Hey, fellow Sein-fans! I produce and star in a campus TV show here at Central Michigan University. It's a sketch comedy show, and we did this great skit I wrote called "Seinfeld of the Lambs." It killed! (Pun intended). We had actors in our cast do impressions of George, Kramer, Jerry (played by me), and Jodie Foster (the role of Clarice from "Silence of the Lambs." Here's the script:
(open close-up on an intercom, a female finger pushes the button, seconds pass)
Jerry: (muffled over intercom) Yeah!? (zoom out to Clarice by speaker) Clarice: Mr. Seinfeld, my name is Clarice. I'm with the FBI. I have some questions about a serial killer. Jerry: (over intercom) C'mon up!
(fade to "Seinfeld of the Lambs" graphic with accompanying Seinfeld theme. Dissolve to Clarice walking down hallway of jail. George is behind bars and stops her.)
George: Hi, there. So, uh, you here to talk to me?
Clarice: I'm here to talk to Mr. Seinfeld. I'd like to ask him some questions
about a serial killer.
George: (his face against the bars) Ya know, I can smell your feet! (Clarice
is offended and leaves. George calls after her) What? You can't talk
to me? I don't know about serial killers? I don't know about mass
murderers? I know about mass murderers, baby! Ya know, we're living
in a society here!(Clarice walks down hall. Stops at Jerry--who is behind glass. She sees him standing profile supposedly picking his nose. He notices her as she looks disgusted.)
Jerry: What?! What're you looking at?! No, it was a scratch--not a pick! I
did not pick! There was no pick!
Clarice: Mr. Seinfeld, I'm here on important federal business. I need to ask
you some questions about a serial killer.
Jerry: Cereal killer? Why would I know anything about a cereal killer? I
love cereal! As a matter of fact I was just about to have a bowl right
now. (picks up bowl and box) See? Granola! And look, it's got me on
the box! (It DOES! It's the special Kellogg's Granola box with him on
it.)
Clarice: Mr. Seinfeld, all the victims' autopsies show that they all have one
thing in common: A junior mint lodged in their throats.
Jerry: Candy in the throat? That's great! It's like a human Pez dispenser!
Clarice: Mr. Seinfeld, can you tell me anything?!
Jerry: I don't know anything! They keep me behind this glass bubble all the
day! I'm a bubble boy!
Clarice: Do you know Joel Rifkin?
Jerry: (eating cereal) Joel? Yeah, I know him. Not that there's anything
wrong with that. Yeah, he came over to eat one day. I had a chocolate
bobka with a nice Snapple. (Raises upper lip to expose front teeth)
Yes, yes. But enough about me. Clarice, what is the deal with the
lambs?
Clarice: (breaking into crying hysterics) They were screaming! Every night
I heard them screaming! One night I tried to grab the precious little
thing and run and run as far as my legs would carry us! But my uncle
found us and dragged us back to the farm! (Continues weeping, calms
down a bit)
Jerry: (giving her a confused look) As...important as I'm sure that is to you,
what I meant was...what is the deal with the female lamb? Why are they
called a ewe? Go up to a lamb, "Hi. What are you?"
--"I'm a ewe."
--"You're a me?"
--"No! I'm a ewe!"
I walked past a flock of sheep and yelled, "Hey, you," and half the flock
turned around and said, "What?"(Clarice gives him a confused look. Jerry continues:) I'd talk with ya some more, Clarice, but I'm having an old friend for dinner.
Kramer: (bursts through door and says to Jerry:) Got any Double Crunch?
(Jerry smiles and raises his cereal bowl. Freeze frame. End theme begins and ends, complete with those popping sounds. Fade to black.)