HOT GOSSIP re Jerry Seinfeld!!!!!

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                      HOT HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP
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Gossip about Matt LeBlanc... OJ Simpson... Princess Di... Heather Locklear... Seinfeld... Tori Spelling... George Clooney.... Gillian Anderson... Leonard Nimoy... Xena

HEATHER LOCKLEAR felt the need to have her chest enlarged not once but TWICE! (Star). Thoughts. 1) That's nice. But if she wanted to keep adjusting her size, why didn't she just leave a little hole where she could insert an air pump?

2) If Heather ever springs a leak, do you think she would walk around dripping silicone?

MATT LEBLANC ("Friends") "caught the eye of a busty young lady in a chic restaurant. And within 15 minutes the pair were headed hand in hand to the ladies room. They spent almost a half an hour alone... before Matt emerged lookming rumpled and disheveled."(Enquirer) Thoughts: 1) Matt must have a great pickup line, to get a complete stranger to sleep with him in less than fifteen minutes of talking. What do you suppose he says? POSSIBLE TOP PICKUP LINES OF MATT LEBLANC:

1) "Hi, I'm Matt LeBlanc, the star of Friends. You're looking very beautiful tonight. Would you like to go to the ladies room with me?"

2) "Hi, I'm Matt LeBlanc, the star of Friends. I'd like to get to know you better, but it's a little crowded in here. Why don't we both go to the ladies room? More private."

3) Matt LeBlanc, Friends. I'd like to get to know you better... why don't we go to the women's bathroom?

4) LeBlanc, Friends. Hey, why don't we go to the ladies room? I'll bet you flush a mean toilet!

• LeBlanc. Friends. Bathroom. Now.

.................................................................................. 2) If you go to a famous Hollywood restaurant and there is a long line to get into the women's bathroom, do you suppose that means that Matt LeBlanc is having a long night?

3) I'm still focused on that time. Seduction in 15 minutes! How long do you suppose it would have taken other stars? a) Brad Pitt--2 minutes b) Sean Connery--4 minutes (9 minutes, w/o toupee) c) Jim Carrey--6 minutes (12 minutes, after "Cable Guy") d) Michael Douglas--8 minutes (only if wife is around-- works best under pressure) e) Madonna--3 minutes (but with guys, 7 minutes)

SEINFELD claims he comes up with his "best material" in the middle of the night so he bought his buxom girlfriend SHOSHONNA a life-sized Jerry doll so she won't get lonely when he gets up at night.(Globe)

Thoughts: 1) If Shoshonna isn't getting his "best material", then who is?

2) When the dummy is substituted for Seinfeld, does Shoshonna notice the difference? Or any reduction in performance?

2) If Seinfeld is worried that his YOUNG YOUNG girlfriend thinks him old and lethargic, how do you think he feels when he returns to the bedroom and finds SHOSHONNA and the dummy looking relaxed and each smoking cigarettes?

X-FILES star DAVID DUCHOVNY is DENYING published reports that he is a "sex addict" and that he is a member of "Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous" a sort of "AA group for sex addicts", although he admits that "staying monogamous requires constant viligence"(Enquirer) Thoughts: 1) Sex and Love Anonymous? Can you imagine? [Michael Douglas, Charlie Sheen, Matt LeBlanc and David Duchovny sitting around in a circle] Moderator: "Michael? Do you have something to say?" Douglas: "Yes... it's been 8 days since I've had anyone... other than my wife." LeBlanc: "One woman in 8 days! I've had 8!" Sheen: "Really? Do you still have their phone numbers?"

2) When people are addicted to smoking they give them a substitute to chew on to wean them off smoking. In this case, do you think they give the addicts women substitutes--Corporal Klinger and RuPaul--to chew on?

3) Now, David said that "staying monogamous requires constant viligence." Do you think if he gets distracted for 10 minutes, he can suddenly focus to find himself in bed with a pretty woman? David: "Oh no, not again!"

TORI SPELLING had a problem; she bought a hot dog, but didn't know how to use the microwave to heat it up.(Globe) Thoughts: 1) What else is Tori unfamiliar with? We're just hypothesizing, but we've made a list: **************************************** THINGS TORI MAY BE UNFAMILIAR WITH 1) A hard day's work 2) the front seat of a car 3) a kitchen 4) a vacuum 5) her natural hair color 6) a standard 9th grade curriculum 8) supermarkets ("Daddy, where does all the food come from that the servants cook with?")

GEORGE CLOONEY paid for NUDE LAP DANCERS at a strip club.(Star) Thoughts: 1) I'm confused. A famous star has to pay for nude women?

2) Do you think it would help if Clooney walked around Rodeo Drive in Hollywood wearing a sandwich board which read, "I'm George Clooney. I'm playing Batman in the next Batman movie. Please, someone, go out with me!"

3) Do you think the lap dancers wore high heels? If so, do you think it could, ahem, hurt when they danced in George's lap?

YOUNG WOMEN camp out on OJ SIMPSON's lawn until they get invited inside.(Enquirer ) Thoughts: 1) I express no astonishment that young women everywhere want to flock to OJ's house to make out with the superstar. Instead, I wonder about the mechanics: Do they just go up to his house, ring the doorbell, and say, "We're available?"

2) Do you suppose that OJ's house is like a foreign embassy, with a long line of women snaking around the block, all waiting for entry visas?

3) Do you suppose that OJ has a hunchback deaf-mute butler answer the door while OJ views the visitor from the window, giving a thumbs up or thumbs down?

LEONARD NIMOY, the actor who played Mr. Spock, says that he TALKS TO SPOCK EVERY DAY!!!(Examiner) Thoughts: 1) What could they be saying to each other? Do you think Nimoy gets self-serving responses?

Nimoy: "Mr. Spock, I want to buy a new car."

Spock: "A Mercedes would be most logical."

Nimoy: "Mr. Spock, I wonder if I should cheapen your image by cashing in on all this Mr. Spock merchandising."

Spock: "The money of the many outweighs the money of the few."

Nimoy: "Mr. Spock, they want to pay me $2 million dollars to appear as Spock, wearing my Vulcan ears and wig, in a porno flick with a donkey and a cow. I really want the money, but in order to possess it...."

Spock: "You will find that wanting and possessing to be different things. Possessing is better."

Nimoy: "Mr. Spock, Bill Shatner has invited himself over for lunch. I feel like hitting him over the head with a wrench while his back is turned. What should I do?"

Spock [raised eyebrow]: "Make sure his back is completely turned."

Gay fans of the show XENA are pressuring execs for XENA to have a LOVE AFFAIR with her sidekick, GABRIELLE!(Globe) Thoughts: 1) Do you think Gabrielle ever asks, "Xena, why do you always invite me to ride on your horse with you and why do you always sit so close in the saddle?"

2) We know that XENA is very protective of Gabrielle, and we also know that XENA has a killer metal frisbee called a "shockram" that she can use to cut off very specific parts of her opponent's body. If a guy came on to Gabrielle and XENA got jealous, do you think she would use her shockram to cut off his-

3) Girl on Girl themes on Xena? I can just see my TV Guide now: 9 PM XENA E. DeGeneres guest stars as a shape changing monster, "Ellenicus", who gets rid of Gabrielle and then impersonates her, seducing Xena so that guys won't follow her anymore.

MADONNA's fathering instrument, CARLOS LEON, has been spotted with at least two other women.(Examiner) Thoughts: 1) Do you think he's free-lancing?

2) If he's going into the fathering business, what sort of a reference do you think he gets from his past employer? Madonna: "He grunts a lot in bed but is very professional, gets the job done quickly."

Prince Charle's mistress CAMILLA PARKER-BOWLES is dressing up in almost the exact same clothes as Princess Di so she will LOOK LIKE DI!!! (Enquirer) Thoughts:

Camilla: "William, Harry, it's me, your mother, Diana."

Prince William: "Check her legs, Harry!"

Prince Harry, grabbing Camilla's legs: "Cellulite! This isn't Mum!"

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                         HOT HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP!!!
          "OVER 7,800 SUBSCRIBERS AND GROWING!!!!"
                      Rated Top 5% by Point Survey
             Three Stars from Internet Underground Magazine
                       [Composite Sample Issue]

HOT GOSSIP about Heather Locklear... Gillian Anderson... Princess Di... Seinfeld... George Clooney... Tiffany Amber-Thiessen... Jennie Garth... OJ Simpson... Madonna... Courteney Cox.... Pamela Anderson... Xena...

At one time, John F. Kennedy Jr. arrived home after a hard day of... whatever he does, to find MADONNA wrapped in NOTHING but plastic wrap.(Star) Thoughts: 1) If he put her in the fridge for later, would Madonna spoil? 2) Do you think JFK Jr has a kitchen cabinet where he keeps all his admiring women for later snacks?

COURTENEY COX has a psychic named SHOOSHAN, who told her her to break up with MICHAEL KEATON, and COURTENEY OBEYED!!! (Examiner). Thoughts: 1) What else could the psychic get Courteney to do? Rather than leave it to the imagination, we've compiled a purely hypothetical list: ********************************************* THINGS THAT SHOOSHAN CAN GET COURTENEY TO DO A) Dress up like a chicken "It will get you a part in the next Ace Venture movie."

B) Give all her money to SHOOSHAN "I will manage it well for you."

C) Have her send Michael Keaton to SHOOSHAN "The stars say he was meant for me; but not to worry, you will find someone as well."

D) Ask the producers of FRIENDS to replace her with SHOOSHAN. "You need a movie career right now, FRIENDS is just dragging you down."

TERI HATCHER says that she will show the world that she is in such good shape after the have seen her strip NUDE in a new movie.(Star) Thoughts: 1) Such good shape... do you think Teri will be in such good shape that they will show her new film to inmates at the Anorexia Institute?

PRINCESS DI regularly goes to a clinic where she gets a foot massage to relieve nervous tension.(Star) Thoughts: 1) Her feet are nervous?

2) Is Di nervous about working hard at her job, or whether she'll have enough millions to support her family? Or does her nerves center around more important questions, such as "What shall I have for lunch?" and "Should I take these two designer dresses, or all of them?"

SEINFELD uses MEDICINE to GROW his HAIR.(Globe) Thoughts: 1) Just one. How does he explain it to his YOUNG girlfriend SHOSHANNA?

Sho: "Jerry, what is that smelly pink goo you've got in your hair?" Seinfeld: "It's a new sort of shampoo. It, uh, gets rids of dandruff."

2) Do you suppose if there were a machine that could ELECTRICALLY stimulate hair that Seinfeld would stick his head into it? How would he explain it to Shoshanna?

Sho: "Jerry, why do you stick your head into that machine? It looks like a huge electrical socket!" Jerry: "Yes, it sends an electrical current through which... stimulates my mind. It helps me think of jokes for the show, actually."

HEATHER LOCKLEAR caused two cars to collide when their drivers turned their heads to stare at her body.(Star)

Thoughts: 1) Do you think male drivers who live in Heather's neighborhood have to pay higher auto insurance premiums?

2) Don't you think it would be wise for Heather to stay away from busy intersections?

YOUNG WOMEN camp out on OJ SIMPSON's lawn until they get invited inside.(Enquirer ) Thoughts: 1) I express no astonishment that young women everywhere want to flock to OJ's house to make out with the superstar. Instead, I wonder about the mechanics: Do they just go up to his house, ring the doorbell, and say, "We're available?"

2) Do you suppose that OJ's house is like a foreign embassy, with a long line of women snaking around the block, all waiting for entry visas?

3) Do you suppose that OJ has a hunchback deaf-mute butler answer the door while OJ views the visitor from the window, giving a thumbs up or thumbs down?

X-Files Gillian Anderson, whose first boyfriend was a Neo-Nazi, said, "I felt if somebody liked me, I was supposed to sleep with them."(Globe) Thoughts: [Gillian sitting around piles of fan mail, two weeks after this is published] "Dear Gillian, I really like you." [opens next letter] "Dear Gillian, I really like you." [opens next letter] "Dear Gillian, I really like you." Gillian looks around. "Jill? I can't weed out all these letters! Listen, can you go through them and just save the Nazi ones?"

XENA, star of XENA, is a "pinup queen" in women's prisons.(Globe) Thoughts: 1) You know how advertisers like to know the demographics of a show so they will know what to sell? What kinds of products do you think are advertised on XENA? PRODUCTS THAT MAY BE ADVERTISED DURING COMMERCIALS WHEN "XENA" IS AIRED: a) razors b) weight lifting equipment c) do-it-yourself tattoos d) steroids and... "This episode of Xena is sponsored by Havana, the #1 maker of women's cigars!"

GEORGE CLOONEY was HYPNOTIZED to prepare himself to wear a mask in the next Batman movie.(Globe) Thoughts: 1) Is that REALLY why they hypnotized him? I think they hypnotized him to BELIEVE he REALLY IS Batman. FIVE TOP SIGNS THAT GEORGE CLOONEY HAS BEEN HYPNOTIZED TO REALLY BELIEVE THAT HE IS, IN FACT, BATMAN: 1) He refers to the male nurse on ER as"Robin". 2) He propells down clotheslines. 3) He refers to his movie trailer as "The Bat Cave." 4) He hangs upside down on a coat rack. 5) He goes to a pet store to buy food for Cat Woman.

Beverly Hills 90210's Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, who used to go out with Brian Austin Green, was seen SMOOCHING with Jennie Garth.(Star) Thoughts: 1) For those of you who don't watch the show, Brian plays a wimpy sensitive guy who shaves most of his head and wears large hoop earrings. Do you think Brian turned Tiffani off to men?

2) If Tiffani gets hot for women, will Tori Spelling be safe? Or Brandon's mom?

3) Do you think Shannen Dougherty left the show because Jennie Garth was coming on to her?

When PAMELA ANDERSON filmed her movie BARB WIRE, the shooting schedule was frequently interrupted by "Tommy's frequent visits to the set for sex with his wife [Pam]."(Star) Thoughts: 1) Doesn't the screen actors guild have rules on this sort of thing? How many non-work related sex breaks per day is an actress allowed to take in Hollywood?

************************************************ Would you like to see more HOT HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP? Do as over 7,800 people in 49 countries do and subscribe! ************************************************ REAL Comments from REAL Subscribers: [email] said, "Your last issue was one of best. Cracked me up!"

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                         HOT HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP!!!
          "OVER 8,600 SUBSCRIBERS AND GROWING!!!!"
                      Rated Top 5% by Point Survey
             Three Stars from Internet Underground Magazine
                       [Composite Sample Issue]

Matt LeBlanc... Camilla Parker-Bowles... Seinfeld.... Heather Locklear.... David Duchovny... Madonna Brooke Shields...

HEATHER LOCKLEAR says that when she was married to Tommy Lee that she was "divorced in her head" years before she actually divorced him.(Movieline) Thoughts: 1) Divorced in her head. Do you suppose any other of Heather's divorced body parts started dating other guys while she was still married?

SHARON STONE attracts men by bending over in a short skirt or letting a lacy bra strap slide down one shoulder.(Enquirer) Thoughts: 1) The bending over I understand, but what's with the strap, how can she let that fall on command? Do you think she greases it up beforehand with vasoline, or something?

CAMILLA PARKER-BOWLES smells like a HORSE! (Enquirer) Thoughts: 1) When Prince Charles rides a horse, does he think of Camilla?

2) When Prince Charles rides Camilla, does he think of a horse?

JERRY SEINFELD keeps "Hustler" magazine in his car!(Star) Thoughts: 1) Always in easy reach, eh?

• What reason would Jerry give? Maybe.....

Jerry: "They're really Shoshanna's." OR Jerry: "They're a gift for Shoshanna." OR Jerry: "They're a gift from Shoshanna." OR Jerry: "They're somehow Shoshanna related." OR Jerry: "I'm looking over several possible new castmembers for the show."

BROOKE SHIELDS ("Suddenly Susan") has promised producers that she WON'T GET PREGNANT for 2 years!!!(Star) Thoughts: 1) What kind of promise did she make? Do you suppose she took a vow of celibacy?

2) Do you suppose the network sends a censor to her bedroom every night?

3) If the network sends a censor to her bedroom every night, do you suppose that Brooke's tennis star boyfriend, Agni Agnassi, beats him with a tennis racket?

COURTENEY COX ("Friends") has been dating DAVID DUCHOVNY ("X-files").(Examiner) Thoughts: 1) The X-files detective? Is he dating her, or investigating her? Duchovny: "Scully, this one is definitely an alien."

2) Or do you think that Duchovny is going back to making porno movies, and is looking to audition Courteney for a part?

MADONNA once saw SHARON STONE at a basketball game and sent over a card asking for a "big wet smooch" but Sharon refused!(Enquirer) Thoughts: 1) Do you think Madonna was not Sharon's type?

2) If so, what is Sharon's type? Do you think Sharon only prefers natural blondes? If an aide to Sharon said, "Sharon, we just got this card from Melissa Etheridge, it says she wants a big wet kiss." do you think Sharon would have said "Go away!", or "Clear my afternoon of all other appointments"?

SHARON STONE sexed a guy in an airport bathroom for 15 minutes!(Globe) Thoughts: 1) If Sharon knows all about doing this in bathrooms, shouldn't it be good if she put out a guide? If she did, would it look something like..... SHARON STONE'S GUIDE TO HOT BATHROOM MAKE- OUT SPOTS. a) Hotel bathrooms **** (4 stars) Sharon: "They're very good, very clean. The only problem is the washroom attendant. You always have to bribe him to bring a guy in, and he usually gets suspicious when he hears all the bumping and grinding in one of the stalls."

b) movie theater bathrooms (2 stars) Not bad, but floor littered with popcorn and soda.

c) airport bathrooms (3 stars) Also not bad,actually kind of a turn on when we hear the piped announcements for planes "dropping off cargo" or planes "taking off".

d) roller skating rink bathrooms (2 stars) Again not bad, but the problem is that the guy I'm with keeps rocking back and forth.....

MATT LEBLANC ("Friends") says that the girls he dates don't trust him, "They always think I'm cheating on them."(Star) Thoughts: 1) What can Matt do to convince his women that he is not cheating on them? Do you think it would help if he remembered their names? Matt: "I think you look so beautiful tonight, Kate, er, I mean, Kathy." Girlfriend: "My name is Jane!"

2) Do you think it would help if Matt kept facts about his women straight? Matt: "I really enjoyed that movie we saw last week." Girlfriend: "We didn't see any movies last week!"

3) And do you think it would help if Matt didn't date ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY NINE different women every week, going thru them faster than a BOX OF TISSUES?

HEATHER LOCKLEAR says that her husband, Richie Sambora, gives her GIFTS after mating to show his appreciation!(Star) Thoughts: 1) What sort of gifts? Do you think Richie gives her a ticket after each sexing, and after Heather accumulates 100 or more she can trade them in for a clock radio or a stuffed animal?

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