Dear Santa, I would like the following items for Festivus:
A space pen (it writes in water and upside down, good for those middle of the night ideas) Some Cubans (preferably cigars not people). Nothing beats the musty smell of a Cuban(also the cigar not people). A puffy shirt (I want to be a pirate) A man-fur (I'm also a bit of a dandy, a real fancy boy. Besides, it goes well with my European carry-all. It's not a purse, it's European!) 8-ball jacket (Will I get this? All signs point to Yes!) A man-siere, no, it's called a bro, no man-siere! (for that top-floor extra baggage) A Jesus fish ( my bossy girlfriend stole my last one and I don't want to go to hell, because with the scorching heat and ragged clothes it would be rough) An air conditioner (preferably a commando 8, because you just plug it in and it does all the rest; 12,000 BTU's of raw cooling power!) A Gatsby-swing top (for my friend Stan-the-caddy's girlfriend, she loves its free swinging style, plus it makes getting last minute tables at restaurants a cinch)
A slice of wedding cake from the wedding of Edward VIII (the most dashing Royal family Nazi sympathizer) and Mrs. Wallace Simpson. And don't fall for the oldest baker's grift on the books: the Entemanns shim-sham. A marble rye (from Shnitzers) A bobka (chocolate's my first choice but cinnamon's ok too, it's not a lesser bobka) A black & white cookie (I'm writing a treatise on race relations. It's titled "Look to the Cookie!" A box of assorted candy bars: Twix (for my friend George) Mounds (for me. I can't have Twix, I'm allergic to coconut.) Clark Bar Junior Mints (they're bite size, chocolate, peppermint . . . delicious. . . very refreshing who could turn one down? They're perfect for the operation I'll be attending.) Jujee Fruits (just the thing for that cab ride to the emergency room) O Henry Bar (delicious, scrumptious, outstanding!) Drake's Coffee Cake (love the Drake! or do I hate the Drake?) A baker's dozen of muffin tops, absolutely no stumps (top of the mornin . . TO YOU!) Gift Certificates to the following restaurants: Monk's Coffee Shop (I loooove this place. It seems my favorite booth is always open) Mindy's (the duck there is the best. The Best! or maybe I'll just have soup) Arby's (yeah that's right, it feels like an Arby's night) Kenny Roger's Chicken (my college buddy works there and he cooks a mean bird. But no broccoli.) Non-Fat Frozen Yogurt (the fuckin' good kind you little piece of shit) Wedding Invitations (the cheapest ones you can find) A meat slicer (so my meat can be all surface area, that way the flavor has no where to hide) A house for a weekend in Tuscany (if you're lucky enough to find one, it should cost about 1 million lira/ 1500 American) A label maker (one that works, and please no re-gifting) Super Bowl tickets with a downtown hotel reservation, right downtown.(and no de-gifting either!) Tickets to "Rochelle! Rochelle!" the movie (a young woman's erotic journey from Milan to Minsk) Tickets to "[address]!" the play (please be sure that Bette Midler is playing the role of Rochelle. I don't like understudies. They're a shifty bunch, the substitute teachers of the theater.) "Rochelle! Rochelle!" the video (it's ok if you just rent this, I promise I won't return it late or lose it.) A Frogger video arcade machine (because I'll never have children). Shlomo and Slippery Pete can help you deliver it, but watch out for the Lopper (or is it the Denoginator? or Son-of-Dad?) A signed poster of my favorite of the Three Tenors: Jesus Ferrari (it's ok if those two other guys are on it) A Saab: black, convertible (and get the insider's deal, no undercoat!) A Cadillac (for my father. Screw Clompus!) A Chrysler LeBaron: convertible, formerly owned by John Voigt. (It'd be nice if you could also throw in Barbara Mandrel's skateboard and Gregory Peck's bicycle.) The following pasta sculptures: Fusili Jerry (because he's silly) Ravioli George (he's short, stocky and bald) Macaroni Midler (alliteration?) Some triangle art from my fat-starving-artist friend who's having a spleenectomy (It'll be my first time watching the operation, so don't tell me how it ends) A signed, first-edition copy of Tolstoy's classic "War, What Is It Good For?" All things Farbman (especially a dresser, I have some Japanese friends coming to visit me in January) And lastly, a huge donation to the Human Fund: Money for People!
May You Have A Festivus Miracle!
P.S. There'll be a glass of milk with Bosco by the aluminum pole for you.