Hey, does anybody know if this ep was ever aired or if it was pulled from syndication?
SEINFELD "The Big But"
Written by
Carolyn A. Green Carolyn
A. Green POB 02-3723
Brooklyn, NY 11202-3723
(718)399-6910
e-mail: [email]
ACT ONEFADE IN:
INT. - MONK'S DINER - DAYJERRY AND GEORGE ARE SITTING IN THE DINER
HOLDING MENUS. GEORGE TOSSES HIS DOWNON THE TABLE AND LOOKS AT JERRY.
GEORGE
I may as well tell you this now, Jerry. I'm in
love. For the very first time in my life.
JERRY
Again? (LEANS TOWARDS
GEORGE) Do I have to
hear all the sordid details? GEORGE
She thinks I'm handsome. JERRY
(Speaking slowly) But... does...she... love...
you? GEORGE
Who cares. She thinks I'm handsome. AND her name
is Robin. I always wanted to be in love with someone
named Robin.
JERRY Of course. GEORGE
(WISTFULLY) Robin and
George. George and Robin.A TALL, HEFTY MAN, WITH A BIG BUTT, PASSES
THEIR TABLE. GEORGE GLANCES AT THE MAN
AS HE PASSES AND THEN DOES A DOUBLE TAKE. GEORGE
Did you see that? My God! How does that happen? Did
you see that?
JERRY What? What? Did I see
what?
MEANWHILE A FULL FIGURED WOMAN WALKS BY.
GEORGE (LOUD)That
butt! Did you
see how big that butt was?
THE FULL FIGURED FEMALE STOPS, PAUSES, SPINS
AROUND AND COMES BACK TO THEIR TABLE. FEMALE
Excuse me. What did you say?
GEORGE I was just saying look at
the size of that butt. (HE MAKES A BIG CIRCLE
WITH HIS HANDS) How
does a butt get that big? Can you tell me how a butt
gets that big?
JERRY REALIZES THE MISTAKE GEORGE IS MAKING. HE
LOOKS AWAY AND HIS EYES GET REAL BIG. HE KEEPSHIS EYES AVERTED.
FEMALE
(SHE SOUNDS EXHAUSTED) You know what? I had a
really, really bad day today. But I'm not too tired
to
take off my shoe and beat you senseless
about
the face and head for making that vulgar remark.
JERRY COVERS HIS EYES IN ANTICIPATION OF THE
SENSELESS BEATING OF GEORGE. THE FEMALE NOW
TURNS HER ATTENTION TO HIM. HE UNCOVERS HIS
FACE BUT HIS EYES ARE STILL BIG. HE DOES NOTMAKE EYE CONTACT.
FEMALE
(LOOKING AT JERRY) You find this funny? Because
you know what? I have two shoes. One with your name
on it (SHE POINTS TO GEORGE) and (SHE POINTS
TO JERRY) I can put your
name on the other.
SHE TAKES A FINAL GLARE AT THEM AND STORMS
AWAY. JERRY STARES AT GEORGE. GEORGE ISSPUTTERING.
GEORGE
What did I do? What did I say? How did she get
involved in this?
JERRY Why do you get me into
these things? Why? GEORGE
All I said was look at that guys big butt...
JERRY
Well, she didn't know that! She thought you
were
talking about her big butt. (A PAUSE) You were
looking
at that guys' big butt? Why would I want to look at a guys' butt? Why were
you looking at a guys' butt?
(A PAUSE) Do you look at my butt?
GEORGE No, no. Jerry, listen to
me. I'm just saying that it's not normal for guys
to have giant butts. Women, yes. Men, no.
JERRY (APPEARS TO PONDER
THIS) Hmm. It's...okay... (MORE)JERRY (CONT'D) only...for women. Not men. Hmm. GEORGE Well, not real men. You don't see us walking around with big butts. JERRY Well, at least not one of us.
THE MANAGER OF THE DINER COMES TO THEIR TABLE. MANAGER Oh, it's you boys again. I should have known. Okay, listen to me and listen very carefully. That young woman that you were bothering... GEORGE But... MANAGER Oh, I know it's about that... JERRY George, I think it's time to shut up. MANAGER Listen, Vanessa is my cousin and you two boys are going to apologize to her real nicely. JERRY It was him! (POINTING AT GEORGE) He's the boy! GEORGE Listen. Yes, it was me. (GETTING FIRM) But I was not talking about her big butt... MANAGER Excuse me! JERRY Shut up, George! GEORGE I was talking about a man's big butt and your cousin happened to pass by.JERRY THROWS HIS HANDS UP IN EXASPERATION. MANAGER You're disgusting. (PAUSE) Do you talk about my butt when I pass by? GEORGE No. (PAUSE) No. But if it was abnormally large, (PAUSE) yes, I might make a comment. But wait! Look! There he is, the guy with the coffee. (BOTH JERRY AND THE MANAGER TURN) (MORE) GEORGE (CONT'D) TO LOOK. GEORGE KEEPS TALKING ALOUD) See! Look at his butt! Look how big it is! THE BIG BUTT MAN IS HOLDING A CUP OF COFFEE.HE HEARS WHAT GEORGE IS SAYING AND APPROACHES THEIR TABLE. BIG BUTT MAN Were you talking about me? JERRY George, just shut up! (JERRY MOVES AS IF TO SEE IF HE CAN CLIMB OVER THE DIVIDER IN THE DINER) GEORGE I'll handle this, Jerry. (HE TURNS TO THE BIG BUTT MAN) Listen, you seem like an intelligent man and I'm (MORE) GEORGE (CONT'D) sure you'll understand (GEORGE STARTS TO GET NERVOUS) but a big butt on a man is... well...it's unusual and I just said to my friend Jerry here... (HE POINTS TO JERRY WHO LOOKS UP AT THE CEILING - OFFERING NO HELP) THE BIG BUTT MAN ANGRILY PUTS DOWN HISCUP OF COFFEE AND PROCEEDS TO TAKE HIS JACKET OFF.CUT TO:EXT. - THE SIDEWALK. JERRY AND GEORGE ARE RUNNING ON THE SIDEWALK. THEY LOOK BACK AND SEEING NO ONE BEHIND THEMTHEY START WALKING. JERRY You see why I have to wear sneakers all the time!
You see! (SUDDENLY HE STOPS RUNNING) (MORE) JERRY (CONT'D) Wait a minute, George. We have to go back! (LOUD, SHOCKED) George we left Elaine in there! GEORGE (VERY CALMLY) Elaine wasn't there. JERRY (STILL LOUD) What do you mean Elaine wasn't there! She's always there! GEORGE (STILL VERY CALM) Jerry, if Elaine was there she would have beat up the big guy, right? We wouldn't have had to run. JERRY Then where is she? She always meets us in the diner. GEORGE DOES NOT ANSWER BUT CONTINUES TO WALK. HE HAS A BIT OF A SMIRK ON HIS FACE. JERRY George? GEORGE DOES NOT ANSWER. JERRY TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM AND SEES THAT SMIRK ON HIS FACE. JERRY Oh no! George, don't tell me, don't tell me. GEORGE Well she was kind of nice to me. She yelled louder at you than she yelled at me. We made eye contact. JERRY And she wants to contact your eye with her shoe. George, she wants to kill you! With her shoe! And she has a shoe with my name on it! GEORGE I know. Did you see her shoes? She had on nice shoes. Let's go back. JERRY No, no, no. She'll kill me too because I know you. And what about the guy with the big butt?THEY APPROACH THE CORNER WHERE JERRY LIVES. KRAMER IS STANDING ON THE CORNER. KRAMER What guy with the big butt? Who's going to kill George? Can I come watch? GEORGE (MUMBLES) Very funny. JERRY (TO KRAMER) What are you supposed to be doing? KRAMER Did you know that if you stand on this corner long enough, everyone you know will pass by? JERRY That's 42nd Street! If you stand on 42nd Street long enough everyone you know will pass by! A MALE PASSERBY (YELLS OUT) Hey, Kramer! Long time, no see. Give me a call sometime. GEORGE (TO JERRY) What are you two talking about? JERRY 42nd Street. It's supposed to be something like the crossroads of the world or (MORE) JERRY (CONT'D) something and sooner or later everybody you know will pass by. That's 42nd Street, Kramer, 42nd Street. A FEMALE PASSERBY Kramer! is that you? (THEY START HUGGING)You have to call me sometime. Here, take my business card. (SHE GIVES HIM HER CARD HUGS HIM AND WAVES GOODBYE) JERRY Kramer, Elaine's missing. Have you seen her? KRAMER Not in the last two weeks. She hasn't been in your apartment either in the last two weeks. That I know. GEORGE How would you know that? KRAMER Because I've been in Jerry's apartment for the last two weeks.JERRY JUST LOOKS AT KRAMER. KRAMER (LOOKING AT JERRY) Well, my TV isn't working. JERRY Does anything ever work in your apartment. (PAUSE)
Should we go over to Elaine's?
KRAMER No, she's probably okay.
Just hiding out. JERRY What do
you mean hiding out?
Why would she hide out? KRAMER
Probably got a new boyfriend. JERRY
So what - she always has a new boyfriend.
KRAMER
Well then, this one she doesn't want you to meet.
JERRY
Why not? What are you talking about?
KRAMER Maybe it's someone you
know. Or maybe he's weird. GEORGE
(MUMBLES) And you know weird.
KRAMER What? JERRY
Look, let's go to Elaine's.
I want to find out what's going on.
GEORGE But let's go back to the
diner first, Jerry. That big guy is probably gone now.
And we may just catch the woman there. I want to
straighten out this mis- understanding.
JERRY
No, George. I want to live. KRAMER
Problem?
JERRY
(HISSING THROUGH
CLENCHED TEETH) Yes, there's a problem. Some woman
(MORE)
JERRY (CONT'D) is going to kill George with
her shoe and then she's
going to kill me. Our names are all over her shoes.
All
because George had to look at some guys big butt.
KRAMER
Something new, George? GEORGE
Shut up! JERRY And now the guy
with
the butt is looking for us too.
GEORGE AND KRAMER POINTEDLY IGNORE EACH OTHER. JERRY
Well, I'm going to Elaine's. (WITH TEETH CLENCHED)
I'm getting to the bottom. of this.
JERRY AND GEORGE TURN AND WALK OFF . KRAMER REMAINS PUT.
JERRY
(LOOKING BACK) Kramer! Aren't you coming with us?
KRAMER
No, I'm waiting for a friend.
Going to shoot a little pool.
(HE MAKES THE MOTION WITH HIS HAND) I'll catch
up with you later.
AS KRAMER AND GEORGE CONTINUE TO WALK AWAYANOTHER PASSERBY APPROACHES KRAMER.
ANOTHER FEMALE PASSERBY Kramer! Oh my God. It's
you. I don't believe [address] - ELAINE'S HALLWAY
JERRY AND GEORGE APPROACH ELAINE'S DOOR. GEORGE
I don't know why you
hang out with that guy. He's always doing something
crazy. JERRY
(QUIETLY) Like you.JERRY KNOCKS ON ELAINE'S DOOR AND TURNS TOGEORGE.
GEORGE (MUMBLING) The man's a
buffoon. JERRY
All right! All right! Enough of that. You just be
quiet and
let me handle this. INT. - ELAINE'S APARTMENT
ELAINE Yes! Who is it?
JERRY It's me, Jerry. Open this
door, Elaine. ELAINE
(SOUNDING SURPRISED) Jerry?ELAINE OPENS THE DOOR.
JERRY TRIES TO ENTER
BUT ELAINE BLOCKS HIS WAY. JERRY
Well Elaine, do you have
something you'd like to tell me?
ELAINE
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) What are you talking about? What
are you doing here?
JERRY Let us in, Elaine.
ELAINE (SPEAKING SOFTLY) Listen
Jerry, I have company. This is really not a good
time. JERRY
Ah ha! Open this door, [address] STRUGGLE AT THE DOOR STARTS. JERRY TRIES TO
OPEN THE DOOR, ELAINE TRIES TO CLOSE IT. ELAINE
ALMOST HAS IT CLOSED BUT JERRY STICKS HIS FOOT
IN TO KEEP IT FROM CLOSING. ELAINE GIVES IN. ELAINE
Okay, come in. But just for a minute.
JERRY I will come in. Come
on, George.JERRY AND GEORGE ENTER THE LIVINGROOM AND
SIT ON THE COUCH. ELAINE YELLS TOWARDS THE REAR OF THE APARTMENT.
ELAINE
Benson! We have company. BENSON
(YELLS FROM THE BACK)
Be right there, Hon! GEORGE
(UNDER HIS BREATH) With
a name like Benson, no wonder she hides him. Benson.
(HE SNORTS)
ELAINE (SARCASTICALLY) Excuse
me, George, did you say something?
GEORGE SHAKES HIS HEAD VIGOROUSLY. JERRY
Ignore him. He almost got
us killed in the diner, talking about some guy's butt.
ELAINE
Something new, George? JERRY
Never mind him, Elaine. You
have some explaining to do. Where have you been and
who is Benson? Why are you hiding him? Is he
weird or something? I want an explanation and I want it
right now.
ELAINE Jerry, I have no idea what
you are talking about (THEN
SOFTLY) and no he's not weird. Just keep it down,
will you. JERRY
Then what's wrong with him? Why are you hiding
him? ELAINE
(RELUCTANTLY) Well...AT THAT MOMENT BENSON WALKS QUICKLY INTO THE
LIVINGROOM. BENSON TURNS OUT TO BE THE BIG MAN
WITH THE BIG BUTT WHO CHASED JERRY AND GEORGE
FROM THE DINER. JERRY TURNS, SEES WHO IT IS AND
HIS EYES GET BIG. HE REMAINS QUIET. MEANWHILE
GEORGE IS MAKING FUN OF THE NAME AND IS ACTING
VERY PRIM AND PROPER. HE TURNS TO GREET BENSON AND EXTENDS HIS HAND.
GEORGE
Benson, my dear, what a pleasure...
GEORGE SEES WHO IT IS, STARTS PANICKING AND LETS OUT A YELL.
GEORGE
Jerry, it's him! BENSON You
again! (THEN HE LOOKS
AT JERRY) And you too! ELAINE
What's going on? You know each other?
JERRY AND GEORGE BUMP INTO EACH OTHER AS THEYTRY TO QUICKLY GET OUT THE DOOR.
END OF ACT ONEACT TWO EXT. - SIDEWALK - DAY
BOTH JERRY AND GEORGE ARE AGAIN RUNNING ON THE SIDEWALK.
JERRY
You see why I have to wear sneakers all the time?
THEY SLOW DOWN AND STOP RUNNING AS KRAMER APPROACHES.
JERRY
I thought you were going to shoot some pool?
KRAMER
Had to cancel. My partner was upset. Had some problems
today.
We'll go tomorrow.GEORGE STOPS WALKING SUDDENLY.
GEORGE
Wait! Stop! Jerry, we can go to the diner now. If Benson
is at Elaine's, he can't beat us up at the diner. This is my
(MORE)
GEORGE (CONT'D) chance. Maybe the woman
with the shoes is still there.
KRAMER Okay, lets go.
GEORGE (ADAMANTLY) Oh no, Kramer,
no. Nope. Nope. Nope. Sorry you can't come. No, absolutely not.
JERRY
Why not? It'll be three of us against one of her.
We may stand a chance.
GEORGE No, he ruins everything, every time!
You know that! Listen
Jerry, you know I can talk my way out of anything. Right?
You know this?
JERRY No. I don't know this.
GEORGE Well, let's say I do talk
my way out of this. Kramer will come along and ruin
everything. Right?
JERRY Well, that's true. GEORGE
(HE PUTS HIS HAND ON
KRAMER'S SHOULDER) Listen Kramer, this is very important
to me. I think I've met the woman of my dreams. I
I may be in love here, Kramer. I don't want to blow this.
JERRY
You mean you want a woman that you're afraid of?
GEORGE
Well (PAUSES) yes. JERRY And it
doesn't bother you at all that just a
little while ago you were in love with some-
one named Robin? GEORGE
No. JERRY AND GEORGE WALK OFF TOGETHER LEAVING
KRAMER BEHIND. KRAMER WATCHES THEM GO. HE HAS A SAD LOOK ON HIS FACE.
INT. - DINERJERRY AND GEORGE ARE SITTING AT THE USUAL TABLE.
THE MANAGER COMER OVER TO THEIR TABLE. MANAGER
Haven't you two created enough
problems for one day? Don't you want to save some for tomorrow?
GEORGE
(GEORGE PUTS HIS HAND UP TO STOP THE MANAGER FROM
SPEAKING) Please.
(MORE) GEORGE (CONT'D)
Listen for a moment. I came
back because I want to very humbly apologize
to your cousin. There has been a terrible
misunderstanding. Is
she still here? (HE LOOKS AROUND) MANAGER
Of course not! And lucky
for you she's not. GEORGE Okay, I
understand that. So
this is what I'll do. (HE SCRIBBLES SOMETHING ON A
NAPKIN) Here, give her
my home number. I never give this out. She can call me tonight. MANAGER No. GEORGE Why
not? MANAGER
Because I don't like you.
GEORGE Okay, (THROWING HIS HANDS UP) You tell me
what I can
do to offer her my sincerest, heartfelt apologies.
JERRY
All right. All right. Don't over do it.
MANAGER
Well, since you're never going away, this is what Vanessa may
accept. Find someone who knows you and can vouch
for your sanity...
GEORGE Jerry, knows me... MANAGER
(TO JERRY) Can you vouch for
his sanity? JERRY No.
MANAGER Vanessa lives in this area. See
if you can find someone that knows you and knows her...
GEORGE
Ah, I see. A mutual friend. MANAGER
Exactly. GEORGE
Okay, that's simple enough. I'll do it.
THE MANAGER WALKS AWAY. AS HE LEAVES THE
TABLE KRAMER IS SEEN STANDING OUTSIDE LOOKING
IN THROUGH THE WINDOW. HE HAS THAT SAME
SAD EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE. JERRY AND GEORGE
ARE LAUGHING INSIDE AS THEY RAISE THEIR COFFEE
CUPS IN A TOAST. KRAMER WALKS AWAY.INT. - JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY AND GEORGE ENTER JERRY'S APARTMENT.GEORGE IS SMUG AND VERY HAPPY.
GEORGE Ah, yes. This is so easy.
JERRY Easy? Easy ? You idiot!
You don't have a mutual friend. Do you? ( WITH
EXASPERATION) Why
do I have to tell you this?GEORGE LOOKS SURPRISED. HE PLOPS DOWN ON THE
COUCH.
GEORGE You're right. What am I going to do?
JERRY
Give it up, George.KRAMER ENTERS. KRAMER
So how did it go? GEORGE
Fine, fine. Don't worry about
it. (HE WAVES KRAMER AWAY) JERRY It's
not fine. He has to find
a mutual friend to speak for him to this Vanessa. Someone
who will lie and say he is normal or else he can forget it.
KRAMER
Vanessa? Whose cousin is the manager of the diner?
JERRY AND GEORGE LOOK AT KRAMER. GEORGE SLOWLY RISES FROM THE COUCH.
GEORGE
You know Vanessa? KRAMER Good
looking? Feisty? Great
teeth? (PAUSE) Nice shoes? GEORGE
Yes! Yes! Yes! JERRY
Kramer, you know this Vanessa?
KRAMER That's who I was meeting
to shoot pool. But she canceled because she said
some buffoon in the diner really got on her last nerve.
Are you that buffoon, George?
GEORGE Yes! Yes! Yes! I am
that buffoon. You see Jerry you thought it would be
difficult.
JERRY SHRUGS. GEORGE RUSHES OVER TO KRAMER,
HUGS HIM TIGHTLY AND THEN KISSES HIM FIRMLYON THE CHEEK.
GEORGE
Kramer, I love you. This all works out. And you'll
see her tomorrow. I can casually show up when
you two are shooting pool.
GEORGE GETS VERY SOLEMN AND PUTS HIS HAND ONKRAMER'S SHOULDER.
GEORGE
Kramer. Will you help me?
KRAMER No.
KRAMER WALKS OUT AND SLAMS THE DOOR.
FADE OUT END OF ACT TWO
TAG
INT. - POOL HALL - DAYKRAMER AND VANESSA ARE SHOOTING POOL. THEY
ARE BOTH LAUGHING A LOT. PEOPLE GATHER AROUND
THEM, SPEAK TO THEM AND JOIN THE LAUGHTER.
GEORGE IS STANDING OUTSIDE LOOKING IN THROUGH
THE WINDOW. GEORGE HAS THE SAME SAD LOOK THAT
KRAMER HAD WHEN HE WAS EXCLUDED - AND WATCHEDGEORGE AND JERRY IN MONK'S.