FUTURAMA Season 5, Episode 1, the words. Please send any corrections to Transcripts at <URL:http://home.no.net/futscr/>
Outside on the Planet Express balcony =====================================
Zoidberg: Hurry up with the water! I'm steaming inside my own shell, I am. It's that hot, it is!
Leela: Hyya! [tears open a bag of Instant Pool Water]
Fry [entering with Bender]: Man, it's hot. How hot is it? It's so hot, I'd pour McDonald's coffee in lap to cool of! (giggles) Johnny Carson said it.
[Nibbler starts drinking the pool water]
Leela: No! Nibbler! Don't drink the pool water! It's full of chlorine!
[Nibbler gets sick and burps a chlorine cloud, making everyone but Bender faint]
Bender: Hahahaha! Lightweights! Oh wait, chlorine! [rusts and falls]
In the Planet Express meeting room ==================================
Farnsworth: Perhaps this movie will help take our minds off the heat!
Bender: Focus!
[Film:]
Narrator: Global warming! Or: None like it hot![Susie cries when her ice-cream melts]
Narrator: Hehehe. You're probably wondering why your ice-cream
went away. Well Susie, the culprit isn't foreigners, it's
global warming.Susie: Gwoba wobble?
Narrator: Ye.. Yeah. Meet Mr. Sunbeam. He comes all the way from the sun
to visit earth! Mr. Sunbeam: Hello, Earth! Just poppin' in to brighten your
day! La-la-la, la-la-la-la! And now, I'll be on my way. Greenhouse gas: Not so fast, Sunbeam. We're greenhouse
gases. You ain't goin' nowhere.[The greenhouse gases beat up Mr. Sunbeam]
Mr. Sunbeam: Ow, it hurts!
Narrator: Pretty soon, Earth is chocked full of sun
beams. They're rotting corpses heating our atmosphere![The greenhouse gases laugh and counts their money]
Susie: How do we get wid of the gweenhouse gwases?
Narrator: Fortunately, our handsomest politicians came up with
a last-minute way to combat global warming. Ever since 2063,
we simply drop a giant ice cube into the ocean every now and
then. Susie: Just like daddy puts in his drink every morning! And
then he gets mad. Narrator: Of course, since the greenhouse gases are still
building up, it takes more and more ice each time. Thus,
solving the problem once and for all.Susie: But...
Narrator: Once and for ALL!
Leela: Well, we just need one of those big ice cubes. Someone should call the losers who were supposed to deliver it.
[Phone rings]
Nixon: President Nixon here!
[Zoidberg stands up and salutes]
Nixon: I'm hiring you losers to deliver the ice. Hurry up, I'm sweating like J. Edgar Hoover trying to squeeze into a new girdle.
[Hangs up]
Farnsworth: You heard the good news, everyone! Save the Earth, et cetera, et cetera. Byyyye... [Stands up to leave]
Fry: Wait! Where do we get the ice?
Farnsworth: The whoa? Oh! Halley's comet, of course! The only sufficient source of ice cubes that don't have bugs in them.
Fry: Wow... Mining a comet. That sounds fun.
Farnsworth: Yes! There's no safer occupation than mining. Especially when you're perched on snow ball whipping through space at a million miles an hour. Woooh, woooh, wooooh, wooh! Safe.
At Halley's comet ================
Bender: Deploying ice drill!
Fry: Wow. That ice dispenser's so big, the ice crushes YOU! Hehehehe! Yakov Smirnoff said it.
Leela: No, he didn't.
Bender: Activating ice drill!
Fry: Oh my god! It's out of ice! Like some outer-space Motel 6!
Leela: [gasps] Completely out of ice?
Bender: This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it! Also, life.
At the Planet Express lounge, watching TV =========================================
Linda: With Halley's Comet out of ice, Earth is experiencing the devastating effects of sudden, intense global warming.
Morbo: Morbo is pleased, but sticky. The scorching heat has melted the polar ice caps, causing floods of biblical proportions.
Gay hippie: They called me crazy for building this ark!
Old hippie: You ARE crazy, you filled it with same-sex animals!
Gay hippie: Hey! There are parts of the Bible I like, and parts I don't like.Morbo: Direct your pity now to the African turtles, seen here migrating to cooler homes in Holland.
Bender: [sniffs] That poor turtle! [cries]
Fry: Bender! Are you crying?
Bender: Ahm, no, never!
Morbo: Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace amongst the Dutch tulips.
Linda: I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool!
Morbo: Windmills do not work that way! Good night!
Outside Planet Express ======================
Bender: Well everybody, I just saved a turtle. What have you done with YOUR lives?
Hermes: You went all the way to Holland already?
[Bender steps with his new wooden feet]
Leela: Bender, a turtle isn't yourself. Why do you care about it?
Bender. Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself. Like poor little Shelley here.
Hermes: What could you possibly have in common with this walking soup mix?
Bender: For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell. But lead a rich inner life. And also... Well, you know.
Leela: You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers?
Bender: No! It's just... Neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back.
Fry: What! I've seen you get up off your back tons of times.
Bender: Those times I was slightly on my side.
Hermes: Interesting. Maybe we should test this erectile dysfunction of yours, Bender.
Bender: Ahm, no, that's not necessary, really. I think I hear my factory recalling me. [falls over] That's what I get for sharing my vulnerabilities with you.
Announcing car bot: [drives by] Calling all scientists, calling all scientists. Be advised there will be a world-wide conference on global warming in Kyoto, Japan.
Scientist: [runs over to the car] I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine!
Announcing car bot: You've got a degree in baloney!
Amy: Professor Farnsworth, you're a scientist!
Farnsworth: Forget it, I'm not going. I have my reasons, shut up all of you!
Hermes: Strange. You haven't acted this suspicious since I found those "ape bones" in the basement.
Farnsworth: My hip hurts! I'm in the middle of cooking a turkey. I have warranty cards to fill out! I am not just making excuses! Alright, I'll go!
At the reception in Kyoto =========================
Crowd: [Yelling and crying at the arriving scientists] I can't believe it! I love you!
Joan Rivers: Oh, oh! It's professor Hubert Farnsworth! He's looking sharp in his standard white lab coat and dark slacks. His wrist-watch is a Casio.
At the Kyoto convention =======================
Announcing Car Bot: Thank you all for coming. It is my pleasure to introduce the host of the Kyoto global warming convention. The inventor of the environment, and first emperor of the moon, Al Gore.
Al Gore: I have ridden the mighty moon worm!
[Applause]
Fry: Good for him.
Al Gore: My fellow Earthicans. As I discuss in my book "Earth in the Balance", and the much more popular "Harry Potter and the Balance of Earth", we need to defend our planet against pollution... As well as dark wizards.
Wizard: Sure. Blame the wizards.
Al Gore: That's why I'm offering a bag of moon sapphires to the first scientist who can solve this problem once and for all. [Crows ooohs] Lovely, aren't they?
Wizard: Sapphires? With those, I could open the gate of Karash!
Al Gore: First up, is professor Ogden Wernstrom.
Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
Wernstrom: Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen, I have placed in orbit a giant mirror which will reflect forty percent of the sun's rays, thus cooling Earth. Observe.
[Floor opens up, mirror is shown turning and burning Earth and the convention building]
Man on the street: Oh. That's a little bright. [Explodes]
Al Gore: All right, what else have we got?
Fry: Professor, you're a professor. You must have some ideas?
Farnsworth: Absolutely not! I won't speak! I've got nothing to hide!
Al Gore: Our next speaker is professor...
Farnsworth: I demand the floor!
Al Gore: Yes, it is your turn to speak...
Farnsworth: Well nuts to me! I'm taking the stage! [Fights his way to the stage] I know the source of the greenhouse gases. But in my shame, I've kept it secret for seventy-five long years. Ooh, it haunts my memory still! [Puts a gun to his head]
Fry: Professor, no! Don't do it!
Farnsworth: Don't do what? Don't use this memory ray so I can remember what happened back then? [Shoots the gun at his head, and we are taken back in time] It was October 17th at 1.54PM, and fourteen birds were flying past the window. I was working at Mom's friendly robot company. Back then, you see, robots were slow-moving, stiff, and a little on the up-tight side.
Up-tight robot: Oh my. Might I favour Master with tender kiss
on the fore-head?Farnsworth: Oh.. I've failed again. [Crushes the robot]
Up-tight robot: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Farnsworth: The owner of the company pressured me to create a bigger, sportier robot. [Mon is shown banging Farnsworth's head on the table] It wasn't easy, but by sacrifising fuel efficiency, I succeeded.
[Farnsworth is shown finishing a robot, which drinks a beer and burps]
Mom: What was that?
Farnsworth: A flaming burp.
Mom: Does it always do that?
Farnsworth: It's not always a burp. We still have one problem though. This robot will never meet emission standards.
Mom: Crap-spackle! [Hits Farnsworth] We'll just call it a sport utility robot, and classify it as a light truck.
Farnsworth: Well, I suppose the environment can take one more for the time.
Farnsworth: What a fool I was! If only I had made the effort to develop a cleaner burning robot! But I was tired, and in love...
Mom: Take me now, you stud!
Farnsworth: Oh, this is all my fault!
Fry: That's awful, professor. Especially the making out part.
Al Gore: Yeah, I didn't need to hear that.
Farnsworth: All modern robots descend from my original smog-blasting designs, and that's the cause of global warming today.
Wernstrom: Ah, so the robots are to blame. As I suspected. [Grabs the microphone] We are left with only one possible course of action, grim though it be.
Bender. I've got a good feeling about this.
Wernstrom: We must immediately, and permanently shut down, dismantle and destroy all robots!
Farnsworth: Wait! Surely there's a better...
Announcing Car Bot: The conference is over.
Al Gore: I must go now, to help collect cans on Jupiter. Peace out, y'all!
Crowd: Destroy all robots, destroy all robots...
Amy: Poor bender...
Fry: Be brave, my friend.
At the Planet Express lounge ============================
Leela: Come on! You've got to come out of your chest some time! Would you do it for a Bender snack? [holds up a beer bottle, which Bender grabs] Aha, got ya!
Bender: Let me go! I don't even want this stupid beer! [takes the beer] Yes! You tried to trick me into coming out of my chest, but who has the beer now? Hahahahahahahaaa! [Mail arrives] I've got mail!
Amy: Ooh, It's a party, apparently!
Nixon: Do you like to party? To boogie down? Well I'm throwing an
all-night beach rager for my robot pals. It all goes down this
Saturday on the isolated Galapagos Islands, where there will be
no escape... from the fun! All robots must attend!Zoidberg: Strange. Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man, suddenly throw a party, one of the most social events imaginable? It's a trap, is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots! [Looks around] I don't hear any gasping?
Leela: We all figured that out.
Zoidberg: Oowww...
Bender: Well, I'm off.
Fry: Wait! We could hide you! We'll pile a fruit on you and claim you're a bawl!
Bender: No. I'm going to the party.
Fry: I won't let you!
Bender: Fry, as you know, there are lots of things I'm willing to kill for: jewels, vengeance, Father O'Malley's wee-wacker... But at long last I've found something I'm willing to die for: This mindless turtle.
Fry: Bender, this world isn't good enough for you.
Bender: Not even close. Goodbye, everybody! Don't touch my stuff after I'm dead. It's booby trapped!
At the Galapagos ================
Bender [to turtle]: Poor guy. Maybe you'd feel better if I had a drink. [Pumps a keg] Crummy keg, it's completely ta... Oh, you're a robot.
Keg bot: Don't stop.
Nixon: Attention, happening robots! Who's got what it takes to party with Nixon? You fellas enjoy yourselves for the next two hours, and be sure not to leave the island... for at least two hours! I'm going out to pick up some smokes. Really good smokes! Two hours.
[Crowd goes wild]
Nixon: OK, headless body of Agnew, let's blow this joint.
The Crushanator [to Bender]: DO YOU WANT TO DANCE.
Bender: Nah, I'm not really in the...
The Crushanator: YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
In the helicopter with Wernstrom, Nixon and Agnew =================================================
Wernstrom: Per your orders, I modified my mirror to fire a colossal electromagnetic pulse at the Galapagos. Every robot will be instantly and painfully terminated. Now for your part of the bargain.
Nixon: Arroo, very well. Agnew, you belong to Wernstrom now.
Agnew: Arrrrr!
At the Galapagos ================
Bender [to turtle]: I'll say goodbye now. There ain't no turtles where daddy's a'goin'. Don't tell anybody, but Nixon's about to shut all the robots off, and...
Microphone Bot: What!!
[Crowd panics]
Some bot: We're gonna die!
Robot priest: We're all going to the great beyond!
Smoking bot: Nixon's not bringing the smokes!
Bender: Shut up and pay attention to me, Bender! Look, I love life and it's pleasures as much as anyone here. Except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot. But we need to be shut off! Especially you, Hedonism Bot.
Hedonism Bot: I apologize for nothing!
Bender: We pollute too much! We're destroying the world and killing the turtles!
Robot priest: To hell with the turtles!
Bender: No-one insults a turtles!
[Bender starts fight]
Hedonism Bot: Let the games begin! Hahahaha!
[Farnsworth, Fry and Leela arrives]
Farnsworth: Everyone listen! I've devised a way to save you and stop global warming at the same time! Granted, you're all blasting out greenhouse gases...
Bender: You're one to talk!
Farnsworth: ...but we can use those very gases to save the planet! If you all vent your exhaust directly up-wards in one burst, it should thrust the Earth further from the sun, thus cooling it! By my calculations, we'll need the full force of every last robot. So quickly, everyone point your exhaust vents right up-wards. Now vent! Vent like the wind!
[Robots vent]
Farnsworth: Harder! Harder!
Fry: Why isn't this working?
Leela: Some lazy or polite robot is holding it in!
Bender [laying helpless on his back]: Help.. Help!
Farnsworth: A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished. Oh, the Jedis are going to feel this one!
Bender [to turtle]: I'm sorry, buddy. At least we'll die on our backs, helpless.
[Turtle wiggles]
Bender: Hah? What the hell are you doing? Hey, are you trying to make me look bad? [Wiggles and gets on his feet] Hah! I'm even greater than I thought I was! And now to fulfill my destiny.
In the helicopter =================
Nixon: Fire! What the...
Wernstrom: We missed!
Agnew: Aaarrrr!!
Next day at the Galapagos =========================
Nixon: Professor, for saving the earth and boiling me, I proudly, yet angrily, present you with Earth's new highest honor: The polluting medal of pollution.
Farnsworth: [Coughs] Thank you. I deserve this.
Bender: Hey professor, now that the Earth's orbit is further from the Sun, won't that make the year longer?
Farnsworth: Why, yes! One week longer, to be exact.
Nixon: In that case, I hereby declare it Robot Party Week!
[Robots party]