script

let me know if anyone likes this... Seinfeld Eric�Jerry Seinfeld Brad�Cosmo Kramer Erika�Elaine Benes Jason�Newman, George Steinbrenner Evan�George Costanza, Policeman Steve�Mr. Wilhelm, Doctor, Man Scene 1: Monk's Caf� Elaine and Jerry are having lunch. Jerry: So what do you think of my new material? Elaine: (not paying any attention) Yeah, great. Listen, do you notice anything strange about my head? (ducks head down) Jerry: Yeah, you got a nice little bald spot growing there. Elaine: (looks very scared) That can't be normal. I don't want a bald spot. People are going to talk. Jerry: What people? Elaine: My people. Jerry: You don't have any people. Elaine: Sure I do. I have tons of people. I don't see you with any people. Jerry: I never said I have people. Elaine: Well then, see? Jerry: Huh? Elaine: You know, this could hurt my reputation. Jerry: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, your reputation. It's not even noticeable. Elaine: Listen, don't tell anyone. Jerry: Hey, you know me. It's in the vault. Elaine: Well, I'm seeing a doctor. (eats silently for a few seconds) What time is it? Jerry: (looking at watch) Two. Elaine: I need to go get a hat. See you. (exits) Scene 2: Jerry's apartment Jerry is eating. George walks in. Jerry: Hey, slugger. George: (looking nervous, softly) I found a lump. Jerry: You found a what? George: A lump, Jerry, a lump. Jerry: You mean�like a lump? George: Yes, yes, a lump. That's not normal, is it? Jerry: Nope, can't say it is. George: What am I going to do? Jerry: Well, if I had that problem, I just might see a doctor. George: A man can't have a lump. That's too weird. You know, when word gets out� Jerry: So don't tell anyone. George: This is very embarrassing. I'm seeing a doctor. Jerry: Go ahead. (sits down on couch) Oww. What is this? (pulls a book from the couch) How'd this get here? (Kramer walks in) Kramer, do you know where this came from? Kramer: Sorry, can't help you. (takes pile of books from shelf and walks out with them) George: What was that all about? Jerry: I've been finding books everywhere. In the refrigerator, under the bed, in the oven. George: Well, (looking at his watch) I have to go. Steinbrenner's on my tail. He's been in a bad mood lately. Jerry: Oh, by the way, I had lunch with Elaine today. It seems she's losing her hair. George: (laughing) Women don't go bald. I've only met one bald woman ever. Jerry: What are you laughing at, baldy? George: Yeah, I'll see you later. (exits) Scene 3: Yankee Stadium in George's office Mr. Wilhelm walks in. Wilhelm: Costanza, I want you to look over these papers. (drops papers on his desk) Oh, by the way, that was excellent work on the payroll report. Mr. Steinbrenner was very impressed. Keep up the good work. (pats George on the shoulder, gives a very funny look, walks out) George: No, Mr. Wilhelm, it's not what you think! (starts after him, but Wilhelm is gone) Scene 4: Jerry's apartment Jerry is watching TV. Kramer and Newman walk in. Newman: Hello, Jerry. Jerry: Hello, Newman. (Newman and Kramer start walking out with a pile of books) All right, fellas, what's the deal with all these books in my apartment? Kramer: I don't know nothing. Jerry: OK, fine with me. (takes Kenny Rogers box from under couch) Newman: (to Kramer) Wait! (starts sniffing) Do you smell that? Kramer: Come on, we don't have time for this. Newman: No�I smell�Kenny's chicken! (Kramer sees chicken on couch, grabs at it, but Jerry takes it) Jerry: I'll ask you again. What's with the books? Kramer: OK, OK, I'll tell you. They're library books. I took out some fake accounts, and I've been selling these books on the black market. Jerry: You're stealing library books? Kramer: Not stealing, Jerry, borrowing. Jerry: Do you plan on returning them? Kramer: Well, no. Jerry: Then you're stealing. It's only borrowing if you return them. Kramer: Well, I could return them if I wanted to, you know? Jerry: No you couldn't, you sold them. Who buys books on the black market anyway? Kramer: Oh, you'd be surprised. It's a very lucrative business, Jerry. Very lucrative. Jerry: I don't understand. Why are the books in my apartment? Kramer: What, like we're going to put them in our apartments? (Kramer and Newman laugh) Jerry: Huh? Newman: Listen Jerry, we have to go. Kramer: Yeah, the big Chicago shipment. Jerry: Wait, get the books out of here! Kramer: Sorry, I can't do that, but I will cut you in for 10%. Newman: (to Kramer) That's from your share. Kramer: No, I don't think so. Newman: Come on! (Newman and Kramer start arguing) Jerry: Out, out, get out! Kramer: Wait! (grabs box, Kramer and Newman rush out) Scene 5: Doctor's office George is sitting. Elaine walks in. George: Elaine, over here. Elaine: Oh, hi, George. Why are you here? George: (nervously) No reason. You? Elaine: (nervously) Nope. (sits down, both look in opposite directions nervously) George: So, how's your hair? Elaine: (jumps up) Who told you? George: No one. I� Elaine: Jerry did. I can't believe this. It was in his vault. Listen, this is our secret. No one finds out about this, OK? George: I'm locking it up. Elaine: In the vault. George: In the vault. (Doctor walks out) Doctor: (aloud) Mr. Costanza, we're ready for your mammogram. (people stare at George, Elaine laughs) George: (stands up, embarrassed, nervous) It's for my wife. (rushes out) Scene 6: On the street A man is standing, peering at his watch, as if he is waiting for something. Kramer and Newman approach him. Man: (looking around) Where have you been? Kramer: (looking around) Never mind that. Where's the money? Man: I got the money. Where's the books? Newman: Let's see the cash, first. (Man pulls out some bills) All right. (brings books on stage, they exchange) Kramer: Nice doing business with you. (they walk off) Scene 7: Mail truck Newman: We're lucky I got this mail truck to hold the books. Kramer: (driving) We certainly are. Let me see the money. Newman: (pulls out money) See? Kramer: Here, let me hold it. Newman: No, drive! Kramer: Come on. (start fighting, money flies everywhere, a police siren sounds) Newman: Oh no. Pull over. (Kramer pulls over, a policeman walks to the truck, Newman and Kramer grin at him) Scene 8: George Steinbrenner's office George Costanza walks in. George: You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner? Steinbrenner: (speaking quickly) George, George, good to see you. Listen, I heard you may have a lump and I'd like to help you if you're having any emotional problems. You know, my sister had a lump once. It was a terrible experience. We had to stay in the hospital all night. (George exits slowly) Have you ever eaten in a hospital cafeteria? It's not all that bad. Now, sure, it's not as good as most other restaurants in town, but it's a lot better than you'd expect. I thought about maybe asking them to cater Yankee Stadium. It could actually be better than it is now and maybe cheaper too. What do you think? You know� Scene 9: Jerry's apartment Jerry is watching TV. There's a knock at the door. Jerry answers it. Policeman: Mr. Seinfeld, do you know anything about some stolen library books? Jerry: Nope, sorry. (starts to close the door) Policeman: I'd like you to come with me. (drags Jerry out) Jerry: It wasn't me! I swear! I didn't do it! Scene 10: The street Elaine and George are walking. George: Did you hear about Jerry? Elaine: No, what? George: Him, Kramer, and Newman got in some big trouble with those library books. Elaine: That's a shame. (looks away) Oooh�look at that dress! (runs off) Scene 11: Police lineup From left to right: Man, Jerry, Kramer, Newman, Elaine. Policeman: Turn to your right. (they all turn right) Left. (they all turn left, Kramer points and motions at Jerry) Policeman: Number 2, step forward. Jerry: (steps forward) Not me!