PITCHING MACHINE, LEANING BACK AGAINST THE CENTER FIELD FENCE. THE PITCHING MACHINE IS PROPPED UP AGAINST THE FENCE SO THAT IT IS AIMED SKYWARD AND TOWARD THE INFIELD.
GEORGE TAKES THE BALL HE HAS JUST CAUGHT AND POPS IT INTO THE MACHINE AND ACTIVATES IT SO THAT THE BALL IS THROWN BACK IN TOWARD THE PITCHER.
GEORGE
Right in his glove! Did ya see
that?! Perfect! Surgical!
JERRY
Wow!
GEORGE STEPS OVER AND PROUDLY PATS THE MACHINE.
GEORGE
I got this baby positioned
perfectly. Precision tilt.
(SUDDENLY SAD) I should have
gone into the dangerous profession
of arms after all. I would have
been an artillery genius!
JERRY GLANCES AT THE REPORTER TUGGING HIS ORANGE JUMP SUIT.
JERRY
Color it olive green and we
look like fighter pilots...
SUDDENLY A FLIGHT OF MILITARY JETS SHOOTS OVERHEAD, AT A FAIRLY LOW ALTITUDE- PROBABLY LOWER THAN THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE. THE ROAR IS DEAFENING, THE PAINT SCHEME UNMISTAKABLE: IT'S THE U.S. NAVY DEMONSTRATION TEAM, THE BLUE ANGELS.
GEORGE
Now that, can't be for us!
JERRY
Na, the Giants are on Monday Night
Football tonight, they must be
headed down there to do a fly over.
JERRY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS JUMP SUIT.
JERRY
They look a little olive green
under these lights.
JERRY SWITCHES AT CENTER FIELD WITH GEORGE.
BLONDE
Okay, you were explaining why
only one player gets a stick.
GEORGE
No, no, no. Not a "stick". It's
called a bat.
BLONDE
Yes, and what about the puck again?
Everyone is allowed to pick it up
and throw it at any time if they
wish?
GEORGE
"Ball" not "puck".
REPORTER
Ah yes. When I think "ball", I
think a big round one filled with
air for kicking, not the little
tiny little puck-like balls such
as yours.
GEORGE
Why don't we get off the specifics
for awhile.
GEORGE TAKES HER NOTE PAD AND PEN.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Let me diagram a notional first
inning for you, to convey the
general flow.
GEORGE STARTS T0 DRAW FOR THE REPORTER.
JERRY HOPS BACK OVER THE FENCE. GEORGE HANDS THE PEN AND PAD BACK TO HER AND CLIMBS OVER TO TAKE THE FIELD.
BLONDE
I don't really understand the stick
thing at all. Why does only the
goalie get a stick in your game?
JERRY
The man at the plate is not a goalie.
He's the hitter- the batter.
Remember?
REPORTER
And the goal scoring? If the goalie
misses (CORRECTING SELF) ... I mean if
the "batter" misses, this does not
score a goal?
JERRY
No. Look, the pitcher... the guy
doing most of the ball throwing?
He's not trying to score a goal...
Well he is in a way, but not
as much as the stick man is. The
stick... The batter man, is more
the one trying to score the goal...
For the most part essentially.
BLONDE
The man with the ball throws it so
the stick man can hit it and score.
So the "pitcher" and "batter" are
partners.
JERRY
No, no. The pitcher does throw it
so he can hit it. But at the very
same time he throws it so that he
can't hit it.
GEORGE SHOUTS FROM CENTER FIELD.
GEORGE
Right! He throws him the ball
to give him a chance to score with
it. But he'd really rather not have
him be successful at that chance if
he can stop him from having it.
JERRY
He wants the ball to get past him
ideally. But not if it's not in
just the right certain way. Then
it's not what he wants.
GEORGE JOGS BACK TO THE FENCE.
GEORGE
And don't forget, once he hits,
it's only the very start of a
score, not a complete one yet.
That comes later if some other
things come through... base-wise.
THE DISASTER OF AN EXPLANATION CONTINUES.
BLONDE
So both try to score?
JERRY
No. But I can see your angle...
Yeah, I guess you could look at
it as a scoring attempt by the
of the puck thrower, from a
certain perspective.
REPORTER
Yes?
JERRY
Sure! The catcher is wearing
the goal on his hand. Sure. And
the puck thrower is trying to slip
it in there...right past the stick
man, and just right.
GEORGE AND JERRY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND WE CAN SEE THEY KNOW THEY HAVE DONE A POOR JOB OF EXPLAINING THE GAME.
BUT THE REPORTER IS WRITING FURIOUSLY, AND WITH CONFIDENCE, APPARENTLY BELIEVING SHE GETS IT.
REPORTER
Well thank you, I have what I
need.
GEORGE LOOKS ALARMED. THE CREW STARTS TO PACK UP.
CAMERAMAN
We got it in the can.
GEORGE
No, no. You need to stay for
the game to see. You can't go now...
GEORGE GRABS THE REPORTER'S SLEEVE AS SHE TURNS TO GO.
REPORTER
(ALARMED) Guard!
A HULKING PRISON GUARD CHARGES TOWARD GEORGE.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE R
INT. JERRY'S PRISON CELL - DAY
WE SEE GEORGE IN A "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS" LEATHER MASK.
HE WHIPS IT OFF.
GEORGE
Huh? Leather shop... You've got
to get down there Jerry. Great
facility. (HOLDS UP MASK) Hannibal
Lecter... Guards thought it was
hilarious... You know, since we're
minimum security guys.
IT IS EVIDENT THAT GEORGE HAS BEEN TRYING TO CHEER JERRY UP.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Look. It's impossible to teach
a foreign person baseball in one
hour. It's too intricate. That's
what we learned. And that's fine.
JERRY
Perhaps.
GEORGE
Prison is supposed to be a learning
experience partly. We're gonna
find this experience full of many
new lessons. That's just one.
JERRY
I guess. But I feel like we let
her go away with a pretty damn
twisted take on the game George.
GEORGE
And so what are our obligations
here? We're not Scandinavians.
JERRY
No, I know.
GEORGE
Plus why would anyone over there care
in the slightest about the precise
details of a game they'll never
play?
JERRY WARMS TO THIS AND JOINS IN.
JERRY
Television could tell you and me
almost anything about Norwegian
sleigh racing and we wouldn't know
the difference- even if we were
momentarily interested.
GEORGE
Who says just because a bunch of
foreigners show up and start asking
questions we have a duty to spill
our guts and start giving out
our sports secrets?! Those reindeer
herders got what they deserved!
JERRY
And even if we did get the details
of sleigh racing wrong, and it
ever came up...
GEORGE
Which it wouldn't...
JERRY
Exactly. And even if it did in
some insane set of circumstances,
I'm sure the Norwegians who knew
the right rules to sleigh racing...
And heard us talk about the wrong
ones, would essentially take the
stance that "Hell, well, we know
you're not Norwegian so we can
understand some confusion about
the rules on your part... "We're
impressed enough with the fact you're
aware we race sleighs," is what
they'd say.
GEORGE
Yes.
JERRY
Right.
GEORGE
See!
JERRY
Plus we saved them from the Nazis!
DISSOLVE TO: