Seinfeld Dialog

I wrote this Seinfeld dialog for my visual media class assignment-- we were supposed to adapt anything that happened to us in our life to a visual situation. One option was writing a sit-com, so I did this. If any of you have any comments/suggestions/criticisms/etc., your responses would be much appreciated...preferably via e-mail. Thanks.

The following Seinfeld dialog is based on an article from the Washington Post from about a year ago about the large Safeway grocery store in Georgetown. It was noted that it is a good place to meet people, and it was a topic of discussion with some of my friends.

[Show exterior of apartment for a few seconds while bass is playing, credits ending.]

Jerry is standing at counter in kitchen. George is sitting, watching television.

GEORGE: Do you believe these cartoons?
JERRY:  Cartoons? A cartoon is a cartoon.
GEORGE: No--these  cartoons. They're not funny! What  happened to
        dropping pianos and anvils on people?
JERRY:  People don't go for that anymore.
GEORGE: [defensively] What do you mean people don't go for  that?
        I go for that?
JERRY:  Kids  don't  go for that--they want to see people's heads
        getting  blown off. What are you doing watching  cartoons
        anyway?
GEORGE: You're  right!  I need to find something to  do  with  my
        time.

[door buzzer]

JERRY: [pushing button] Yeah. ELAINE: Hey. It's me. JERRY: C'mon up! [push button] JERRY: [to George] What about a job? GEORGE: I really don't know if I'm cut out for that-- JERRY: OK, then, a woman? What happened to you and Maureen? GEORGE: Nuthin'. JERRY: Nothing! What do you mean nothing? You two were meant for each other! GEORGE: Ahh...nuthin'.

[Elaine walks in, holding newspaper.]

ELAINE: Hi! JERRY: [to Elaine] Hi! ELAINE: You'll never believe this article I just read. They said the best place to meet people is at the grocery store! GEORGE: [surprised] The grocery store? Let me see that! ELAINE: Isn't that outlandish? JERRY: Unusual, yes, but outlandish?

[Kramer makes entrance by abruptly pushing door open and looking goofy.]

KRAMER: Guess where I'm going tonight [holding up two tickets]?
JERRY:  Where?
KRAMER: The  opera  [saying "opera" as a 3-syllable  word,  while
        shaking head].
JERRY:  Oooh--
ELAINE: Wow. With whom?
KRAMER: Claudia  [once again, "Claudia" should be drawn out  with
        weird look in eyes]. You'll never guess where I met  her:
        Joe's.
GEORGE: [excited, surprised] The article's right!
KRAMER: What?
ELAINE: [disgusted] I read this article about picking  up  people
        in grocery stores, and George--
KRAMER: [defensively] Joe's Fruit Stand is no grocery store!
JERRY:  [stupidly]  If  it  were, wouldn't  it  be  called  Joe's
        Grocery Store?
KRAMER: [really  pissed]  Shhh! [shaking  his  hands]  Don't  let
        anyone  hear  you say that. If Joe heard  you  say  that,
        he'd blow your head off!
JERRY:  Joe? Blow my head off?
KRAMER: Vroooom!  [Motioning upward with hand] Right off!  ....he
        knows people.
GEORGE: I'm going to do that.
JERRY:  Blow my head off?
GEORGE: No, I'm going to the grocery store.
KRAMER: Don't do that.
GEORGE: Why not?
KRAMER: [irritated] The fruit at the market is sub-par!
GEORGE: I'm not going for the fruit.
KRAMER: I'd  hope so...but why would you want to meet someone who
        eats inferior fruit?
GEORGE: [enraged] I don't care about the fruit.
KRAMER: Why  not?  Fruit!--it's sweet, wholesome, delicious...it's
        delightful!
GEORGE: [furious] I don't like fruit.
ELAINE: That's absurd.
KRAMER: You bet it's absurd. Fruit's good for you!
ELAINE: No,  it's  absurd that he's going to try to meet  someone
        at the grocery store.
GEORGE: [putting on his jacket] I'm going.
JERRY:  You're not going to find anybody.
GEORGE: I'm  not  leaving 'til I do. [revelation:]  The  market's
        open 24-hours.
KRAMER: Hold on--I'll go with you; I'll show you what substandard
        fruit looks like.

[George and Kramer exit.]

JERRY:  [to Elaine] So what are you doing tonight?
ELAINE: I  don't know. I have some things to do. I have to go  to
        the market to pick up a few things.
JERRY:  Yeah, I have to get some Rice Krispies.
ELAINE: More  cereal?  Don't  you  have enough  cereal?  [Jerry's
        cupboard as usually full of cereal is in plain view]
JERRY:  I'm out of Krispies.
ELAINE: [whining] So eat something else.
JERRY:  I  gotta  have  my Krispies! I have Loops, Pops,  Flakes,
        Puffs, Squares, but no Krispies.
ELAINE: So, you wanna go?
JERRY:  Sure  [turns  off TV after showing a few seconds  of  old
        Roadrunner cartoon with Wile E. Coyote getting  his  head
        smashed by an anvil].

[Show exterior of grocery store with music transition for a few seconds.]

In the grocery store...Produce department.

KRAMER: A  mango  has  to be red and soft. But not too  red...and
        not  too  soft.  These  are  too  green...and  too  hard.
        [angry]  Joe's  would  never sell  something  like  this.
        [George puts a mango in the shopping cart.]
KRAMER: What are you doing?
GEORGE: Shopping.
KRAMER: You  can't  buy  that. It will be too tart!  ...and  dry!
        [holding  hands  up in air] Have you  ever  eaten  a  dry
        mango!?!
GEORGE: I'll put it back later.
KRAMER: No woman I know is going to approach a man with an under-
        ripe mango in his shopping cart.
GEORGE: Don't you have something else to do?
KRAMER: Whoa!   I   gotta  get  going.  Don't  buy  that   mango.
        [leaves...looking goofy]

[George notices attractive woman, wearing tight, red dress, reaching up to weigh a bag of apples on an overhead scale. Makes eye contact and smiles, and then a man puts his arm around her, and he is once again depressed.]

In the grocery store...Cereal aisle.

[Jerry is pushing a shopping cart, with Elaine walking beside him. He is looking through an envelope of coupons.]

JERRY: [ecstatic] I found it! Great! Buy one, get one free! [to Elaine] Hand me two boxes, will you?

[Elaine puts two boxes of generic cereal in Jerry's cart.]

JERRY:  I can't have that! Those are generic!
ELAINE: What's wrong with the generic? It'll save you money!
JERRY:  [aggrivated] I will not have the generic.
ELAINE: [frankly] It's just cereal!
JERRY:  [defensively]  It's  not just cereal.  They're  not  even
        Krispies! They're Krispers. They won't be as good.
ELAINE: They're just the same.
JERRY:  They  are  not  [puts generic back and gets brand  name]!
        Generic Krispies are sub-par.

[George starts pushing his cart down the cereal aisle. He acts surprised when seeing Jerry and Elaine at the other end.]

GEORGE: [surprised] What are you guys doing here?
JERRY:  [frankly, bluntly] Out of Krispies.
ELAINE: Just picking up a few things.
GEORGE: [to  Jerry]  You're never going to pick up  anybody  with
        those coupons in your hand.
JERRY:  Why not?
GEORGE: It's a sign of cheapness.
JERRY:  It's a sign of frugality.
GEORGE: Naah. Cheapness.
JERRY:  It's  a  sign of ability to save money. Women  like  that
        now. [to Elaine] What do you think?
ELAINE: [bluntly] Cheapness.

[Jerry notices same, attractive woman, wearing tight, red dress, at the end of the cereal aisle. She makes eye contact with him, and he waves hello with his coupon in hand. He begins to walk over to her.]

JERRY:  [to woman] May I help you? [obvious come-on line]
MANDY:  I  can't  decide  whether to get the name  brand  or  the
        generic.
JERRY:  Well...don't  you have someone to do your  shopping  with
        who  could  better assist you? [making it  sound  really,
        really  obvious  that he's finding  out  whether  or  not
        she's available.]
MANDY:  Only my brother--he's visiting from Europe.
JERRY:  Get the name brand--by the way, I'm Jerry.
MANDY:  I'm Mandy...

[shot goes back to George and Elaine watching Jerry and Mandy. Same man from before walks up and puts some cookies into Mandy's cart. Jerry gets introduced to him, and after a few minutes, they seems to exchange numbers--he writing it on his coupon.]

GEORGE: [to Elaine] Can you believe that? ELAINE: [click tongue and lower jaw as she frequently does] Believe it.

[Jerry begins to walk back to George and Elaine.]

GEORGE: Isn't she with-- JERRY: [proud]--brother. ELAINE: [friendly punch to Jerry's shoulder.] So, you two got any plans. JERRY: [full of himself] Got her number. Callin' her tomorrow. GEORGE: [frustrated] I can't believe this.

[Suddenly, Elaine makes eye contact with a man at another end of the aisle. She begins to walk towards him.]

GEORGE: [to Jerry] I can't belive this! JERRY: Believe it.

[shot shows Elaine and man talking briefly, laughing and eventually exchanging numbers. Elaine then returns.]

JERRY: So... ELAINE: [like she always does] Yeah. ELAINE: Tomorrow night. The opera [3-syllables]. JERRY: [amazed] The opera [3-syllables]? GEORGE: [extremely frustrated] I can't believe this! JERRY: We're going to get going. ELAINE: [apathetically] Yeah...See ya! GEORGE: [sadly]Yeah...See ya.

[Show exterior of grocery store, superimpose text on screen "THREE HOURS LATER," bass is playing, then show George with a distressed face.]

Grocery store...Produce department

[3 hours later. George is obviously tired, and he is still pushing his shopping cart around the grocery store.]

GEORGE: [just  realized as he pushes his cart past  the  mangoes]
        It's  the mango! It's got to be the mango [puts the mango
        back].

[Immediately after he put the mango away, a very attractive woman wearing a tight, black dress and bright red lipstick approaches him.]

WOMAN: Excuse me. Do you know where they keep the whipped creme?

[shot freezes of George smiling, looking at woman. Bass comes in. Credits come up.]

END OF EPISODE

very, very good.

a real episode would be longer�but this in no way detracts from the quality of this piece.

In article , [email] (Christopher Hanna) wrote:

I gotta say, this is right on. I totally see the three syllable pronunciation of opera. The only iffy thing is the end. George getting the woman???

Dave

But he didn't actually *get* the woman - he got a faint glimmer of hope to keep himself going! The possibility that he *might* get the woman was the teaser. I loved it!

A lot of these amateur dialogs are so good that I can actually visualize the characters mouthing the lines provided.

Scott "Look to the cookie!" Wilson

} I gotta say, this is right on. I totally see the three syllable } pronunciation of opera.

Isn't that how it's supposed to be pronounced? op-er-a

Al.

In article [email] writes:

Many people pronounce it in two syllables, "op-ra", leaving out the e. Also, the way Kramer would say it, he would overenunciate each syllable.

Gabe

In article [email] (Gabriel G Tsui) writes:

That was the intent when I wrote it. I could see Kramer saying it with a definite three syllables, perhaps while shaking his head.

DVS>> I wrote this Seinfeld dialog for my visual media class assignment-- DVS>> we were supposed to adapt anything that happened to us in our life DVS>> to a visual situation. One option was writing a sit-com, so I did DVS>> this.

DVS>I gotta say, this is right on. I totally see the three syllable DVS>pronunciation of opera. DVS>The only iffy thing is the end. George getting the woman???

Hehehe... don't worry about it. By the next week, George would undoubtedly blow it and lose her. Just like Karen and just like Susan... and of course, all the rest of em. :^)

• SLMR 2.1a * What a sorry exhibition that was

Excellent!!! As I read this I could totally picture and hear each character saying/acting out their lines. NBC needs a writer like you. Some of the episodes lack writing. I also like the references to past episodes, i.e. "Supermarket fruits are subpar."

I just have three syllables to say...im-pres-sive!!

I was just wondering if anyone had a copy of that Seinfeld Dialog that someone wrote. I missed it when it was posted originally. It sounds hilarious.

If you could email it to me directly that would be great, if not put another posting of it on the bb and hopefully I will see it.

thanks!

I wrote a dialog and posted it here last week. Here it is again.

(Let me know what you think. I'm going to finish it tonight)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With lots of "episodes never to be seen" scripts being posted, I thought I'd try my hand at writing a short scene. This is only a scene, and is my first and only attempt at it. Please, keep all flames to yourself.

[Jerry in kitchen trying to open bottle of asprin. George distraut over troubles with Karen.]

George:  Hey, Jerry, wanna go bowling?
Jerry:   Bowling?
George:  Ya, bowling.
Jerry:   [Looks George staight faced with a look of disbelief] Bowling.
George:  What's wrong with bowling?  Everybody bowls.  Nixon bowled.
Jerry:   [Saying it to make fun of George]  I suppose you have your own ball, too?
George:  Yeah, I just bought it.
Jerry:   You're out of work and you bought a bowling ball.  [Shakes his head in disbelief]
George:  [Defensively]  I needed a bowling ball.
Jerry:   So you want to go bowling on a Friday night?  What's Karen doing?
George:  I don't know, she's not talking to me.
Jerry:   [Trying to open a bottle of aspring]  You know these child proof bottles
         are really hard to open.

[Door buzzes, it's Elaine, Jerry let's her in, still trying to open the bottle.]

George:  Try a knife.  So you don't want to go bowling?
Jerry:   [Rolls his eyes].  I don't know.  I'm supposed to see a movie with Elaine.
George:  You always go to the movies with Elaine!  It's a wonder you two ever broke
         up.
Jerry:   We like movies.  Besides, she's paying.
George:  Well, if you don't want to go bowling, could I tag along to the movie?
Jerry:   I don't see why not.
George:  Is she going to pay for me too?

[Elaine walks in.]

Elaine:  Hey, I just saw Karen outside, boy is she pissed!
Jerry:   Elanine, can you open this?
George:  Did she say anything?  Did ask about me?
Elaine:  No.
George:  [Thinking Elaine was saying no to his question] No! No!
Jerry:   Well how the heck you supposed to open these.  I'll call, Kramer.  Maybe
         he can open it.

[Jerry grabs cordless and dials Kramer's number]

Elaine:  Yeah, she said, "If you happen to see George, tell him I want my money by Friday".
Jerry:   Why do you owe Karen money?
Elaine:  Yeah, whatta ya doing borrowing money from a girlfriend for?
George:  I didn't borrow!  Is for a stupid little bet we had.
Jerry:   Whad cha bet on?
George:  Well, we're over at her place, getting cozy on the couch, watching a little TV.  I'm
         flipping channels and I stop on big time wrestling.
Jerry:   Oh, that stuff is so phoney!
George:  [Offended]  It is not!  I happen to have gone to one of those matches
         live and believe be buddy boy, it's real.  It's real alright!

[Elaine, sipping from bottle of water is trying not to laugh at George]

[Kramer comes sliding in].

Kramer:  Oh, hey George. Elaine.  [Looks at Jerry].  What's up?
Jerry:   Can you open this?
Kramer:  Let me try.
George:  AS I WAS SAYING, we're getting real cozy, things are going great when she stops          on big time wrestling.  Well, she starts making fun of the guys, saying how it's         all fake and nobody really hits anyone.  One thing leads to another and we get
         into a fight.
Elaine:  She hit you!
George:  No, she didn't hit me!
Jerry:   [Jerry, trying not to laugh at George].  Then what.
Elaine:  Yeah, then what.
Kramer:  Jerry, you still got a headache?
Jerry:   Can't open it either, huh.  See, these stupid things are more than child proof.
         They're grown up proof.  I'm going to write a letter to them and tell them just          how hard it is to open these.  This is ridiculous.  Who are they trying to keep
         out?  I can't open this.
George:  Do you want to hear this or not!

[Everyone turns towards George]

Elaine:  I'm sorry, I was just thinking about something funny that happened at work today.
Jerry:   So you were saying she hit you.
George:  SHE DIDN'T HIT ME!
Elaine:  Well what happened?
George:  Well you know that big wrestler 'The TV Repairman'?
Jerry:   Yeah, the guy that always comes out with a toolbelt and his pant halfway down so         everyone can see his butt.
Elaine:  [Talking to herself]  Why do grown men watch that trash?
George:  Karen bet me that he would lose against 'Tiny Tim', the midget wrestler.  So I bet
         her $100.
Elaine:  You bet her a HUNDRED bucks!!

[Kramer is in the background going nuts trying to open the asprin bottle]

Jerry:   And naturally you lost.
George:  Yeah.
Jerry:   So, now you owe her a hundred bucks.
George:  Yeah.  I didn't think she was serious!  I don't have a hundred bucks!  Jer, she
         expects me to pay her.
Elaine:  I don't think you'll have to worry about it anymore.
Jerry:   Why not?
Elaine:  Because when I saw her outside she said and I quote, "If you see that cheap George,
         tell him to keep his money and don't bother calling again."
Kramer:  How could you make a bet like that?  You know Tiny Tim is going to win.
George:  The only reason he won was because he cheated.
Elaine:  Listen to you guys, arguing over some stupid wrestling show.
George:  The only reason he won was because he cheated.
Elaine:  Listen to you guys, arguing over some stupid wrestling show.
Kramer:  How'd he cheat?
George:  I didn't see it exactly, but I know he did.  How else did he win!
Kramer:  Ahhhhhh!  Don't you read Pro Wrestling?
Jerry:   Pro Wrestling?  They have a magazine on this?
Kramer:  Oh yeah.  Gives all the results, stats, it's like Baseball weekly, only better.
George:  That's just great!  Just great!
Jerry:   Well, Biff, you should know better than to make a bet with a girlfriend.  Never
         bet with a girlfriend.
Elaine:  Why, you bet with me once.
Jerry:   When did we ever bet?
Elaine:  Remember when Stacy and Eric got married, you bet me they'd be divorced in less than
         a year.
Jerry:   Oh yeah.  And if I remember correctly, they got divorced three months later.
Elaine:  [Quick to change the subject]  Well, are you ready for the movie?
Kramer:  You guys going to see a movie?  Can I go?
George:  I'm going.
Kramer:  [To Jerry]  You asked George, but not me.  What, I'm only good enough to open asprin
         bottles but not to go to movies?
Jerry:   I didn't ask George.  He asked me.
Kramer:  Then why'd Elaine ask you if you're ready?
Jerry:   Because Elaine and I were supposed to go, and George came over and asked if I wanted
         to go bowling.  I didn't want to, so George asked if he could come with us.
Elaine:  Hey, I love bowling!  Let's go bowling instead.
Jerry:   But I thought you wanted to see this movie.
Elaine:  Ah, I'll wait 'til it comes out on cable.
Jerry:   [Turning to Kramer]  You want to go bowling?
Kramer:  I'll get my ball!