Scott seems to be on leave, so I'll do the honors.
============================================================================ Episode #??? -- "The Health Club" [?] Originally Aired: Thursday, ?? ??, 19??, 9:30PM ============================================================================
[title credits] Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld [as Jerry Seinfeld (no kidding)]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus [as Elaine Benes]
Michael Richards [as Kramer]
and Jason Alexander as George [Constanza] Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles
Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones
Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sheinman% Opening monologue.
Jerry: I don't belong to a health club. I have a strict limit on the number of naked men I need to see in one day.
Zero.
That's it.
What is with the high level of security guards at
the health club? You know what I mean? The picture ID,
the security guard, people signing in and out?
What is this, the Kremlin? I mean, the people that *have* a membership go twice a year.
Who's breaking in?Is this a big problem, people stealing exercise?
And what if they catch the person, what then?
They run. It's aerobic.Makes it even worse.
% [Monologue: 32 seconds]
[opening credits]
Created By ................... Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
Written By ................... Peter Mehlman
Directed By .................. Tom Cherones% The health club. Jerry comes in; an attractive woman is stair-mastering % up a storm.
Sidra: Hi, Jerry. Jerry: Oh, hi, Sidra.
% Ah. Her name is Sidra.
Jerry: I can usually do that for about ten minutes on the Stair Master.
Unless, of course, there's someone in stretching in
front of me in a leotard. Then I can go an hour.Jerry: That's why they call it the Stair-Master. You get up there and you stare.
% Sidra leaves to take a sauna, and Jerry confirms his date with her % for Thursday night. Elaine comes in, sees Sidra, and smirks at Jerry.
Elaine: Good workout? Jerry: Tremendous workout. Elaine: It's a pretty girl. Jerry: Tremendous girl.
% I still don't get this. Guys can't call women girls; they're women. % But women can call other women girls. And, of course, either gender % is permitted to call men idiots. Jerry smartly follows the proper % protocol by letting a woman (Elaine) use the term first.
Elaine: She's the one you went out with last night? Jerry: Yeah. I really like her. Elaine: You know... Uh... They're fake.
% Elaine gives Jerry one of her superiority smiles and slowly walks % away. She really enjoyed doing that.
Jerry: What? Don't say that? Elaine: No! They're fake! Jerry: How do *you* know? Elaine: I can tell. You know how you're always bragging that you can spot a lesbian? Jerry: I'm not bragging. I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye.
% A woman in a black outfit walks past.
Jerry: [to woman] Hi, hiya doin'.
% One she's past, Jerry gives Elaine one of those "Yup" looks.
Elaine: Oh, brother.
Come on, don't you think they seem just a bit too perfect?
Jerry: Yes, they do.
Elaine: I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man.
Jerry: A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs.
I *have* legs.% Jerry makes an interesting point.
Jerry: Have you ever seen her naked in the locker room? Elaine: No. Jerry: Well, then I can't accept your testimony. Maybe if you've seen her naked. Elaine: I don't want to see her naked. Jerry: Well, IIIII do. Elaine: Well, that's youuuuuuur problem.
% Elaine suggests Jerry just wait a few dates and find out for himself.
Jerry: Look at George. He's on his ninth date with Betsy; he still
hasn't gotten anywhere with her.
Elaine: What's *his* problem?
Jerry: Every time he tries to make a move, something screws up.
Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was
sitting on his wrong side.
Elaine: Wrong side!?
Jerry: Yes, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with
his left hand. Can't go left.
Elaine: He can't go left?
Jerry: No. I'm lefty, can't go right.
What about women, do they go left or right?
Elaine: No, we just play defense.% So much for sports metaphors. Jerry's description and arm motions % don't quite match up, though. But the point is clear. % % At Betsy's apartment, George and she head for the couch. Betsy takes % the right-most spot, despite George's leaping dive to snag that % treasured spot. The two sit. The silence is deafening. George takes % his left hand, tries to place it on Betsy's shoulder, but realizes % it just isn't going to work and gives up.
George: Would you mind switching seats? Betsy: Actually, I really prefer to sit here. I don't hear very well out of this ear.
% Just his luck. George dates a girl who sits on his wrong side for % medical reasons. George cajoles Betsy into reconsidering by grabbing % her and tossing her to the other side of the couch. George claims % his prize: He's on the right side.
George: Now, is that so bad? Betsy: [genuinely not hearing him] What?
% The phone rings, and Betsy wants to answer it.
Betsy: What if it's an emergency?
George: In the whole world, there's maybe three emergencies.
Why would you think that on this entire planet, that you're
one of those three.% Betsy answers the phone.
Betsy: Hello. ...
What!? ...
Oh, my God!
George: [resigned] All right, maybe four.% Back at the health club, Elaine is in the sauna. She looks at Sidra % and thinks to herself how sure she is that the breasts are fake. Sidra % removes her towel and lies down in full view of Elaine.
Elaine: [thinking] Whoa, Doctor! That's it. I knew it, I knew it! Definitely fake.
% Meanwhile, at Betsy's apartment...
Betsy: So, when's the funeral?
% As Betsy continues to talk on the phone, George tries to make the entire % affair seem trivial. He makes the sign of the cross, then makes one of % those ``Ah, don't worry about it'' gestures.
Betsy: I'll fly home as soon as I can.
% George waves good-bye, then mimes an airplane's take-off. Once Betsy % is of the phone, George puts on his ``Mr. Sincere'' face. % % Jerry and Elaine reconnoiter at his apartment.
Jerry: You sure?
Elaine: Positive. This chick's playing with Confederate money.
Jerry: Well, then that's it. That's the end of that.
Elaine: What? Just 'cause of *that*?
Jerry: ``Just 'cause of *that*?''
It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat!
Elaine: Oh, please...
You've dated women with nose jobs.
What's the difference?
Jerry: You don't touch the nose.
You don't aspire to reach the nose.
You don't unhook anything to get to a nose.
And no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril.
Elaine: You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you.
Jerry: Well, I take it very seriously.
Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest
man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more
out of the pool.% Enter Kramer, accompanied by applause from the studio audience. % (If there is one. Maybe it's canned. How can I tell?)
Jerry: You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breasts feel like. Kramer: Well, *I* know what they feel like.
% Why am I not surprised that Kramer said that? Elaine helps herself % to a glass of milk while Kramer talks about how he misses the warm % weather of Los Angeles.
Kramer: You know who I saw at the health club?
Salman Rushdie.
Elaine: Yeah, right. Salman Rushdie.
Well, I can see that.
You got five million Moslems after you,
you wanna stay in pretty good shape.% The men's sauna at the health club. Jerry, Kramer, and George.
George: I know what the problem is. I like her too much, that's why I can't make a move. Jerry: You put her on a pedestal. Kramer: I put them on a dental chair.
% That makes absolutely no sense, which is why it's so funny.
George: I'm not her boyfriend. I want to be her boyfriend. Kramer: Whoo, it's like a sauna in here.
% George isn't sure if he should attend the funeral.
Jerry: Are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to
advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm
around her, you console her. You're the consolation guy!
George: I'm the consolation guy?
Kramer: The consolation guy is big.
Jerry: Her aunt dying is the best thing that could ever happen to you.
Kramer: It's like ten dates in one shot.
Jerry: This confers upon you instant boyfriend status.
The family's there, you're taking care of things,
you're getting the sandwiches. You're the rock!% George is concerned that the funeral is in Detroit. Kramer suggests % he get a half-price Death-In-The-Family fare. In fact, Kramer offers % to split the cost of the ticket with George so he can claim the bonus % mileage. % % Meanwhile, Elaine is in the women's sauna. Sidra comes in.
Elaine: [thinking] Ah, look who's here. Silicon Valley.
% Sidra tells her friend that her date cancelled. Elaine joins the % conversation.
Elaine: Did he give you a reason?
Sidra: Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.
Elaine: Really?
Sidra: He said she's mentally ill.
He's one of those guys obsessed with neatness and order.
Everything has to be just so.
He would've made a great Nazi.% Elaine clearly has the upper hand in this conversation, as the two % discuss Jerry's quirks. Sidra removes her towel as she introduces % herself.
Sidra: My name's Sidra. This is Marcy. Elaine: Hi. I'm Elaine.
% Elaine gets up to shake hands, but trips and falls headlong into Sidra. % A look of horror flashes across Sidra's face as Elaine approaches... % % [End of Act One. Time: 8:57] % % Jerry is too distracted by Elaine's story to eat his bowl of cereal.
Elaine: I stood up to shake her hand, and suddenly I lost my balance.
And I fell right into her.
Jerry: You fell on her!?
Elaine: [reluctantly] I touched them.
Jerry: You what!?!
Elaine: I... [she grabs two imaginary melons] touched... them...
Jerry: *YOU* touched them?
E; I needed something to break my fall!
If it hadn't been for them, I could've really injured myself!% Does that mean they can get a Boy Scout medal of bravery or something? % Jerry is completely shocked.
Elaine: Anyway... They're real. Jerry: EXCUSE ME?!? Elaine: I think they might be real. Jerry: Oh, what do you know; you have no breast-touching experience! Elaine: I've touched *mine*. Jerry: [sing-song] So have *I*. Elaine: [a beat] Oh, right. I forgot.
% Jerry gives her one of those "Oh, very funny" smirks as he takes his % bowl to the sink. Elaine skips along behind him genuinely enjoying % the ordeal she's putting him through.
Jerry: Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert.
% One wonders if Jerry is going to volunteer his own credentials.
Elaine: All right, well anyway, I think they're real. And if they are, I must say, they are... SPECTACULAR.
% Jerry puts his head on the counter in agony. % % George and Kramer are at the Atlantic Northern counter at the airport. % They talk to a Julie Hagerty-esque clerk. Kramer plays the distraught % nephew as George hammers out the purchasing details. But he didn't % plan for the snag.
Clerk #1: All you have to do is pay the full fare now, then
return to any of our counters with a copy of the death
certificate and we'll refund half your fare.% Elaine enjoys a bowl of cereal.
Jerry: I don't know. One minute you're sure they're fake.
The next minute you think they're real. I don't know what to believe.
Elaine: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's touched them.
Jerry: But you were just grabbing onto them to save your life.
If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver,
do you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable?Elaine: I wouldn't'a said anything if I knew you would stop seeing her.
Jerry: [apologetically]
Well, I don't mind somebody with a phony personality,
but I gotta draw the line *somewhere*.% Kramer enters. George is on his way to Detroit, and Kramer brandishes % his own plane tickets to Puerto Rico. % % Kramer and Jerry arrive at the health club.
Jerry: There's Sidra. Kramer: There's Salman. Jerry: Where. Kramer: Talking to that woman. Jerry: Talking to Sidra? Kramer: If that's Sidra, she's talking to Salman. Jerry: I don't think that's Salman. Kramer: Well, I don't think they're real. Jerry: If that's Rushdie they're real. Kramer: If they're real, that's Rushdie. Jerry: Well I gotta know. I'm talking to Sidra. Kramer: Well I gotta know. I'm talking to Salman.
% Kramer shares a sauna with "Salman".
Kramer: Boy, it's like a sauna in here.
% Kramer tries to pry information out of "Salman", who introduces himself % as "Salbas", a writer. % % Betsy introduces "my boyfriend George" to Aunt May, Father Jessup, and % her brother Timmy. Timmy eyes George suspiciously.
May: George, how so nice of you to come all this way.
George: Well, I'm "the boyfriend".
Otherwise, what's the point of being the boyfriend?
This is where you have to be when you're the boy-friend.% George does his boyfriend duty of getting sandwiches for Betsy. George % chats with Father Jessup (and helps himself to the sandwiches quite % generously).
Jessup: You seem to be a great comfort to Betsy. We're very appreciative. George: Oh, comfort shmomfort.
% George also asks where he can get the death certificate. % % Jerry and Kramer return home from the health club.
Kramer: Jerry, are you blind!?
He's a writer.
He said his name was "Salbas".
"Bass", Jerry.
Instead of salmon, he went with bass!
He just substituted one fish for another!
Jerry: Look, you idiot.
First of all, it's Salman, not salmon.% Jerry doesn't get around to the second of all.
Jerry: Sidra's coming over in a few minutes, so if you don't mind. Kramer: Did you... ask her? Jerry: I'll find out tonight. Kramer: [lasciviously] Ooh, yes...
% In Detroit, George talks to the doctor and explains that he'd like to % put a copy of the death certificate in a scrapbook he's composed of % his life with Betsy. The doctor agrees, and George helps himself to % some chips and dip. But he does something that catches Timmy's eye.
Timmy: What are you doing? George: What? Timmy: Did... Did you just double-dip that chip? George: Excuse me? Timmy: You double-dipped a chip! George: Double-dipped? What are you talking about? Timmy: You dipped a chip, you took a bite... and you dipped again. George: So? Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it.
% When in Rome, George. Timmy's got the home court advantage. Yeah, % like he's going to listen to me.
George: Well, I'm sorry, "Timmy".
But I don't dip that way.
Timmy: Oh, you don't huh?
George: No. [takes a chip]
You dip the way you want to dip. [dips it and takes a bite]
I'll dip the way I want to dip. [dips again]
Timmy: Gimme the chip!% A struggle ensues over the chip. % % Sidra still can't believe she agreed to see Jerry again. She heads % for the couch, and before Jerry can rush over there, she takes the % leftmost seat. Curses, foiled again.
Jerry: Hey, would you mind switching seats? Sidra: Why? Jerry: Oh, I dunno, I just like sitting to the left of people. Makes me feel like I'm driving.
% Interesting excuse. Sidra agrees to switch seats. Another pause.
Jerry: You know, that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts.
% A topic right out of the blue.
Jerry: Really big, huge. Just, coming out the top of her dress. They were like choking her. Sidra: I hear that's how she died.
Jerry: Have you noticed that women today, well, you know, they seem bigger. Sidra: Well, a lot of women are having them done. Jerry: Really. Sidra: Yeah. Jerry: How do you like that. Sidra: A lot of people ask me if I've had mine done. Jerry: [scoffing] Oh, you know people... Sidra: It gets a little tiring. It's really none of their business. Jerry: Oh, the nerve...
% Hint hint, Jerry. But he's definitely fixated. Can't shake 'em.
Jerry: You know, some people have asked me if you've done that. Sidra: What do you tell them? Jerry: Whatever you want me to tell them? Sidra: Well, I think you'll find out soon enough.
% The two move closer together, but are interrupted by a loud crash % against Jerry's door. Guess who.
Sidra: Aren't you going to get that? Jerry: No. Sidra: What if it's an emergency. Jerry: Oh, it's no emergency. Kramer: [through the door] Jerry, come on, it's an emergency!
% Reluctantly, Jerry pulls himself off Sidra to get the door.
Kramer: I need to borrow your bathing suit. Jerry: This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit? Kramer: Well, I like yours. Jerry: I dunno. My bathing suit? That's a little familiar. I, I don't want your boys down there...
% Sidra can't help overhearing the conversation...
Kramer: What's the matter with my boys? Jerry: Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.
% Jerry gives in. Elaine pops in the door.
Elaine: Hey, Jer. Jerry: Oh, hi, Elaine. Elaine: Oh, hi, Sid...
% Elaine suddenly realizes that she has screwed up big time.
Elaine: ...ra... Sidra: Elaine?
% Kramer returns from Jerry's bedroom with the bathing suit.
Kramer: She was just showing me pictures of places I could visit when I go to Puerto Rico.
% Elaine motions to Kramer to shut up, but you know how effective % that's going to be.
Kramer: You know, when you two went down there?
% Now Jerry is in *really* big trouble, and everybody knows it. % Jerry physically pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door, slamming % it shut behind them.
Jerry: So, where were we? Sidra: I was just leaving. Jerry: Right. You were leaving.
Sidra: I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna do that. Jerry: That was an accident! Sidra: I think you're both mentally ill.
% She leaves, slamming the door behind her. % % Then she returns.
Sidra: And by the way...
They're real.
And they're SPECTACULAR.% George is now on the losing side of an all-out fight.
Betsy: Get out! I never want to see you again! Jessup: Go back to New York!
% At the airport, George, quite disheveled, talks to the ticket clerk.
George: You see, what happened was uh...
The doctor, the very same doctor that was attending my late aunt
suffered an untimely stroke and lost the use of his right hand,
so obviously I was unable to get the death certificate.
However, I do have this.
Clerk #2: What's this?
George: That's a picture of me nect to the coffin.
Clerk #2: Nice try.
George: Not even close, huh?
Clerk #2: No.[closing credits]
Executive Producer ................... Larry David
Executive Producers .................. George Shapiro & Howard West% [End of Act Two. Time: 11:59]
% Closing monologue.
Jerry: The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people today.
Liposuction. Are you familiar with this? this is a fat-sucking
machine. Now, you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way that this
thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just order it
off the menu. Tell you what, gimme the cheesecake, crank it up to nine, and
put a scoop of ice cream on the side.% [Monologue: 19 seconds]
[end credits]
Producer ............................. Jerry Seinfeld
Story Editor ......................... Peter Mehlman
Program Consultants ................... Jon Hayman
Bob Shaw
Program Consultants ................... Bill Masters
Steve Skrovan
Line Producer ......................... Joan Van Horn
Coordinating Producer ................. Tim Kaiser
Associate Producers ................... Suzy Mamann Greenberg
Nancy SprowGuest Starring
Teri Hatcher as Sidra
Megan Mullally as Betsy
Carol Rosenthal as Ticket Clerk #1
Donald Bishop as Dr. AllenwoodAlso Starring
Tony Amendola as Rushdie
Kieran Mulroney as Timmy
Peggy Stewart as Aunt May
Bruce E. Morrow as Father Jessup
Susan Beaubian as Ticket Clerk #2 A WEST/SHAPIRO PRODUCTION
in association with
CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT
Copyright (c) 1993 CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT
Castle Rock Entertainment is the author of this program for
the purpose of copyright and other laws.
All Rights Reserved.[end]
============================================================================ Previous episode references: ============================================================================ ?
============================================================================ Didja Notice... ============================================================================
============================================================================ Net reaction and comments: ============================================================================ Fill in later...
=========================================================================== This episode capsule is intended solely for the private enjoyment of the readers of alt.tv.seinfeld (and others, I suppose) and is provided by Scott Simpson through many life-endangering hours of laborious and grueling compilation and transcription. The quotes contained herein are obviously the property of Castle Rock Entertainment (or Jerry Seinfeld, or someone) and any of the above text should not be used for any commercial purposes without the permission of the owners, lest they track you down and make you squeal like a stuck pig...