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HOT HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP
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[Composite Sample Issue]Gossip about Matt LeBlanc... OJ Simpson... Princess Di... Heather Locklear... Seinfeld... Tori Spelling... George Clooney.... Gillian Anderson... Leonard Nimoy... Xena
HEATHER LOCKLEAR felt the need to have her chest enlarged not once but TWICE! (Star). Thoughts. 1) That's nice. But if she wanted to keep adjusting her size, why didn't she just leave a little hole where she could insert an air pump?
2) If Heather ever springs a leak, do you think she would walk around dripping silicone?
MATT LEBLANC ("Friends") "caught the eye of a busty young lady in a chic restaurant. And within 15 minutes the pair were headed hand in hand to the ladies room. They spent almost a half an hour alone... before Matt emerged lookming rumpled and disheveled."(Enquirer) Thoughts: 1) Matt must have a great pickup line, to get a complete stranger to sleep with him in less than fifteen minutes of talking. What do you suppose he says? POSSIBLE TOP PICKUP LINES OF MATT LEBLANC:
1) "Hi, I'm Matt LeBlanc, the star of Friends. You're looking very beautiful tonight. Would you like to go to the ladies room with me?"
2) "Hi, I'm Matt LeBlanc, the star of Friends. I'd like to get to know you better, but it's a little crowded in here. Why don't we both go to the ladies room? More private."
3) Matt LeBlanc, Friends. I'd like to get to know you better... why don't we go to the women's bathroom?
4) LeBlanc, Friends. Hey, why don't we go to the ladies room? I'll bet you flush a mean toilet!
- LeBlanc. Friends. Bathroom. Now.
.................................................................................. 2) If you go to a famous Hollywood restaurant and there is a long line to get into the women's bathroom, do you suppose that means that Matt LeBlanc is having a long night?
3) I'm still focused on that time. Seduction in 15 minutes! How long do you suppose it would have taken other stars? a) Brad Pitt--2 minutes b) Sean Connery--4 minutes (9 minutes, w/o toupee) c) Jim Carrey--6 minutes (12 minutes, after "Cable Guy") d) Michael Douglas--8 minutes (only if wife is around-- works best under pressure) e) Madonna--3 minutes (but with guys, 7 minutes)
SEINFELD claims he comes up with his "best material" in the middle of the night so he bought his buxom girlfriend SHOSHONNA a life-sized Jerry doll so she won't get lonely when he gets up at night.(Globe)
Thoughts: 1) If Shoshonna isn't getting his "best material", then who is?
2) When the dummy is substituted for Seinfeld, does Shoshonna notice the difference? Or any reduction in performance?
2) If Seinfeld is worried that his YOUNG YOUNG girlfriend thinks him old and lethargic, how do you think he feels when he returns to the bedroom and finds SHOSHONNA and the dummy looking relaxed and each smoking cigarettes?
X-FILES star DAVID DUCHOVNY is DENYING published reports that he is a "sex addict" and that he is a member of "Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous" a sort of "AA group for sex addicts", although he admits that "staying monogamous requires constant viligence"(Enquirer) Thoughts: 1) Sex and Love Anonymous? Can you imagine? [Michael Douglas, Charlie Sheen, Matt LeBlanc and David Duchovny sitting around in a circle] Moderator: "Michael? Do you have something to say?" Douglas: "Yes... it's been 8 days since I've had anyone... other than my wife." LeBlanc: "One woman in 8 days! I've had 8!" Sheen: "Really? Do you still have their phone numbers?"
2) When people are addicted to smoking they give them a substitute to chew on to wean them off smoking. In this case, do you think they give the addicts women substitutes--Corporal Klinger and RuPaul--to chew on?
3) Now, David said that "staying monogamous requires constant viligence." Do you think if he gets distracted for 10 minutes, he can suddenly focus to find himself in bed with a pretty woman? David: "Oh no, not again!"
TORI SPELLING had a problem; she bought a hot dog, but didn't know how to use the microwave to heat it up.(Globe) Thoughts: 1) What else is Tori unfamiliar with? We're just hypothesizing, but we've made a list: **************************************** THINGS TORI MAY BE UNFAMILIAR WITH 1) A hard day's work 2) the front seat of a car 3) a kitchen 4) a vacuum 5) her natural hair color 6) a standard 9th grade curriculum 8) supermarkets ("Daddy, where does all the food come from that the servants cook with?")
GEORGE CLOONEY paid for NUDE LAP DANCERS at a strip club.(Star) Thoughts: 1) I'm confused. A famous star has to pay for nude women?
2) Do you think it would help if Clooney walked around Rodeo Drive in Hollywood wearing a sandwich board which read, "I'm George Clooney. I'm playing Batman in the next Batman movie. Please, someone, go out with me!"
3) Do you think the lap dancers wore high heels? If so, do you think it could, ahem, hurt when they danced in George's lap?
YOUNG WOMEN camp out on OJ SIMPSON's lawn until they get invited inside.(Enquirer ) Thoughts: 1) I express no astonishment that young women everywhere want to flock to OJ's house to make out with the superstar. Instead, I wonder about the mechanics: Do they just go up to his house, ring the doorbell, and say, "We're available?"
2) Do you suppose that OJ's house is like a foreign embassy, with a long line of women snaking around the block, all waiting for entry visas?
3) Do you suppose that OJ has a hunchback deaf-mute butler answer the door while OJ views the visitor from the window, giving a thumbs up or thumbs down?
LEONARD NIMOY, the actor who played Mr. Spock, says that he TALKS TO SPOCK EVERY DAY!!!(Examiner) Thoughts: 1) What could they be saying to each other? Do you think Nimoy gets self-serving responses?
Nimoy: "Mr. Spock, I want to buy a new car."
Spock: "A Mercedes would be most logical."
Nimoy: "Mr. Spock, I wonder if I should cheapen your image by cashing in on all this Mr. Spock merchandising."
Spock: "The money of the many outweighs the money of the few."
Nimoy: "Mr. Spock, they want to pay me $2 million dollars to appear as Spock, wearing my Vulcan ears and wig, in a porno flick with a donkey and a cow. I really want the money, but in order to possess it...."
Spock: "You will find that wanting and possessing to be different things. Possessing is better."
Nimoy: "Mr. Spock, Bill Shatner has invited himself over for lunch. I feel like hitting him over the head with a wrench while his back is turned. What should I do?"
Spock [raised eyebrow]: "Make sure his back is completely turned."
Gay fans of the show XENA are pressuring execs for XENA to have a LOVE AFFAIR with her sidekick, GABRIELLE!(Globe) Thoughts: 1) Do you think Gabrielle ever asks, "Xena, why do you always invite me to ride on your horse with you and why do you always sit so close in the saddle?"
2) We know that XENA is very protective of Gabrielle, and we also know that XENA has a killer metal frisbee called a "shockram" that she can use to cut off very specific parts of her opponent's body. If a guy came on to Gabrielle and XENA got jealous, do you think she would use her shockram to cut off his-
3) Girl on Girl themes on Xena? I can just see my TV Guide now: 9 PM XENA E. DeGeneres guest stars as a shape changing monster, "Ellenicus", who gets rid of Gabrielle and then impersonates her, seducing Xena so that guys won't follow her anymore.
MADONNA's fathering instrument, CARLOS LEON, has been spotted with at least two other women.(Examiner) Thoughts: 1) Do you think he's free-lancing?
2) If he's going into the fathering business, what sort of a reference do you think he gets from his past employer? Madonna: "He grunts a lot in bed but is very professional, gets the job done quickly."
Prince Charle's mistress CAMILLA PARKER-BOWLES is dressing up in almost the exact same clothes as Princess Di so she will LOOK LIKE DI!!! (Enquirer) Thoughts:
Camilla: "William, Harry, it's me, your mother, Diana."
Prince William: "Check her legs, Harry!"
Prince Harry, grabbing Camilla's legs: "Cellulite! This isn't Mum!"
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