what they've been up to

SEINFELD

"The Year of Rebuilding"

or

					"Our Four Favorite
					 Convicts and How They Flew"

written by

ACT ONE

SCENE A

INT. JERRY'S PRISON CELL - DAY

"GIMME SHELTER" BY THE ROLLING STONES BLASTS THROUGH THE PRISON.

GEORGE

These New York prisoners. Rock

and roll, all day long, every day.

JERRY

Incarcerationists, not "prisoners".

GEORGE SMIRKS AT JERRY.

GEORGE

Why did they have to move us

down here from Massachusetts?

Up there it was nice and quiet.

JERRY

Yes. But we're native here.

Where's your state spirit?

GEORGE GLARES AT A JERRY AS THE MUSIC GETS LOUDER.

GEORGE

It's unbearable. And why only bands

that heydayed in the 60�s and �70s?

JERRY

Yeah... Remember the �Farewell Tours�?

That was a sad joke...

GEORGE

Shameless.

JERRY

�Oh, no really! This is the last

one we�re gonna do.� Then bam...

what do you know- they would be

back again. Pathetic.

GEORGE

Shameful.

JERRY

Totally inconsistent.

EACH MAN GOES OFF INTO HIS OWN THOUGHTS.

GEORGE

You know Thoreau once said

"damn consistency".

JERRY

Thoreau?

GEORGE

I think. That's what I recall from...

Walton's Lake? No, Waldorf? Walmark?

JERRY

Prison starting to make you a little

pretentious? You're not gonna become

a quote guy now are ya? One of those

self-educated, convict-scholar types?

"George on Ice?"

GEORGE

"With Waldorfman's Lake"? Something

smaller than a lake... Not a fountain.

It was some small natural enclosure

for water... What was that book?

You know! The one they tried to cram

down our throats in eighth grade.

JERRY

It was a pond and its name was Walden.

GEORGE

Pond! What is wrong with me?

Trying too hard again. Going too

deep into the language.

JERRY

Yes.

GEORGE

You know that Mrs. Marin in American

Lit never had a clue I coasted with

solid Cs on all my book reports with

nary more than a glance at the back

covers of the assigned books.

JERRY

Nary?

GEORGE

I don't know. When I talk literary

those back covers come rushing

back in a flood. It's involuntary.

JERRY

Nary. (SMILES) Is that what you were

doing yesterday... Rereading the back

covers of the classics of American

literature? I thought you were

sorting books for the prison

librarian.

GEORGE

You can expect something like a

nary to infiltrate. Don't broach

the subject if you're just gonna

turn around and make mock of me.

JERRY

"Make mock"? Now that one has

gotta be all your own. That ain't

on the back of any book anywhere

no matter how old or distinguished.

That's fake antique English.

GEORGE

Fine.

JERRY

(MUSING, EYES GOING DISTANT)

Damn consistency huh?

GEORGE

Damn it! Nothing you have ever

said or done matters!

JERRY

I like it!

GEORGE

You'll be in fine company Jerry.

Thoreau. (SUDDENLY MEEK) He

lived deliberately.

JERRY GRINS WILDLY.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE B

INT. JERRY�S PRISON CELL - DAY

JERRY RISES FROM SLEEP, REACHING FOR HIS ORANGE PRISONER�S JUMP SUIT AND PUTTING IT ON. KRAMER COMES STRIDING UP TO JERRY�S CELL.

JERRY

Just think, if these were only

olive green we�d look like fighter

pilots. That would be cool.

KRAMER STARTS TO PULL OPEN JERRY'S CELL DOOR TO ENTER, WHICH IS UNLOCKED AND SLIGHTLY AJAR. JERRY CATCHES THE DOOR AND STOPS HIM.

JERRY

Let's not start that here. You

could really do some damage to

yourself with a heavy steel bar

door like this. I can hear you

fine from there.

KRAMER GRINS AND LEANS ON THE BARS, STAYING OUTSIDE THE CELL.

KRAMER

Jerry, why don�t you come with?

JERRY

Thanks Kramer, but as enchanting

as it is to picture myself parading

around in public in prisoner orange...

And at the same time getting to do

meaningless manual labor, I�ll

have to decline I�m afraid.

GEORGE COMES WALKING UP BEHIND KRAMER.

KRAMER

Hey there he is... How �bout you

George? Volunteer with me for

a little supervised-work-release

-style action down in the city?

GEORGE

I just got my hands on the menu for

the rest of the month.

KRAMER

So?

GEORGE

So I want to stay in and see what's

coming up from a food standpoint for

the next few weeks. Besides what is

that whole thing, a chain gang or

something?

KRAMER

No, no, very civilized. We work

by day among the fair citizens of

the city and then return to rest

blissfully at night under a

protective veil of high security

even a head of state would envy.

Help your time go faster.

GEORGE

That�s the last thing I want. I

want this year to feel like five.

Jerry do you realize that we are now

down to a matter of decades?

JERRY

What?

GEORGE

I mean our life spans. It's getting

down to where we can count the

days.

JERRY

It's always been down to where we

"can count the days", since the minute

of birth, or conception for that

matter. The human life span at it's

most optimistic has long been more

or less a known quantity George.

GEORGE

Well why couldn't they just have

forgotten to tell me. The life

span is the one piece of common

knowledge I wish they had somehow

failed to transmit to me.

JERRY

I see.

GEORGE

I mean that�s conceivable. Everyone

is absent from school at least one

day. And you can have only so

many conversations and watch so

many educational/news t.v. programs.

Plus at a certain point in any circle

of persons, most basic facts get to

that point of being taken so firmly

for granted that no one mentions

them anymore.

JERRY

How do you come up with this kind

of clear-sighted analysis?

GEORGE

I'm serious. If I had one wish,

it would be that no one ever told

me how long I could expect it all

to last.

JERRY

That the subject just never occurred

to you, and if you did hear anything

remotely related to it, it just didn't

register.

GEORGE

Yes! Like I wasn't born with the part

of my brain where that has to register!

Yes, that's better! That's it! That

physiologically I was incapable of

comprehending the life span concept.

What a blessing that kind of mental

handicap would be!

JERRY

Are you done now?

GEORGE

Danger, that's what I should have

taken on. I should have been,

something dangerous and in danger.

JERRY TUGS AT HIS JUMP SUIT.

JERRY

Hey look! Color it olive green

and we look like fighter pilots.

GEORGE

That's what I should have done.

JERRY

They're probably second only to

Superman himself ya know.

GEORGE

Then I would have had it set up

so I had to deal with so much danger

on a daily basis that I never would

have expected to have a full life span.

The promise of a full life span would

never have occurred to me. Those guys

have it made... Every day is a gift,

every hour, every minute. But it's too

late now. The clock is ticking down.

JERRY

Boy I never thought we�d see the

day you�d become a clock watcher.

(MORE)

JERRY (CONT'D)

Totally careless with time all your

life... Now you�re gonna waste the

rest of what you�ve got peering

intently at each minute as it goes

by until you get to the last one.

KRAMER

Well gentlemen, I must be going.

I�ll be upon the town for the day.

KRAMER EXITS.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE C

INT. RETIREMENT HOME LOBBY - DAY

ELAINE HAS JUST ARRIVED WITH A GROUP OF FEMALE PRISONERS, ALL IN PRISON UNIFORM. A FEMALE GUARD ADDRESSES THEM.

GUARD

Listen up! While here at the

Home for Retired Female Former

Model Prisoners, you will follow

all guidelines, rules, regulations,

and stipulations. You are here

to learn and gain direction in

your rehabilitation.

ELAINE AND THE OTHERS GAZE AT A GROUP OF SWEET OLD LADIES WHO STAND ACROSS THE ROOM WITH COOKIES AND LEMONADE.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE D

EXT. THE NEW YORK STREET - DAY

KRAMER AND A GROUP OF PRISONERS PICK UP TRASH UP OFF OF THE NEW YORK STREET. SUPERVISING GUARDS ARE NEAR, BUT THE MEN MOVE FREELY ABOUT THEIR TASK. KRAMER SMILES AT A FELLOW CONVICT WHILE SMOOTHING HIS ORANGE SUIT.

KRAMER

You know I wondered why they

dressed us up in bright orange.

Now I see they want to keep us

safe during any roadside work

we might volunteer for. It's a

humanitarian measure. I bet you

can see this kind of orange from

outer space or... The Great Wall

of China.

CONVICT

It's so they can put a bullet in ya

easy if ya make a break for it Sunshine.

KRAMER JOLTS AND THEN TURNS BACK TO HIS WORK.

KRAMER STRAYS AROUND A CORNER INTO AN ALLEY IN PURSUIT OF A PIECE OF GARBAGE RUNNING AWAY WITH THE WIND. AFTER A SMALL CHASE, HE FINALLY GETS IT INTO HIS PLASTIC TRASH BAG.

HE PULLS OUT A WATER BOTTLE WHICH IS STENCILED WITH THE WORDS "COMPLIMENTS OF AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL". CUT

KRAMER LEANS HIS HEAD BACK TO FINISH OFF HIS WATER JUST IN TIME TO SEE AN UNOCCUPIED WINDOW WASHER'S SCAFFOLDING ABOVE START TO COME LOOSE FROM IT'S CABLES.

ALARMED HE LOOKS BACK OUT TO THE STREET, TO WHERE TWO GUARDS STAND DIRECTLY BENEATH THE SCAFFOLD, TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO ANY DANGER.

KRAMER SPRINTS, COVERING GROUND LIKE A SUPER HERO. HE HITS THE TWO GUARDS IN A FLYING TACKLE, TAKING THEM WITH HIM INTO THE STREET.

IMMEDIATELY THE GUARD'S TRAINING TAKES OVER. WHILE THE THREE STILL TUMBLE TOGETHER, KRAMER GETS BLINDED WITH PEPPER SPRAY AND HANDCUFFED BEFORE HE EVEN STOPS ROLLING.

A SPLIT SECOND TICKS OFF AND THE SCAFFOLD LANDS IN THE STREET WITH A SPECTACULAR SMASH RIGHT ONTO THE SPOT IN WHICH THE GUARDS WERE JUST STANDING.

INSTINCTIVELY THE KEYED UP GUARDS DRAW THEIR PISTOLS AND WHIRL IN THE DIRECTION OF THE SCAFFOLD, EMPTYING THEIR GUNS INTO IT.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE E

INT. RETIREMENT HOME - DAY

ELAINE IS IN CONVERSATION WITH ONE OF THE RETIRED MODEL PRISONERS- A SWEET, GRANDMOTHERLY OLD WOMAN.

OLD WOMAN

... So they finally went back and

reopened the case and exonerated me

completely.

ELAINE

My God! You were falsely accused

and convicted?!

OLD WOMAN

Yes. Well, it was an accident.

ELAINE

An accident! An accident that they

locked you up for half a lifetime?!

You were innocent!

OLD WOMAN

No, no dear. It was an accident that

they found out I was innocent after

they locked me up. It was very

embarrassing for me. I successfully

maintained that I was guilty for a

year after they found the evidence I

didn't do it. But they finally made

me admit innocence and sent me home.

It made them look just terrible.

ELAINE

What are you talking about!

OLD WOMAN

Well young lady, in my day we didn't

think of ourselves first. We thought

of others. Once they found me

guilty, I thought it best that I

should accept the mistake rather than

fight it and possibly do damage to

the credibility of our criminal

justice system and our wonderful

policemen and district attorneys.

Oh, and our handsome governor... I

felt so badly.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE G

EXT. PRISON BASEBALL FIELD - DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE SWING BATS, WARMING UP. THE PRISON'S TWO BASEBALL TEAMS ARE IN THE MIDST OF BATTING PRACTICE.

GEORGE

At least down here in minimum

security we get baseball.

JERRY

You know the last few days things

have seemed like maybe even a

little less than minimum. It's nice.

GEORGE

Things didn't turn out so bad.

JERRY

Not too bad.

GEORGE

As free men we had no full baseball.

A little spectating, that was it.

Now as men who have been forced from

any, much less full participation

in society, we can participate in

baseball with fullness. There is a

great lesson therein.

SUDDENLY JERRY AND GEORGE ARE SURPRISED BY THE APPEARANCE OF A STRIKING BLONDE WOMAN WITH A CAMERA CREW, ESCORTED BY A PRISON GUARD. THE WOMAN HOLDS A MICROPHONE AND IS OBVIOUSLY A NEWS REPORTER.

BLONDE

Hello.

JERRY

Hi, hello.

BLONDE

We are with Scandinavian television

and are doing a story on American

baseball. Since it is out of

season right now, yours is the

only organized game we could track

down in New York. Could you

help us with some details as we

observe? Our deadline is near.

JERRY

Absolutely.

GEORGE

Glad to. We're taking batting

practice right now. Once the game

starts here in a little bit we'll

be able to really give you a taste

of our national pastime!

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE H

EXT. AN UPSTATE NEW YORK CONVENIENCE STORE - EVENING

ELAINE AND HER FELLOW PRISONERS ARE RIDING IN A WHITE VAN DRIVEN BY TWO GUARDS. THEY PULL UP TO THE STORE.

THE SIGN ON THE STORE READS "X-TREME CONVENIENCE".

A GUARD HOPS OUT OF THE VAN AND SLIDES THE SIDE DOOR OPEN TO ADDRESS THE PRISONERS.

GUARD ONE

Okay, as a special feature of the

new Model Prisoner Rehabilitation

Enhancement Program, a convenience

store stop is stipulated by the

regulationary guidelines governing

said program. It is explicitly so

stated.

THE PRISONERS CHEER LIKE SCHOOLGIRLS. ELAINE LOOKS IRRITATED.

GUARD ONE

(TO GUARD TWO) Take the little

timid one. She presents the minimal

potential security risk parameter

profile.

GUARD TWO

You! Number 5558383. You gotta

come along... come in and help.

ELAINE LOOKS DOWN AT THE NUMBER ON THE FRONT OF HER UNIFORM AND SEES IT IS HER NUMBER THAT HAS BEEN CALLED.

ELAINE

I'm not timid. Maybe mild mannered

and petite, but not little or timid.

GUARD ONE

Can it convict.

ELAINE SIGHS DEEPLY AS SHE IS LET OUT OF THE VAN TO GO INTO THE STORE WITH THE GUARD.

ELAINE

Besides you said we're "models"

anyway. What are ya worried about?

Like a big, aggressive girl is gonna

run away better? Haven't you ever

watched the Olympics? The girl

runners are light on their feet...

Sleek and aerodynamic. Svelte.

(MORE)

ELAINE (CONT'D)

What you more need to watch for

is low to the ground and speedy.

GUARD TWO

That's enough. We don't appreciate

attempted escape humor 8383555.

ELAINE SMIRKS AT THE GUARD AND LOOKS DOWN AT THE NUMBER ON THE FRONT OF HER UNIFORM. SHE GRABS THE FRONT OF HER UNIFORM TO TWIST THE NUMBER SO SHE CAN SEE IT. THE GUARD HAS SAID HER NUMBER BACKWARDS.

GUARD

Okay so I'm dyslexic. I have your

face and silhouette cold memorized,

so don't think I'll in any way lose

track of you. I don't need to know

your number, I've got your number.

ELAINE

Just walk screw.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE J

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - EVENING

A ROLLING STONES SONG BLASTS AT DEAFENING LEVEL AS ELAINE AND THE GUARD ENTER. THE YOUNG CLERK BEHIND THE COUNTER SEES ELAINE'S PRISON UNIFORM. HE TURNS OFF THE MUSIC. FEAR AND UNCERTAINTY FILL HIS FACE.

ELAINE

(TO CLERK) Relax. We're just

shootin' a movie nearby pal.

HER GUARD IGNORES ELAINE'S COMMENT, SMILING AT THE CLERK AS IF THEY'RE LIFE LONG FRIENDS.

GUARD TWO

Howdy Charlie!

CLERK

Do I know you officer?

GUARD TWO

No, but a new program just started...

We're gonna be stoppin' here

regular, so ya will.

CLERK

(POINTING TO HIS NAME TAG)

My name's Marley... What do you

mean a new program, I thought she

just said movie...

THE GUARD LEANS IN TOWARD THE CLERK. HIS MANNER IS MILDLY MENACING.

GUARD TWO

Listen, lets just stick with

"Charlie" to keep it consistent.

THE GUARD MOVES DEEPER INTO THE STORE.

CLERK

(SOTTO TO ELAINE) Oh, that's very

convincing... the tough guard thing...

very convincing. I guess you actor

people stay in character all the time

when you're making a movie to be more

convincing. Oh that's good. I read

about that. More and more in the

films lately it's been very convincing

what you actors have been doing as far

as getting us, the watchers, fully

convinced. Your movie is gonna be

way real-life consistent when it comes

out, I can see... What's the name of

your movie?

THE GUARD LOOKS AROUND THE STORE, EYES LIGHTING UP AND PICKING UP SEVERAL ITEMS.

GUARD TWO

Wow, you guys are really stocked.

This is outstanding!

CLERK

Well, I'm independent. You can't

go with a big corporate chain

convenience store franchise if

you want to truly serve your

customers. All homogenized

and dehumanized... No heart or

soul. Did ya notice when ya came

in? That was no elevator music.

ELAINE

You know that did sound good. I

guess its been so many months since

I heard music that just about anything

would sound really striking...

Stones!

GUARD TWO

Let me tell you as a former cop

for six months, this is the most

beautiful selection I've ever seen!

CLERK

Yeah, well it isn't a mom and pop

revival movement I'm goin' for now.

This is the next level in convenience

store concepts. The next wave.

GUARD TWO

Is that right.

CLERK

Like micro brew and them coffee shops

with superior available flavors

poppin' up all over. Convenience

stores with a Generation X -X -Xtra

Xtreme slam of human type soul and

Xtra care in product providalment.

ELAINE

"Providalment"? Who do you think

you are, Winston Churchill? You're

a kid. You can't just make up words.

GUARD TWO HOLDS UP TWO HANDFULS OF ITEMS WAVING THEM AT GUARD ONE OUTSIDE THROUGH THE STORE WINDOW.

GUARD ONE COMES OUT OF THE VAN AND INTO THE STORE.

GUARD ONE

I haven't seen those since I

was a kid!

GUARD TWO

Oh we gotta stretch regulations

a little bit and bring back

a good supply here. We won't

be back up this way until next

week.

THE TWO GUARDS GO INTO A FRENZY OF GATHERING. THEY GLEEFULLY GRAB AND START FILLING HANDMADE PAPER GROCERY BAGS AS THE CLERK PRODUCES THEM AS FAST AS HE CAN.

CAUGHT UP IN THE GUARDS' ENTHUSIASM, THE CLERK CRANKS THE ROLLING STONES BACK UP TO MAX LEVEL.

ELAINE STARTS TO GET INTO IT TOO, GOING INTO A LITTLE OF HER PATENTED DANCING AS SHE HELPS LOAD UP THE GROCERY BAGS.

ONE GUARD HAULS AN 80 PACK OF TWINKIES TO THE COUNTER.

ELAINE TWISTS TO GET OUT OF THE WAY. AS SHE DANCES AND BACK PEDALS, SHE TRIPS AND FALLS INTO THE OPEN DOOR OF A BROOM CLOSET.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE K

INT. BROOM CLOSET -EVENING

THE BACK OF ELAINE'S JUMP SUIT CATCHES ON AN OLD SINK IN THE CLOSET AND SHE STRUGGLES TO TURN AND FREE HERSELF BUT CAN'T GET HER HANDS BACK BEHIND HER FAR ENOUGH.

SHE HOLLERS TO CALL THE GUARDS BUT SHE HAS NO CHANCE AGAINST THE BLARING ROCK MUSIC THE CLERK HAS GOING FULL BLAST. SHE DESPERATELY SCREAMS AND SHOUTS IN VAIN.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE L

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - EVENING

THE ROLLING STONES CONTINUE TO BLAST. THE TWO GUARDS PAY THE CLERK AND GIVE HIM HIGH FIVES. THEN THE GUARDS EXIT.

THE STORE CLERK VAULTS HIS COUNTER TO FOLLOW THEM OUT. HE CARRIES TWO REMOTE CONTROLS IN HIS HANDS. FLIPPING THE "CLOSED" SIGN, HE STEPS TO LEAVE FOR THE DAY.

HE STARTS TO GO OUT THE FRONT DOOR. IN ONE SMOOTH UNBROKEN MOTION HE SWITCHES OFF THE STORE STEREO SYSTEM WITH ONE REMOTE CONTROL, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY HITTING THE OTHER REMOTE CONTROL WHICH HE AIMS AT HIS BATTERED '60'S CONVERTIBLE MUSTANG, PARKED RIGHT OUT FRONT, TOP DOWN.

THE CAR'S STEREO BLARES TO LIFE WITH EVEN LOUDER MUSIC.

THE UNINTERRUPTED ROAR OF ROCK AND ROLL INSURES ELAINE'S SHOUTS ARE NEVER HEARD.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE M

EXT. PRISON BASEBALL FIELD - EVENING

BATTING PRACTICE IS STILL GOING ON. THE SCANDINAVIAN CREW IS SHOOTING VIDEO FOOTAGE.

GEORGE AND JERRY ARE SWITCHING OFF AT CENTER FIELD AFTER EVERY COUPLE OF PITCHES, HOPPING BACK AND FORTH OVER THE SHORT CHAIN LINK OUTFIELD FENCE. THE FIELD LIGHTS ARE ON.

GEORGE

Who would have thought? Night

games in prison. This nation is

full of hidden miracles. Has

there ever been a civilization so

advanced and enlightened. So

humane?

JERRY

And we thought we'd be in danger.

Or in discomfort. We predicted

hardship.

GEORGE

(CHOKING SLIGHTLY WITH EMOTION)

This nation is swelling with

humanitarians. I mean for Mr.

Steinbrenner to donate a battery

of brand new pitching machines

to the prison baseball program,

after he found out they moved

us down here. Well...it's just

humanitarianesque.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE N

EXT. PRISON BASEBALL FIELD - EVENING

PITCHING MACHINE MONTAGE BEGINS:

SCENE #1 EXT. THE FIELD - EVENING

THE PITCHER ON THE MOUND USING A PITCHING MACHINE.

CUT TO:

SCENE #2 EXT. THE FIELD - EVENING

TWO INMATES PLAY CATCH, EACH USING HIS OWN MACHINE TO THROW TO THE OTHER.

CUT TO:

SCENE #3 EXT THE FIELD - EVENING

TWO INMATES AIMLESSLY LAUNCH BASEBALL'S AT A BRICK WALL WITH THREE MACHINES EACH. THE NEXT BEAT, ONE OF THEM GOES AFTER A FLOCK OF BIRDS WITH ONE OF HIS MACHINES.

END OF MONTAGE

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE P

EXT. CENTER FIELD - EVENING

JERRY

Hey! Better pay attention George...

Here comes one...

GEORGE DEFTLY CATCHES A ROUTINE FLY BALL.

NEAR GEORGE IS A PITCHING MACHINE, LEANING BACK AGAINST THE CENTER FIELD FENCE. THE PITCHING MACHINE IS PROPPED UP AGAINST THE FENCE SO THAT IT IS AIMED SKYWARD AND TOWARD THE INFIELD.

GEORGE TAKES THE BALL HE HAS JUST CAUGHT AND POPS IT INTO THE MACHINE AND ACTIVATES IT SO THAT THE BALL IS THROWN BACK IN TOWARD THE PITCHER.

GEORGE

Right in his glove! Did ya see

that?! Perfect! Surgical!

JERRY

Wow!

GEORGE STEPS OVER AND PROUDLY PATS THE MACHINE.

GEORGE

I got this baby positioned

perfectly. Precision tilt.

(SUDDENLY SAD) I should have

gone into the dangerous profession

of arms after all. I would have

been an artillery genius!

JERRY GLANCES AT THE REPORTER TUGGING HIS ORANGE JUMP SUIT.

JERRY

Color it olive green and we

look like fighter pilots...

SUDDENLY A FLIGHT OF MILITARY JETS SHOOTS OVERHEAD, AT A FAIRLY LOW ALTITUDE- PROBABLY LOWER THAN THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE. THE ROAR IS DEAFENING, THE PAINT SCHEME UNMISTAKABLE: IT'S THE U.S. NAVY DEMONSTRATION TEAM, THE BLUE ANGELS.

GEORGE

Now that, can't be for us!

JERRY

Na, the Giants are on Monday Night

Football tonight, they must be

headed down there to do a fly over. JERRY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS JUMP SUIT.

JERRY

They look a little olive green

under these lights.

JERRY SWITCHES AT CENTER FIELD WITH GEORGE.

BLONDE

Okay, you were explaining why

only one player gets a stick.

GEORGE

No, no, no. Not a "stick". It's

called a bat.

BLONDE

Yes, and what about the puck again?

Everyone is allowed to pick it up

and throw it at any time if they

wish?

GEORGE

"Ball" not "puck".

REPORTER

Ah yes. When I think "ball", I

think a big round one filled with

air for kicking, not the little

tiny little puck-like balls such

as yours.

GEORGE

Why don't we get off the specifics

for awhile.

GEORGE TAKES HER NOTE PAD AND PEN.

GEORGE (CONT'D)

Let me diagram a notional first

inning for you, to convey the

general flow.

GEORGE STARTS T0 DRAW.

JERRY HOPS BACK OVER THE FENCE. GEORGE HANDS THE PEN AND PAD BACK TO HER AND CLIMBS OVER TO TAKE THE FIELD.

BLONDE

I don't really understand the stick

thing at all. Why does only the

goalie get a stick in your game?

JERRY

The man at the plate is not a goalie.

He's the hitter- the batter.

Remember?

REPORTER

And the goal scoring? If the goalie

misses (CORRECTING SELF) ... I mean if

the "batter" misses, this does not

score a goal?

JERRY

No. Look, the pitcher... the guy

doing most of the ball throwing?

He's not trying to score a goal...

Well he is in a way, but not

as much as the stick man is. The

stick... The batter man, is more

the one trying to score the goal...

For the most part essentially.

BLONDE

The man with the ball throws it so

the stick man can hit it and score.

So the "pitcher" and "batter" are

partners.

JERRY

No, no. The pitcher does throw it

so he can hit it. But at the very

same time he throws it so that he

can't hit it.

GEORGE SHOUTS FROM CENTER FIELD.

GEORGE

Right! He throws him the ball

to give him a chance to score with

it. But he'd really rather not have

him be successful at that chance if

he can stop him from having it.

JERRY

He wants the ball to get past him

ideally. But not if it's not in

just the right certain way. Then

it's not what he wants.

GEORGE JOGS BACK TO THE FENCE.

GEORGE

And don't forget, once he hits,

it's only the very start of a

score, not a complete one yet.

That comes later if some other

things come through... base-wise.

THE DISASTER OF AN EXPLANATION CONTINUES.

BLONDE

So both try to score?

JERRY

No. But I can see your angle...

Yeah, I guess you could look at

it as a scoring attempt by the

of the puck thrower, from a

certain perspective.

REPORTER

Yes?

JERRY

Sure! The catcher is wearing

the goal on his hand. Sure. And

the puck thrower is trying to slip

it in there...right past the stick

man, and just right.

GEORGE AND JERRY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND WE CAN SEE THEY KNOW THEY HAVE DONE A POOR JOB OF EXPLAINING THE GAME.

BUT THE REPORTER IS WRITING FURIOUSLY, AND WITH CONFIDENCE, APPARENTLY BELIEVING SHE GETS IT.

REPORTER

Well thank you, I have what I

need.

GEORGE LOOKS ALARMED. THE CREW STARTS TO PACK UP.

CAMERAMAN

We got it in the can.

GEORGE

No, no. You need to stay for

the game to see. You can't go now...

GEORGE GRABS THE REPORTER'S SLEEVE AS SHE TURNS TO GO.

REPORTER

(ALARMED) Guard!

A HULKING PRISON GUARD CHARGES TOWARD GEORGE.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE

this was great!!! just like watching a new episode!!! thanks for the much needed "seinfeld fix!" (yes, i love exclamation points just as much as elaine!!!)

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You decide! :)

Here's Act Two. The whole thing will also go up on the Mining Co's Seinfeld site this week.

ACT TWO

SCENE R

INT. JERRY'S PRISON CELL - DAY

WE SEE GEORGE IN A "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS" LEATHER MASK.

HE WHIPS IT OFF.

GEORGE

Huh? Leather shop... You've got

to get down there Jerry. Great

facility. (HOLDS UP MASK) Hannibal

Lecter... Guards thought it was

hilarious... You know, since we're

minimum security guys.

IT IS EVIDENT THAT GEORGE HAS BEEN TRYING TO CHEER JERRY UP.

GEORGE (CONT'D)

Look. It's impossible to teach

a foreign person baseball in one

hour. It's too intricate. That's

what we learned. And that's fine.

JERRY

Perhaps.

GEORGE

Prison is supposed to be a learning

experience partly. We're gonna

find this experience full of many

new lessons. That's just one.

JERRY

I guess. But I feel like we let

her go away with a pretty damn

twisted take on the game George.

GEORGE

And so what are our obligations

here? We're not Scandinavians.

JERRY

No, I know.

GEORGE

Plus why would anyone over there care

in the slightest about the precise

details of a game they'll never

play?

JERRY WARMS TO THIS AND JOINS IN.

JERRY

Television could tell you and me

almost anything about Norwegian

sleigh racing and we wouldn't know

the difference- even if we were

momentarily interested.

GEORGE

Who says just because a bunch of

foreigners show up and start asking

questions we have a duty to spill

our guts and start giving out

our sports secrets?! Those reindeer

herders got what they deserved!

JERRY

And even if we did get the details

of sleigh racing wrong, and it

ever came up...

GEORGE

Which it wouldn't...

JERRY

Exactly. And even if it did in

some insane set of circumstances,

I'm sure the Norwegians who knew

the right rules to sleigh racing...

(MORE)

JERRY (CONT'D)

And heard us talk about the wrong

ones, would essentially take the

stance that "Hell, well, we know

you're not Norwegian so we can

understand some confusion about

the rules on your part... "We're

impressed enough with the fact you're

aware we race sleighs," is what

they'd say.

GEORGE

Yes.

JERRY

Right.

GEORGE

See!

JERRY

Plus we saved them from the Nazis!

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE S

INT. WARDEN'S OFFICE - DAY

KRAMER IS IN FRONT OF THE WARDEN AT ATTENTION.

WARDEN

This is a banner day here at the

John F. Kennedy Restricted Freedom

of Individual Movement Community.

You've become a true good guy

Mr. Cosmo.

KRAMER

That's Mr. Kramer sir.

THE WARDEN LEANS FORWARD TO LOOK AT THE FILE IN FRONT OF HIM.

WARDEN

I've got Cosmo here. Jerry Cosmo.

Oh well.

KRAMER

It's Cosmo Kramer sir.

WARDEN

Is that short for Cosmopolitan, or

a space age/free love type thing?

KRAMER

It's just Cosmo as far as I know.

WARDEN

Well, it is my privilege to be the

one to tell you that the Governor

intervened on your behalf. You're

a free man. A special dispensation.

KRAMER

Well that was quick. I can still

taste the pepper spray in my mouth.

KRAMER LOOKS PLAYFULLY ACROSS THE ROOM AND WINKS.

THE TWO GUARDS WHO'S LIVES KRAMER SAVED ARE STANDING OFF TO THE SIDE. THEY COME OVER AND HEARTILY SHAKE KRAMER'S HAND WITH BEAMING SMILES. THE GUARDS THEN GO INTO ELABORATE HAND SLAPPING WITH KRAMER.

KRAMER NOTICES THE GUARDS WEAR ELECTRONIC STUN GUNS WHERE THEIR PISTOLS USED TO BE. HE TAKES OUT ONE OF THE STUN GUNS AND ZAPS THE AIR WITH IT.

KRAMER

What's this? They took your pistols?

GUARD

Just for a while.

KRAMER

No, no, no. That was good shootin'.

THEY SEEM TO NOTICE THE WARDEN'S GLARE, WHICH MAKES THEM REMEMBER THEMSELVES AND STRAIGHTEN UP.

WARDEN

Mr. Kramer I'm a modest man. I

grew up on the Lone Ranger if

you know what I mean.

KRAMER

I think I might understand that.

WARDEN

You recall at the end of every

heroic rescue, after the: "Who was

that masked man?" How you know he

never waited around to be thanked?

KRAMER

Sure.

WARDEN

That probably best describes me in

my own personal lifesaving habits.

And so in your case, lo ye who had

found rescue and had thereby indeed

been rescuee, didst then turnest

about and also effect a rescue,

becoming rescuer.

KRAMER NODS REVERENTLY.

WARDEN

Which precise rehabilitational

measures of mine were the key, key,

elements in your personal salvation

and heroic transformation? We need

not nail them down individually.

And if...

KRAMER

Is this an official ceremony that's

required -that you're doing here, or

am I pretty much free to go? Lo tho

it be under my own power as it were...

ergo...ipso facto, nolo contendere?

WARDEN

Well no... There is no officially

required release ceremony I know

of. Most people just like to get

on their way.

KRAMER

Well I can see where that would

be of course most customary and

smoothest.

WARDEN

Unless there is a release ceremony

that has simply fallen into disuse.

You know, it all started at the end

of the 1960's...

KRAMER

Oh my.

WARDEN

First the kids' hair went woolly wild.

Then the cops stopped wearing their

hats in a lot of cities...next thing

ya know whole country's got no

discipline or tradition anymore.

KRAMER

I see.

WARDEN

That's a damn fine question. There

certainly should be a release

ceremony if there isn't one that's

simply fallen into disuse.

THE WARDEN PUNCHES A BUTTON ON HIS INTERCOM.

WARDEN

Molly I'm gonna need to get into

the archives this afternoon.

KRAMER

Sure. Sure. Well great. But

I guess in my case we just follow

the most recent precedent... great.

CUT TO:

SCENE T

INT. JERRY CELL - DAY

JERRY CLEANS HIS CELL, AS GEORGE READS THE BACK COVER OF A BOOK.

SUDDENLY KRAMER COMES SHUFFLING QUICKLY BY, WEARING HIS STREET CLOTHES. HE SHOUTS TO GEORGE AND JERRY.

KRAMER

I'll call to explain as soon as

I get back to the city!

JERRY

What the hell?

KRAMER

Newman never waits longer than ten

minutes on the dot. I think he's

already been out in the parking lot

for five. If I miss him were talkin'

300 dollar cab ride and I'm heading

into a rebuilding year Jerry!

CUT TO:

SCENE V

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT

ELAINE CRAWLING OUT OF A VENTILATION DUCT TO ESCAPE THE STORE. IT IS A FAIRLY PROTRACTED STRUGGLE.

ELAINE

Please God make the Rolling Stones

burn in eternal hell.

AS SHE HOPS DOWN, SHE IS STARTLED TO FIND A COLLEGE AGED KID STANDING AND WATCHING HER. THE KID WEARS A HUGE, OVERSTUFFED, FRAME BACKPACK AND A "UNIVERSITY OF BERLIN" CAP.

KID

I am Helmut from Bavaria. Hello.

ELAINE

Helmut. Are you by any chance

carrying a cell phone with you?

HELMUT

No. I am traveling through your

big democracy though. And am I a

huge American fan however.

Especially products.

HELMUT NOW HOLDS UP HIS PORTABLE STEREO AND HITS A BUTTON. HIP-HOP RAP MUSIC BLASTS FORTH.

ELAINE

Listen Helmut, I'm in the middle

of a little emergency here.

HELMUT

I am traveling to look around among

the popular gangster rap capital of

the world and the various neighborhood

towns that make up its contents, here

during just my salad student days.

ELAINE

Yes. Listen... Wow that is really

bad English ya got there. I thought

I had heard broken English...

Yours is broke in half.

HELMUT

This is authentic U.S. prison wear?

HELMUT TOUCHES ELAINE'S ORANGE JUMPSUIT. HE PULLS OUT A LARGE AMOUNT OF CASH, OFFERING IT TO ELAINE.

HELMUT (CONT'D)

This must be the one single best

souvenir I will take home, yes?

ELAINE

I'm sorry that's impossible.

HELMUT

Ah, yes of course. Forgive me.

That would not be the correct

custom -no? I know the right

experience to have here in this

case of situations.

HELMUT TAKES OFF HIS HUGE PACK, REACHING INTO IT AND PULLING A SMALL HANDGUN OUT.

HELMUT (CONT'D)

Busted caps can start to happen

here now soon without compliance.

HELMUT LOOKS SERIOUS. HE GRABS A T-SHIRT AND PAIR OF TROUSERS FROM HIS PACK AND THROWS THEM AT ELAINE.

RESIGNED SHE TAKES THEM AND STEPS BEHIND THE STORE'S DUMPSTER TO CHANGE.

AS SHE THROWS THE ORANGE JUMP SUIT OVER THE DUMPSTER TO HELMUT SHE BREAKS INTO A RAGE.

ELAINE

You know America is not a giant

theme park you idiot!

CUT TO:

SCENE W

EXT. SCANDINAVIAN BASEBALL FIELD - DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: NORWAY

AN UNBELIEVABLY MUTATED FORM OF BASEBALL IS UNDERWAY.

EVERY SINGLE PLAYER ON THE FIELD HAS A BASEBALL BAT.

THERE MUST BE EIGHT PITCHING MACHINES SET UP AROUND THE FIELD AT VARIOUS LOCATIONS. BALLS FLY EVERYWHERE -THERE ARE AT LEAST FIFTEEN IN PLAY.

A FEW HAVE AMERICAN BASEBALL GEAR. SOME MEN ARE USING HOCKEY GLOVES IN LIEU OF BASEBALL GLOVES.

THE MAN UP AT BAT WEARS A HOCKEY GOALIE MASK AND PADS.

MEN ARE USING THE OUTFIELD FENCE TO COME IN AND OUT OF THE GAME AT A CONSTANT RATE- LIKE PLAYERS SUBSTITUTING DURING A HOCKEY GAME.

TWO RUNNERS ROUND THE BASES. ONE GOING CLOCKWISE, THE OTHER COUNTER-CLOCKWISE. THE TWO RUNNERS ARE SO INTENT ON THEIR COURSES THEY COLLIDE SPECTACULARLY AT SECOND BASE.

MORE BALLS COME INTO PLAY AND SOME MEN ARE PINNED DOWN LIKE SOLDIERS ON A BATTLEFIELD.

CUT TO:

SCENE Y

EXT. NORWEGIAN BASEBALL FIELD - DAY

A DISTINGUISHED MAN IN A NORWEGIAN NAVAL OFFICER'S UNIFORM WATCHES THE CHAOTIC SCANDINAVIAN BASEBALL GAME. WITH HIM IS HIS SMALL DOG.

IN THE DUGOUT NEXT TO HIM AN OLD MAN WITH A LATHE IS HAND MAKING BASEBALL BATS- THE BATS ARE RECOGNIZABLE, BUT COMICALLY OUT OF PROPORTION TO A REGULATION BASEBALL BAT. A PILE OF WOOD IS ON ONE SIDE OF HIM, AND A PILE OF OUTLANDISHLY SHAPED BATS ON THE OTHER SIDE.

SUDDENLY A BALL ARCS SKYWARD FROM THE FIELD, AND COMES RIGHT FOR THE NORWEGIAN NAVAL OFFICER. HE DUCKS AS THE BALL COMES IN AND NAILS HIS DOG SQUARELY ON THE HEAD.

THE UNFORTUNATE ANIMAL FLIPS ONTO ITS BACK, ALL FOUR FEET POINTED TOWARD HEAVEN, OBVIOUSLY STONE DEAD.

CUT TO:

SCENE Z

EXT. PAY PHONE - NIGHT

ELAINE STANDS NEAR A PAY PHONE OUTSIDE AN ALL NIGHT COFFEE SHOP WITH TWO UNIFORMED COPS.

THE LOOK ON THE FACES OF THE TWO OFFICERS IS HALF AMAZEMENT AND HALF BARELY CONTAINED AMUSEMENT.

ELAINE

... And that's where the orange suit

went. So I need you guys to accept

my surrender.

COP #1

Sure, sure. Certainly.

COP #2

Are you aware that providing false

information to a police officer is

a serious offense?

ELAINE

What?

COP #1

Ooooh baby. You like a man in

uniform do ya?

COP #2

Move along sister psycho. Go beg

for attention somewhere else.

THE COPS STROLL OFF, ENTERING THE COFFEE SHOP.

ELAINE JUST WATCHES IN SHOCK.

A COUPLE WALKS PAST, ALSO ON THE WAY INTO THE COFFEE SHOP.

ELAINE

Real professional cops you people

have hired up here!

CUT TO:

SCENE AA

INT. ALL NIGHT COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT

WE NOW SEE THAT THE TWO "COPS" ARE IN FACT MALL SECURITY GUARDS AS THEY TAKE OFF DARK BLUE -BUT UNMARKED- JACKETS WHICH REVEAL PATCHES ON THEIR SLEEVES. ARMED AND WELL UNIFORMED, IT'S NOT HARD TO SEE HOW THEY COULD BE MISTAKEN FOR POLICE OFFICERS FROM A SMALLER COMMUNITY.

SECURITY GUARD #1

Hey, it felt like maybe that lady

thought we were real cops. Was

that me imagining things?

SECURITY GUARD #2

I don't care what she thought. I

ain't callin' the police with that

story. That babe was nuts. You know,

she gives some made up story to the

cops, she could get in a lot of

trouble. That's false information.

We're doin' her a favor.

CUT TO:

SCENE BB

EXT. PAY PHONE - NIGHT

ELAINE STANDING NEXT TO THE PAY PHONE AS JACKIE CHILES DRIVES UP.

ELAINE GETS INSIDE THE CAR.

CUT TO:

SCENE CC

INT. JACKIE'S CAR - NIGHT

JACKIE TURNING THE CAR AROUND.

ELAINE

I didn't know who else to call.

The police laughed at me. I knew

it had to be somebody with some

kind of law type of connection

that I call. You're the only

legal oriented person I know...

JACKIE

So now tell me this again. These

two officers accused you of being

meretricious. Yet you were

completely non-suspicious, and in

fact, down right morally delicious?

ELAINE

Ya startin' to finally run out of

those?

JACKIE

I'm using the term delicious in its

original broad sense, not with its

more common food related connotation.

ELAINE

Ah.

JACKIE

This is a clear case Elaine. They

neglected to keep you incarcerated.

Then they failed to accept your

surrender attempt. This constitutes

a "no-fault escape."

ELAINE

Is that a real thing?

JACKIE

Not yet. But it will be. And we've

got precedent on our side.

ELAINE

Huh?

JACKIE

Look, this is no different than when

they used to hang criminals... If

your rope broke, you were a free man.

This is a modern equivalent to that.

ELAINE

It is?

JACKIE

Yes, and I will so argue. The law

is a living and growing thing and

we are about to become a part of

that process.

ELAINE

I see.

JACKIE

Finally, Jackie Chiles front and

center at the Supreme Court. This

is it! This is my shot at a place

in the books! I can see it now...

"Benes V. New York 1999: A Jackie

Chiles Law."

CUT TO:

SCENE DD

INT. PRISON PHONE CENTER - DAY

GEORGE IS ON A PHONE. A WORRIED JERRY STANDS NEXT TO HIM.

GEORGE

(INTO PHONE) Yes. We've already

had people here from several

governing bodies, some international

athletic associations and the

Norwegian Ministry of Public Safety.

We are denying everything. But we

need your help Kramer. You must

destroy all evidence that George

knows baseball!

JERRY

(INTO PHONE) And Jerry!

CUT TO:

SCENE EE

INT. JERRY'S OLD APARTMENT - NIGHT

KRAMER, DRESSED LIKE A WATERGATE BURGLAR, IS FURIOUSLY AT WORK. HE HAULS BATS, BALLS, AND GLOVES FROM JERRY'S CLOSET AND DEPOSITS THEM IN A TRASH CAN.

HE GOES THROUGH DRAWERS AND FINDS AN 8x10 PHOTOGRAPH OF GEORGE AND JERRY AT A YANKEES GAME.

HE FINDS VIDEO TAPES MARKED BOLDLY WITH "METS" AND ADDS THEM TO THE TRASH CAN.

CUT TO:

SCENE GG

EXT. COSTANZA HOME - DAY

KRAMER BURSTS OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS ARMS OVERLOADED WITH BASEBALL EQUIPMENT, YANKEE PARAPHERNALIA AND SOUVENIRS.

HE BALANCES THREE YANKEES CAPS ON HIS HEAD AND HOLDS ONE IN HIS TEETH.

GEORGE'S PARENTS COME OUT BEHIND KRAMER LOOKING SOMEWHAT CONFUSED EVEN AS THEY WAVE GOODBYE.

CUT TO:

SCENE HH

INT. PRISON LIBRARY - DAY

GEORGE AND JERRY SIT TOGETHER. JERRY LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY AS GEORGE PERUSES THE BACK COVERS OF A FEW OF THE CLASSICS OF AMERICAN LITERATURE.

A CONVICT WE RECOGNIZE FROM THE PRISON BASEBALL FIELD SITS ACROSS FROM GEORGE AND JERRY.

GEORGE SLIDES TWO CARTONS OF CIGARETTES TO THE MAN.

JERRY

(SOTTO) Okay. Now remember

you never so much as saw us near

the ball field at any time.

GEORGE

And you even asked us to play once,

but we didn't have a clue as to how

to play baseball- so we declined firmly.

THE PRISONER NODS AND DEPARTS WITH HIS CIGARETTES.

GEORGE

Okay, that's everyone. We're covered.

CUT TO:

SCENE JJ

INT. JACKIE CHILES' OFFICE - NIGHT

JACKIE

(INTO PHONE) ... But your honor,

what were Ms. Benes' responsibilities

here? She didn't escape. She didn't

run away. They lost her. Can she

have been expected to put herself

back in jail? That would seem to

be outside her sphere of reasonable

responsibility. We have people

trained to put people in jail. Ms.

Benes is not trained to put anyone

in jail!

CUT TO:

SCENE KK

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - NIGHT

KRAMER AND ELAINE WITH TRASH CANS FULL OF JERRY AND GEORGE'S BASEBALL STUFF, THEY ARE PUTTING INTO A DEEP HOLE THEY HAVE JUST DUG.

ELAINE

Hurry! I've got to get back to

Jackie's quickly.

KRAMER

Almost forgot.

HE TAKES A FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER FROM HIS JACKET POCKET AND THROWS IT IN THE HOLE.

ELAINE

What was that?

KRAMER

The Express Written Consent of Major

League Baseball. George had it

under his pillow at home.

KRAMER STARTS TO FILL THE HOLE WITH DIRT.

KRAMER

So Jackie has gotcha covered huh?

ELAINE

I don't know... He says we have

it made... Hey Kramer, do you think

that if the state locks an innocent

person up, they are in debt... I

mean say if they wrongly imprisoned

someone for 50 years, shouldn't they

have to then let some people go before

their time is up to make up for it?

KRAMER

I don't know... I think the person

who got locked up by mistake would

just sue them for a few million.

ELAINE

Ohhh. So the state can just buy

their way out huh? That's what

you think is fair?! (GRITS TEETH

AND SHOVES KRAMER)

SUDDENLY THE BEAMS OF A DOZEN HIGH INTENSITY FLASHLIGHTS ILLUMINATE KRAMER AND ELAINE. WE SEE A GROUP OF ARMED MEN IN BULLET PROOF VESTS, WHICH READ "FBI SPORTS CRIMES DIVISION".

FBI AGENT

Freeze!

CUT TO:

SCENE LL

INT. UNITED NATIONS TRIBUNAL - NIGHT

JERRY, ELAINE, KRAMER, AND GEORGE STAND BEFORE A COURT OF INTERNATIONAL JUDGES. BEHIND THEM WE SEE ROW AFTER ROW OF INJURED AND MAIMED SCANDINAVIANS. SOME ARE HEAVILY BANDAGED, SOME IN FULL BODY CASTS, WHEEL CHAIRS PREDOMINATE.

JUDGE #1

This being the first conviction

of its kind, the court deliberated

at great length as to the proper

and appropriate punishment. It

was not an easy task.

ANOTHER JUDGE SPEAKS UP.

JUDGE #2

I can speak for this entire body,

when I express my shock at this

act, the first ever recorded

international athletic atrocity.

JUDGE #1

Even while confined behind bars

you willingly formed an organized

criminal conspiracy which exported

a dangerous and completely

reckless mutation of the sport

of baseball.

JUDGE #2

During the wild baseball craze

that you unleashed like a virus,

Scandinavian athletic fields

became a hazard to human life

and limb on a level not seen

since the very earliest days

of the Industrial Revolution.

A THIRD JUDGE CLEARS HIS THROAT.

JUDGE #3

The menace you present as a criminal

faction is clearly a global one.

We can only guess at the ultimate

goal of your Scandinavian activities.

... Perhaps the first moves in a

scheme to manipulate and profit

on the international medical

commodities market. Perhaps even

darker designs. We can't know.

JUDGE #2

You have proven yourselves to be

a severe threat to all mankind,

not just American Civilization.

JUDGE #1

Your sentence shall be as follows...

(READING) It is the decision of

the special international tribunal,

that you be banned completely from

planet earth's land masses, bodies

of water and atmosphere. Special

arrangements have been made. The

sentence shall run for the natural

duration of your lives. You are

hereby exiled from the human race.

JERRY

They're throwing us off the planet!?

CUT TO:

SCENE MM

INT. UNITED NATIONS PRESS CONFERENCE - NIGHT

A LARGE NUMBER OF PRESS ARE GATHERED, LISTENING TO A NASA SPOKESMAN AND A U.N. SPOKESMAN- BOTH MODEL SONS OF THE BUREAUCRACY.

U.N. MAN

...And so the sentence was

decided on the basis of

the international character

of the space station, given

the international nature of

the crime.

REPORTER #1

Is this the first exile by the

world's nations since Napoleon?

U.N.SPOKESMAN

I don't have anything on that...

Yes, next question. (HE POINTS

OUT A REPORTER)

WE SEE JERRY'S PARENTS, GEORGE'S PARENTS, ELAINE'S FATHER, AND VARIOUS OTHER FRIENDS AND RELATIVES. ALL WEEP.

REPORTER #2

As the first prisoners in space,

will the four convicts not suffer

severe disability due to the

lack of gravity in the long term?

NASA SPOKESMAN

Not entirely, there have been some

new advances in that area...

So that's essentially improbable

to the extent it's foreseeable.

Next question...

REPORTER #3

Will the extra-terrestrials be

working side-by-side with

the international astronauts

who will be visiting the station?

NASA SPOKESMAN

Only in a manual-menial labor

related capacity...

REPORTER #4

What about mail, and other forms

of contact with home? How much

will they be allowed?

SPOKESMAN

This is the United Nations/NASA Exile

Press Conference. The Red Cross

Humanitarian Relief to Orbital

Prison Colonists Project Press Conference

is in an hour at their headquarters...

AN AIDE WHISPERS TO THE SPOKESMAN

SPOKESMAN

Now if there are no further questions,

(DRAMATICALLY) I give you the...

People... (AT A LOSS FOR WORDS) who...

now have... To live outside of earth.

JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE AND KRAMER ARE LED IN AND SIT DOWN AT A LONG TABLE. IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THE SCENE IN THE "RIGHT STUFF", WHEN THE MERCURY ASTRONAUTS ARE INTRODUCED.

JERRY AND THE OTHERS ARE SILENT AND UNEASY AS QUESTIONS FLY AT THEM AND CAMERA FLASHES GO OFF.

FINALLY KRAMER PULLS THE MICROPHONE OVER WITH HIS CUFFED HANDS, AND SPEAKS TENTATIVELY.

KRAMER

I don't think they're doing anything

new to us here. Just the same thing

they may keep doing over and over

again...

CUT TO:

SCENE NN

INT. UNITED NATIONS HEADQUARTERS - DAY

KRAMER IN HIS UN DETENTION CELL.

NEWMAN IS VISITING.

KRAMER

Hey Newman, is Old Charlie still

down in Maryland working on cars

for the Secret Service?

NEWMAN

As far as I know- why?

KRAMER

What's the number down there?

NEWMAN GRABS THE RECEIVER OFF THE PAYPHONE BOLTED TO THE CELL WALL AND DIALS FROM MEMORY FOR KRAMER.

NEWMAN

(HANDING PHONE TO KRAMER) Ask to

be connected to Special Federal Information.

Then ask for the White House Garage.

CUT TO:

AN AUTOMECHANIC ANSWERS HIS PHONE- CHARLIE. HE WEARS AN OLD CAP WHICH READS VMF-214. BEHIND HIM MEN ARE HARD AT WORK ON BLACK LIMOSINES WHICH WEAR THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL ON THEIR DOORS.

INTERCUT: KRAMER'S CELL/WHITE HOUSE GARAGE

KRAMER

Charlie! Listen, how ya doin'

old buddy!

CHARLIE

Fine Kramer. Guess you're all

over the papers these days huh?

KRAMER

Guess so... Listen, I need

a little favor. I takin' a

big trip pretty quick here...

CHARLIE

Heard about that.

KRAMER

Right. So listen. Do you think

you could get me some of those

bullet proof windshields you

boys have lyin' around all over

down there?

CHARLIE

Huh?

KRAMER

Charlie...

CHARLIE

Okay Kramer, what do you need?

KRAMER

I'm gonna need about fifteen

of them.

CHARLIE

That's a lot of shields Kramer.

KRAMER

Right. And listen- not the

lightweight... I need all

heavy duty- those new ones

they designed to withstand everything

up to a flame thrower attack.

CHARLIE

Kramer, I can't let any of

those out of here.

KRAMER

You know Charles, I still

possess the deed to a certain

retreat in the Caymans you may

know of... I'm still trying to

decide how to dispose of her

before I depart planet earth.

CHARLIE

Okay Kramer. Plus a case of

Scotch... Need an address for

you.

KRAMER

(SMILING INTO A CHUCKLE) Charlie...

Just send them to Kramer, United

Nations Headquarters, New York.

I've got the boys watchin' for 'em.

CUT TO:

SCENE PP

INT. UNITED NATIONS BUILDING - DAY

LETTER ARE SUPERIMPOSED ACROSS THE SCENE EXACTLY AS IN THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER: SUPER: UNITED NATIONS PARKING GARAGE, PRISONER ARTS AND CRAFTS AREA

KRAMER HARD AT WORK: OPEN CRATES MARKED WHITE HOUSE GARAGE SURROUND HIM.

HE IS RIVETING THE BULLETPROOF WINDSHIELDS INTO THE SHAPE OF A LARGE TRANSPARENT CONTAINER.

AN OFFICIAL U.N. CAR SQUEALS AROUND THE CORNER AND ALMOST HITS HIM.

KRAMER

(SHOUTING) Wrong section pal!

See that!

KRAMER WHIPS A RIVET AT A SIGN WHICH READS "PRISONER ARTS AND CRAFTS AREA, UNITED NATIONS"

SFX: A LOUD BANGING CLANG AS THE RIVET HITS THE METAL SIGN.

CUT TO:

SCENE RR

EXT. SPACE SHUTTLE LAUNCH PAD - DAY

	JERRY, ELAINE, KRAMER, AND GEORGE IN SPACE SUITS
	HEADING TO BOARD THE SHUTTLE.

GEORGE IS THE ONLY ONE CUFFED AND IN LEG IRONS.

JERRY

(TO GEORGE) I told ya not

to ask so many questions...

These silent space flight types

don't know what to make of a lot

of talk. I knew they were gonna

think you were planning an escape.

GEORGE

(WHINING) I was genuinely curious.

	JERRY GLANCES OVER TOWARD COSMO KRAMER.
	HIS ATTENTION IS DRAWN TO THE INSIDE OF
	THE HELMET COSMO HOLDS.  HE REACHES IN AND
	PULLS OUT A PAIR OF OVEN MITS.

JERRY

What the hell are these...

oven mits?

KRAMER

Space glove faiure Jerry.

My friend Bob Sacamano read that

that the number one equipment

failure NASA doesn't want the

public to know about is space

glove failure.

KRAMER STOPS HALFWAY UP THE RAMP AND STARTS TO RIG A ROPE UP.

KRAMER

This is it for me.

JERRY

Now what the hell?

KRAMER NOW LACES THE ROPE INTO A HARNESS BUILT INTO HIS SPACE SUIT AND SWINGS OUT OFF THE RAMP.

WE PULL BACK TO SEE A TRANSPARENT BUBBLE ON ONE OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE'S WINGS. A CREW IS JUST FINISHING AFFIXING IT INTO PLACE. IT IS COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT, EXCEPT FOR LARGE RED LETTERING THAT READS COSMO POD.

KRAMER

(TO JERRY) Come with Jerome!

I've got room for one more...

You're not gonna see anything

from inside there.

JERRY DECLINES WITH A WAVE.

JERRY

How did you arrange this?!

KRAMER

Come on Jerry... It's me...

	COSMO PUSHES OFF WITH HIS LEGS,  AND RAPPELS DOWN
	TO HIS POD.

CUT TO:

SCENE TT

EXT. SPACE SHUTTLE - DAY

LONG SHOT: THE SPACE SHUTTLE BLASTING OFF.

SFX: VO: COSMO KRAMER'S UNMISTAKEABLE SCREAM OF JOY.

CUT TO:

SCENE VV

INT. SPACE SHUTTLE/INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION - NIGHT

THE SPACE SHUTTLE DOCKED WITH THE SPACE STATION.

MUSIC OVER THROUGHOUT: BASIE AND THE KC7

JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE FLOAT WEIGHTLESS.

	THEY ARE DELIGHTED WITH THE EXCEPTION OF GEORGE,
	WHO IS IN PANIC MODE.

SFX: A KNOCK AT THE HATCH.

	JERRY OPENS THE HATCH AIRLOCK AND ADMITS KRAMER WHO
	HAS JUST SPACE WALKED UP FROM HIS "COSMO POD"

	ELAINE SHOOTS RED KOOLAID IN A FLAT TRAJECTORY
	STRAIGHT INTO KRAMER'S MOUTH.

JERRY POPS OPEN A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.

JERRY

Come one George! Look at that

view! Just think, now you are

in the most complete work free

environment imaginable. I ask for

the remote- you just float it over

to me! Your old enemy gravity is

nowhere around!

GEORGE

(TERRIFIED) Do you hear leaking?!

I hear leaking! I think we're

leaking!

JERRY LAUGHS AND SENDS ELAINE SOME CHAMPAGNE.

CUT TO:

SCENE XX

EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT: NORWEGIAN MISSILE SUBMARINE CUT TO:

INT. SUBMARINE

	THE NORWEGIAN NAVAL COMMANDER STANDS ON THE
	BRIDGE.  NEXT TO HIM IS HIS DOG-  NOW STUFFED
	HAVING BEEN KILLED BY IMPORTED BASEBALL.

	A SCREEN PLOTS THE POSITION OF SATELLITES AND
	OTHER SPACE VEHICLES.

	THE CAPTAIN IS MAKING SOME PRECISE CALCULATIONS
	AND CONFERRING WITH A SAILOR.

CAPTAIN

You are sure these are the

precise coordinates for the

International Space Station?

SAILOR

Yes Captain, but don't you

realize that this course for the

test missile will cause it to

collide with the space station

when it arcs to reenter the

atmosphere?

CAPTAIN

(GRUFFLY) Who is the Captain

and who is the sailor?!

Plus don't you think that

was more than a little on the

nose?! Get off my bridge!

THE SAILOR LEAVES THE BRIDGE HURRIEDLY.

	LAUGHING MANIACALLY,  THE CAPTAIN TURNS THE
	MISSILE LAUNCH KEY.

(CUT TO EXT. SHOT OF ICBM LAUNCHING FROM SUB.)

CUT TO:

SCENE XXX

INT. THE SPACE SHUTTLE/INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION - SPACE

SHUTTLE COMMANDER

(TO KRAMER) Get off my bridge!

	KRAMER JERKS AND JOLTS AND FLOATS BACK AWAY FROM THE
	COMMANDER AND OFF THE BRIDGE.

HE JOINS JERRY WHO GAZES OUT A WINDOW.

JERRY

What is that?!

	HEARING HIS TONE,  TWO ASTRONAUTS JOIN JERRY AND KRAMER
	AT THE WINDOWS.  WE CAN SEE THEY WATCH A GLOWING
	OBJECT CLOSING WITH THE SHUTTLE.

ASTRONAUT #1

This isn't on the schedule...

KRAMER

Probably a surprise of some sort...

To reward you guys, or maybe to

keep you on your toes...

ASTRONAUT #2

This is lookin' very bad.

Not good, not good.

THE COMMANDER FLOATS BACK TO LOOK.

COMMANDER

Better call home.

ASTRONAUT #1

(INTO RADIO) Houston...

MISSION CONTROL

(VO -FILTERED) Ah... negative ...

This is Dallas. What is it?

A problem?

ASTRONAUT

I'm not gonna say that... But

certainly we've got a question

for consideration, inquiry,

and probably demanding a solution...

Possibly best described as a mystery,

and very likely an increasing source

of perplexity, distress and vexation.

ASTRONAUT #2

(INTO HIS RADIO) Definitely an intricate

unsettled question developing NASA...

KRAMER

Man that evil glow just started

getting real big now- real fast...

SHUTTLE COMMANDER

Looks like your stint as prison

system pioneers is gonna be a

short one.

THIS SENDS GEORGE, WHO HAS JUST FLOATED OVER INTO COMPLETE PANIC.

GEORGE

Don't you people have some kind

of life boat system for this thing?!

ASTRONAUT #2

What did we tell you about asking

questions Mr. Costanza?

KRAMER

I knew I should have put a propulsion

system in on the Cosmo Pod.

JERRY COOLY GAZES OUT INTO SPACE.

JERRY

Looks like this is gonna be a shame.

CUT TO:

SCENE XXXX

EXT. THE NEW YORK STREET - NIGHT

	A BRIGHT, STREAKING DISPLAY IN THE NIGHT SKY
	ABOVE NEW YORK CITY.

FDR WISHING WITH ALL HIS MIGHT.

THE END