I think Tony, the obsessed mechanic, was one of the best one-shot
characters ever. He's Hall of Fame material, right up there with Lt.
Bookman and the Soup Nazi.
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You can't forget the old man in The Old Man. Jerry visited
him out of charity. "Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got
a boyfriend. Are you going to kill me? Why? I'm an old man
for crying out loud! You're going to kill an old man, you
coward?" "Says she doesn't speak English. My ass she
doesn't speak english. Plays that freaking voodoo music.
Tries to hypnotise me. Thinks she's going to turn me into
a zombie and rob me blind." Jerry is about to leave and the
old man asks if Jerry can do him a favor. Jerry looks hopeful
to be able to do something for the old man and then he says:
Would you mind changing my diaper? Ah hah!
I love those scenes too. I think that was the greatest written (long) exchannge in all of the episodes. WILL THIS DO? ================ Originally posted by: Andy MacAskill)
The A+ episode known as "The Library" included three scenes total with our favorite "library investigator" played to perfection by Philip Baker Hall. The marvelous material was written by Larry Charles; episode directed by Joshua White. ================================================ The first scene, in Jerry's apartment, begins with Jerry opening the door for the curmudgeonly "Lieutenant Bookman":
Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
You got any coffee?
Coffee?
Yeah. Coffee.
No, I don't drink coffee.
Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
No, I don't have--
You don't have any instant coffee?
Well, I don't normally--
Who doesn't have instant coffee?
I don't.
You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.
Really? I'll have to remember that.
You took this book out in 1971.
Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.
Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
I try.
You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
No, I don't.
I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
Certainly not.
Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!
The second "Bookman scene" includes Kramer and his "spinster" gal Marion the Librarian. The two, walking hand in hand in the library after hours, think they're alone:
KRAMER: You know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed.
MARIAN: Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo: Hello!
KRAMER: Hello!
MARIAN: Hello!
KRAMER: Hello!
MARIAN: Hello!
BOOKMAN (emerging): Hello!
MARIAN (turning, surprised): Mr. Bookman.
BOOKMAN: I remember when the librarian was a much older woman: Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have a private life. While you're thinking about that, think about this: The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final warning. Got that, kewpie-doll?
And herewith the third and final "Bookman scene," just with Jerry again, who, back in the library now, writes out a check for the never-returned TROPIC OF CANCER and hands it to Bookman:
Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.
Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?
What is your problem?
What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle.
JERRY (after Bookman exits): That is one tough monkey!