I have never been to New York City, and since I am planning a trip for this fall, I have been doing some research. This is what I have come up with so far:
New York City Travel Plan ----------------------------
Arrival:
JFK Airport: Directions: Take the Grand Central, the Van Wyck. If you take the Long Island Expressway, the traffic will make it a suicide mission. Alternate route: Take the shoulder on Queens, the median on Jewel, and if you beat the Van Wyck, watch out for five-car-pile-ups on Rockaway Blvd.
Accommodations:
There must be over eleven million decent hotel rooms in New York City. If you stay at the Plaza, it'll be like a little vacation. Watch the intake of Macadamia nuts and in-room movies, particularly the adult features. Asian massages are available.
Shopping:
Barney's: Watch for the skinny mirrors. Cinco the Mayo/Punto Mayo: they are the same! They are having the sale of the century, but be careful: their clothes will smell noticeably musty within five years. Watch the salsa, it makes you feel all dried-out inside. Rinitze: Suits go on sale unadvertised, although there's a lot of yapping about it. They also have mannequins there that will look like you. It's like some pod landed from another planet and took your body. Don't fall asleep. Brentano's: if you're looking for books, this is the place. Stay away from French Impressionist Paintings section. They are having a problem with theft and biohazards.
Restaurants:
Monks: is a given. Poppies: Do NOT order the pizza. The duck is good. They are flown in from Newfoundland. They have very good duck there. Very succulent. Mendies: Get the swordfish. Best swordfish in the city. The best! Don't get the soup--it's not a meal.
Sightseeing:
Central Park: It's been cleaned up recently. Watch out for rockin' vans and dug holes in the ground. You can visit the zoo while you're there, but be careful not to upset the precious little monkey, or he'll curtail his auto-erotic behaviour. Riverside Park: Do not enter after dark, or the lopper will get you. The park is currently in the process of being revamped, just like Central Park was. Down-town: If you're all alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go... down-town. But not the Broadway area, that's mid-town. Don't get lost on 1st and 1st, the Nexus of the Universe, and don't forget to pick up some gum in Chinatown. Statue of Liberty: Someone botched the job, the green stuff is still on there. Manhattan: No mosquitoes, that`s what you have to like about Manhattan. Manhattan can be pretty pricey, even with 50,000 Yen. Moving there set Jimmy back. You may spot a man in a cape beside a man with a strange... halting... way... of... speaking, and it would look out of context. Coney Island: Directions: You can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R. Alternate route: Just take the D straight to Coney Island. If you don`t go now, it could be years before you get back to Coney Island. You can't go to rides alone. You can take a drive out to Long Island, but it's so far out, it smacks of desperation. However, there'll be girls there. The Hampton's: They've got Hampton Tomatas, Lobster and Butros Butros Gali. Upstate: They've got pies.
Emergencies:
If you have to have a heart attack, make sure you`re taken to Manhattan Memorial--less of a line. Be careful, though, Dr. Tongue works there. If you're in a coma, go to Metropolitan Hospital Center, you will wake up there. Also, spongebaths are known to be performed there on occasion. If you pass out, make sure the people helping you do not stuff cookies and milk down your throat. You're not supposed to do that! But whatever hospital you're going to, make sure not to park right in front of the door. And don't tell fat little mental patients where the elevators are.
Other activities:
If you're looking for some quick cash, go down to Mt. Sinai Hospital, they hire actors to help the students practice diagnosing If your watch breaks bring it to Jimmy Sherman right there on 85th and Columbus. If you need anything sewed, there are a couple of Chinamen down on 34th street who would do it for half. If you need batteries, do not go to Brentano's, they stopped carrying them (see Shopping).
Leaving:
As you leave, do not take the New Jersey Turnpike. You may think you can blend in, but you can't. It is better to fight the bridge traffic on the Palisades.
Are there any more suggestions of things to do while I`m in New York? I'm open to suggestions.
Er