DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE CRYING GAME AND YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SO-CALLED SECRET...
Dear Seinfeld group,
Let me know what you think of this script idea. Go ahead and make changes, or add a Kramer sub-plot. If anyone feels like fleshing out the whole show, I'd love to read it.
Hey, maybe we have a subgroup here: alt.tv.seinfeld.creative
Oh yeah, and please cc via e-mail. I don't get much chance to read news.
Your Seinfeld Pal, Dan [email]
Background:
My friend Josh was driving to work here in Chicago. He was behind a car with a licence plate reading RU KINKY. Of course he pulled around to have a look at the driver. On his way up to the ideal viewing angle, he noticed a slender, smooth, fair skinned wrist connected to a very nicely manicured hand on the steering wheel. He pulled up to get a look at the driver, and saw a shabby balding guy with a mustache and a cigar hanging out of his mouth. "ooh" he thought, "shades of the Crying Game". He wrote me and said that he's sure there's a Seinfeld episode in this.
I agreed and decided to write one. Hope you like it
The Show:
Sienfeld Episode 69: The Surprise
[George is on Jerry's couch, Jerry is pouring himself a glass of some consumer product whose name will be discreetly mentioned several times during the episode]
George: I just can't believe it. Now _she's_ a lesbian too! Everything I touch becomes a lesbian! You know Mieneke? Mieneke, that guy in the bible. That guy who everything he touches turns to gold.
Jerry: That's Midas!
George: Its Mieneke.
Jerry: Its Midas. Mieneke is a muffler. And its not in the bible.
George: [incredulous] What do mean its not in the bible? Its in the bible. And its Mieneke. What are you talking about? Its Mieneke.
Jerry: [Puts his drink down and goes to the fridge] I think we should stop talking about this. [with his head in the fridge] Oh no! Kramer took my last bottle of <consumer product name goes here>! Why doesn't that guy use his own fridge?
George: Fine. [throwing up his hands] You want Midas, its Midas. Anyway, that's me. I'm that guy. Except with me its not gold, its lesbians! I'm the lesbian-Mieneke-Midas guy.
Jerry: [takes his head out of the fridge and says flatly] You're the lesbian-Mieneke-Midas guy?
George: Yes, everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Jerry: Elaine isn't a lesbian.
George: Its different with Elaine. I've never...you know.
Jerry: [smirking] No. What?
George: [making quotation marks in the air] I've...never touched her.
Jerry: Oh. So this Mieneke-Midas-lesbian touching thing isn't really what we would normally consider touching its [making quotation marks in the air] touching. I don't think that's how it worked in the original story.
[Cut to a nice resturaunt where Elaine and a semi-attractive man are having dinner. They both look a bit uncomfortable. Like on a first date. A bus boy - about 29 years old - very big, very clean cut except for a small pony tail and an earing - is at the table pouring water. He seems to be leering at Elaine.]
Elaine: ...so anyway, she keeps looking at my shoes! It was like she was in a trance!
The Date: Hmm. Very strange.
[The bus boy has finished pouring water but continues to stand and leer at Elaine. Elaine notices.]
Elaine: [irritated] Can I help you?
Bus boy: Hello Eli. What are you doing here?
Elaine: Excuse me. You must have mistaken me for someone else. I don't know what you're talking about.
Bus boy: [looks at her date, then looks back] Sure Eli.... Does he know? [tilts his head towards her date]
Elaine: [getting angry] Look. I don't know you. Now why don't you just get out of here.
The Date: Elaine, we're finished anyway. Why don't we get going.
[they both start to walk out]
Bus boy: [watching them leave]. Oh, so its Elaaine. See you later Elaaine.
The Date: [struggling to change the subject] So you were telling me about your shoes.
.....and so on
Anyway, much humor ensues. I know this is getting to be a tierd form, but Elaine really likes this guy, but he thinks she's a man. He is repulsed by her, so she can't even get a chance to prove him wrong. (Some other coincidence should occur that convinces him further. Like she lies about her name and sex to a record club to get another 8 CDs for a penny deal - and he finds a package addressed to Mr. Eli Whatever in her apartment. OK. Here it is: She's at Jerry's place, and he notices the weird address on a CD package in her purse. Then she explains that its just a put-on to get more CDs. Then later, the date finds the package, and that convinces him.) Anyway, she and Jerry go out contriving to run into this guy somewhere. Then Jerry tries to allude to his great heterosexual experience with Elaine, and this makes everyone uncomfortable, and so on. Then the punch line of the show is that, Georges old girlfreind (the NBC one with the log cabin) ends up turning back to heterosexuality and dating the guy who has rejected Elaine.
Needs a Kramer sub-plot, but besides that, I think we have a show here.
--- Bye.