FUTURAMA #4ACV07 / S05E02: "Jurassic Bark", the words.
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At Bender and Fry's ===================
Bender: For my next trick, notice I have nothing up my sleeves, and nothing in my head. So, if my lovely assistant will kindly supply me with an ordinary, non-fake pitcher of milk... Behold! The milk has vanished. Exiled, perhaps, to another dimension!
Fry: [Claps] Amazing! That's why they call you "Bender the magnificent".
Bender: No it isn't.
Fry: [Looking at newspaper] Wow! They've discovered an intact twentieth century pizzeria! Just like the one I used to work at!
Bender: Interesting. No, wait, the other thing. Tedious.
Fry: Let's go check it out. You can see how I used to live before I met you!
Bender: You lived before you met me?
Fry: Sure! Lot's of people did.
Bender: Really!
At the museum =============
Bender: [Looks around the pizzeria] Truly, they were as gods who built this place.
Museum guide: Next, we come to the splendidly preserved wooden pizza paddle. Scientists theorize it was used to gently discipline the delivery boy.
Fry: Wait a second. This is Panucci's! I used to work in this exact pizzeria! And for your information, lady, this was not just used to paddle my butt! It was also used to move pizzas and crush rats.
Museum guide: I don't know where you get your facts, sir, but I am a volunteer house-wife with forty-five minutes of orientation, and a Harlequin romance about archaeologists!
Fry: Don't wave your fancy degrees at me! I recognize all this stuff. Petrified sausages, old Mr. Vitalli, and that's... [shrieks as he sees his old dog, and we are taken back in time]
Voice at speaker: Yes?
Fry: Pizza delivery for Mr... Seymour Asses?
Voice at speaker: There's no-one by that name here, or
anywhere. I hope that in time you will realize what an idiot
you've been.Fry: I wouldn't count on that.
[Fry eats the pizza in a back-alley and sees the dog]
Fry: Aww, poor little guy. You look like you haven't eaten in
a month! Here. But if Mr. Panucci asks, your name is Seymour
Asses. I like you, Seymour. You're not constantly judging me,
like all the other dogs. Are you?! Nah... We understand each
other. People think you're just a dumb mutt who smells bad,
can't find a girlfriend and has a crummy job. But you're
keeping it real, and you call no man "mister". Well, goodbye!
Live long and prosper.Bender: Yecch! That's the least appetizing calzone I've ever seen.
Fry: No! That's my dog in there! It's an outrage, I say! [Breaks the glass with Bender's foot] I'm taking him home, and I'd like to see anyone try and stop me. O-oh. [Guards throw him out]
At Planet Express =================
Bender: ...and then he was ejected by the guards! Needless to say, I was mortified.
Fry: Well it's not right to make my dead pet an exhibit. That's like digging up Lassie and putting her on display in the Louvre.
Amy: Lassie *is* on display in the Louvre!
Fry: I knoow... I was deliberately describing a similar situation.
Farnsworth: Why don't you try protesting? Like those native Martians, always whining that people don't treat their ancestor's bones with respect!
Bender: Neh, protesting never works.
Fry: You're right. I'll give it a shot!
Outside the museum ==================
Crowd: What do you want?
Fry: Fry's dog!
Crowd: When do you want it?
Fry: Fry's dog!
[Crowd cheers]
Fry: I will now perform my people's native dance.
Leela: [Watching Fry's dance] It says here that this part of the hustle implores the gods to grant a favor, usually a Trans-Am.
At Panucci's Pizza
==================[Fry arrives on bike, singing "Walking on sunshine"]
Fry: That a boy, Seymour! Right here waiting for me as always. Just
like that huge mushroom in my shower. Panucci: Hey, there's our little mascot! Aww, you've been swimming
in the sewer again? You rascal! [Spills sauce on the floor] Fry, clean
up!Fry: Seymour, clean up! Good dog.
Panucci: That's a good Seymour.
Kid: Yow, there's dog fur on my slice!
Panucci: No, it's vermicelli. No fur in here! [Sneezes]
Fry: [Looking at Seymour] He's so cute. He can do two things at one
time: Eat and swim. Ooh! Three things!Leela: Fry, it's been three days! You can't keep boogieing like this. You'll come down with a fever of some sort!
Ben Beeler: [Arrives] Mr. Fry? I'm doctor Ben Beeler, the paleontologist who discovered your dog, or as some call it, the "beelersaurus".
Fry: So, do I get Seymour back? Are you caving to political pressure?
Ben Beeler: No, we're sorry, but there's just too much thy fossil can teach us of dogs from your time.
Fry: His name was Seymour. He was once intimate with the leg of a wandering saxophonist. He had wet dog smell, even when dry, and he was not above chasing the number 29 bus.
Beeler's assistant: The 29? Interesting.
Ben Beeler: That's all I needed. Ray?
Beeler's assistant: I'm good.
Ben Beeler: OK then, here's your dog back.
Fry: Seymour!
At Planet Express =================
Bender: Lady and gentleman! How about a hand for my temporary replacement assistant!
[Leela and Scruffy claps]
Zoidberg: I was all in this part! It's magic!
Bender: You're [slaps Zoidberg] not [slaps] fit [slaps] to wear [slaps] Fry's [slaps] leotard!
Zoidberg: Stop!
[Farnsworth and Fry arrives with Seymour]
Fry: Good news, everyone!
Bender: Hooray, he's back! And he's looking for a garbage can to put the rock in. Here you go, buddy.
Farnsworth: No, actually we've discovered that Fry's dog was fast-fossilized, preserving it's cellular structure!
Fry: Which means... we can clone it! Seymour will live again!
Zoidberg: A little land mammal!
Fry: Can you believe it, Bender? I'm gonna have my best friend back!
[Bender cries, magician style]
At Farnsworth's laboratory ==========================
Cubert: Why the idiot convention?
Farnsworth: Ah, Cubert, my precious babe. I'm going to attempt to clone Fry's dog, using the very same apparatus I used to clone you! Oh, look, there's a smidge of toe still in here. You see, beneath the fossil's crunchy mineral shell, there's still a creamy core of dog nougat.
Fry: So will Seymour remember how to sing "Walking on sunshine"?
Farnsworth: Amazingly, yes! In cases of rapid fossilization, I can press this brain scan button retrieving Seymour's memories at the precise instant of doggy death.
Fry: I'm gonna get my puppy back! In your face, Grim Reaper!
Bender: Crappy, ineffective reaper...
Farnsworth: I just need to reset the Clonomat from human mode to dog mode.
Clonomat: The dog says... [sound of a cow]
Farnsworth: O-oh. this may take a while.
At Panucci's pizza, Dec 31, 1999
================================Kid: You stink, loser.
Panucci: Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out. Come on!
Fry: But I'm celebrating New Year's Eve!
Panucci: Like you got squat to celebrate. You're a delivery boy
this millennium, and you'll be a delivery boy in the next
millennium.[Fry sighs and takes the pizza. Seymour bites Fry's pants]
Panucci: What's with Seymour? It's like he don't want you to
go. Or he thinks your pants is too short or somethin'. Which
is crazy, 'cause frankly you look fabulous. No get goin'! Fry: I won't be gone long, Seymour. Just wait here 'till I come
back. At Applied Cryogenics
===================== Fry: Hello! Pizza delivery for... I. C. Wiener? Oh crud. Here's
to another lousy millennium.Crowd outside Panucci's: Five, four, three, two...
[Fry is frozen]
At Bender and Fry's ===================
Bender: A dog collar, for me? You shouldn't have.
Fry: That's for Seymour.
Bender: Oh. Say, why did you get me a subscription to The Daily Growl? That's not a reputable journal of opinion.
Fry: Oh, that's also for Seymour. I'm getting everything ready for when he's cloned.
Bender: Are you on the jump, Fry? Why are you wasting time on a creature of inferior intelligence?
Fry: Hey, he was smart! He could fetch...
Bender: I can fetch! [Fetches]
Fry: He could dig up bones...
Bender: Hello, Charlemagne? Plus, I bet he couldn't create a laser show with his head!
Fry: Look, Bender, this has nothing to do with you.
Bender: That's impossible!
Fry: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm working on Seymour's dog house.
Bender: No-one ever asks if *Bender* would like to live in a tiny little house! Not that I would. A tiny little house that says "Bender" on it!
At the Fry's, Jan 1 2000
======================== Fry's answering machine: This is Fry. If you're calling about
the used towels for sale, they're still available for
forty-five dollars each. Fry's father: Phil, it's your father. Where are you? You're
holdin' up new-year's brunch! Your brother can't wait any
longer. Yancy: Hello, first baloney of the new millennium. Ah, here
he comes! That's him and Seymour. Fry's mother: Well that's weird. Seymour's here, but... Go, go,
touch-dooown! ...but where's Phillip? Fry's father: I'm tellin' ya, the Y2K computer's got him. We'll
face burnin' roads, rivers explodin', calculators transformed into
Scud missiles... There's nothing we can do.[Seymour sings]
Fry's father: What's that, Seymour? You walkin' on sunshine?
Yancy: He's trying to tell us something. Maybe he can lead us
to Phillip! [Lets Seymour out] Should we follow him? Fry's father: To our deaths? Negatory. It's the Y2K tryin' to
lure us into an ambush, and I ain't buying it. Pass a baloney.At Planet Express =================
[Amy and Leela wrestles]
Fry: Are you two gonna be done soon?
Leela: Sorry, but we need to practice hand-to-hand combat, in case an enemy knocks the laser guns out of hands and they slide waay across the room.
Fry: Well could you do it someplace else? I'm setting up Seymour's doggy bed.
Leela: OK.
[Bender enters with Robo-puppy]
Bender: Heal, boy, heal! Oh, hello, Fry. I guess I didn't notice you there. I'm having such fun with my new best friend, Robo-puppy.
Fry: That's nice.
Bender: I was just out walking him. Yes, you can walk him! Of course, after he goes, you have to refill the canisters. Come here, boy! Pet, pet, pet!
Robo-puppy: Robo-puppy receiving petting!
Amy: Bender! Are you jealous of Fry's puppy? That's so adorable!
Bender: Jealous! Bah! Not when I have the love of Robo-puppy here! Robo-puppy, lick my cheek.
Robo-puppy: Robo-puppy preparing to lick cheek! Robo-puppy commencing cheek licking! Licking in progress! Licking complete!
Bender: Robo-puppy truly is robot's best friend, heh?
Fry: There, perfect.
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The Clonomat is ready.
Fry: Finally!
Robo-puppy: Robo-puppy commencing two-hour yipping session! Bak bak bak bak bak bak bak bak bak bak [Bender kicks Robo-puppy] Robo-puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-puppy mistreatment alert!
At Farnsworth's laboratory ==========================
Farnsworth: Behold once more, the mighty Clonomat! Requiring such vast amounts of electricity that we must harness the elemental power of nature itself! I speak of course of molten lava deep within the Earth's core. To the sub-basement!
In the sub-basement ===================
Farnsworth: Powering up Clonomat! Placing fossil on the platclonoform! Initiating dog brain cat scan!
Fry: Come on boy, come back to life!
Farnsworth: Know ye now what it feels like to be dog god! Commencing DNA extraction!
Bender: [Enters] Fry, come on, the talent show!
Fry: What? I'm in the middle of something.
Bender: But... if we don't perform, in what sense do we have an act?
Fry: Bender, enough. Leave me alone.
Bender: So that's how it is, huh? I thought you were my friend. But if you love your dog so much, maybe you'd rather play fetch! [Throws Seymour into the lava] Ahahahahaha! Now I'm all you got!
Fry: I hate you! I hate you! You evil metal man! [Kicks Bender] Ooow!
Bender: So anyway, your dog is melted. Now we're friends again.
Farnsworth: Not necessarily! For the dog may yet survive.
Fry: May yet? Really?
Farnsworth: Indeed! You see, that fossil was made of dolomite, the tough black mineral that won't cup out when there's heat all about! By contrast, observe the lava's effect on this ice-swan. [Ice-swan melts] Of course, that would have melted even at room temperature; I just wanted to get rid of it. But had it been made of that righteous mineral dolomite, there's a slim chance it might have survived!
Fry: So Seymour might still exist?
Farnsworth: Perhaps, for a few minutes. It's dolomite, baby!
Fry: Then I'm going in after him! He'd come after me!
Leela: Acting like a moron won't bring your dog back.
Fry: Then all hope is lost! Goodbye, Seymour. [cries]
Bender: Please stop crying, Fry. Here. I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog, to toy with my emotions! Oh, what have I done?
Zoidberg: You didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself up!
Bender: Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature, because I love you. Not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human, a human loves a dog, and occasionally, a gorilla loves a kiddie. I'm going in!
Farnsworth: I'm a professor. Why isn't anyone listening to me? You can't go in because you'll melt! A fossil only has a chance because it's made of dolomite!
Bender: I'm forty percent dolomite! [Jumps into the lava] Oh it's hot, oh it's very hot!
At Applied Cryogenics, Jan 1, 2000
================================= Cryogenisist: Oh, I am one hung-over cryogenisist. Just throw
that mutt in the freezer 'till its owners get here!Guy: You can't solve all your problem by freezin' them, boys.
Cryogenisist: I think you're forgetting our motto.
[Fry's parents enter]
Fry's father: Are you the cryogenisist who called about our
son's dog? Cryogenisist: Ah, you must be the Fry's. Yeah, he's right over
there. Fry's mother: Sorry we're late. We all got sick from eating bad
baloney.Fry's father: Y2K.
Fry's mother: [About Seymour] What's he so worked up about?
Fry's father: He's just upset 'cause our boy's missing. Come
on, you overgrown rat, lead us to Phillip.Leela: Bender's been down there too long. I'm going in after him!
Farnsworth: Professor! Lava! Hot!
Fry: This is all my fault. I let my best friend risk his life just to get my dead dog back. [Bender appears through the floor] Bender!
Bender: And THAT is why they call me "Bender the magnificent". [Eyes melt] Hey, were did everybody go?
Bender. OK, let's clone us some dog!
Fry: Yeah!
Farnsworth: Very well. Let this abomination unto the Lord begin! Interesting. It seems Seymour died at the ripe old age of fifteen.
Fry: Fifteen? You mean he lived for twelve more years after I got frozen?
Farnsworth: Indeed.
Fry: Stop the cloning. [Smashes up the Clonomat]
Farnsworth: Oh, sure. Smash the *smart* guy's machine.
Bender: Fry, what's wrong?
Fry: Think about it. Seymour lived a full life after I was gone. He probably added new songs to his repertoire.
Bender: But that's a good thing! "Walking on sunshine" sucks noodles!
Fry: I had Seymour 'till he was three. That's when I knew him, and that's when I loved him. I'll never forget him -- but he forgot me a long, long time ago.
[Flashback, Seymour is shown waiting for Fry outside Panucci's day after day for years]