% An emergency meeting at Planet Express is being held. Leela is % lecturing to herself about the situation.
Leela: They're going to destroy the entire Earth if they don't see
some stupid TV show about sonme bimbo lawyer?
Fry: It's crazy. How could they even know about a show from 1,000
years ago?
Prof.: Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about 1,000 light years away, so the
electromagnetic waves would just recently have gotten there.
You see ...
Fry: [apathetic] Magic. got it.% Amy is researching their crisis on the internet. She searches for % "Single Female Lawyer" and a web page opens up.
Amy: Check this out ... back in 1999, the season finale of Single
Female Lawyer was interrupted by technical problems.
Apparently some zidiot spoilled coke on the transmitter.
Fry: Beer. [bites tongue] ... I would think.
Bender: They must just want to see that episode. Let's find a tape
and give it to 'em.
[Amy punches a few keys]
Amy: There aren't any copies left.
Prof.: No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were
damaged in 2443 during the second coming of Jesus.
Fry: You know, I saw the first 30 seconds of that episode. If I
could make up an ending maybe we could act it out ourselves.
[Zoiberg cuts a suit in half with his claw]
Zoidberg: I could make the costumes.
Prof.: I have an old five megawatt broadcasting tower in the attic.
Bender: [melodramatic] And I ... I could be an acting coach!
Fry: Let's put on a show!% The crew has turned the Planet Express ship hangar into a large % studio. A courtroom set has been prepared, makeup and costume % accomodations are set up on the floor, Hermes, Zoidberg and the % Professor are hard at work setting things up, and Fry is discussing % the show with Leela and Amy.
Fry: Okay, Leela, you'll be starring as Jennie, who ...
Leela: Uh-uh. Forget it. A) I'm camera-shy, and b) I get tounge-tied
in front of an audience armed with death-rays.
Amy: Plus you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt.
Leela: [resentful] Give me the script.
[she grabs it from him]% Professor Farnsworth installs his disc-shaped broadcasting unit on the % roof of Planet Express, and Lrrr erects an old-fashioned antennae on % his flying saucer. Inside, Fry yells for everyone to take their % places. Amy puts the finishing touches on Leela's makeup (attaching a % plastic second eye on her left temple) and Bender activates three of % his built-in cameras. Lrrr and his associates gather around in their % arm-chairs while Lrrr turns the television on. Bender is holding % title screens up to the camera that say "Single Female Lawyer," % "Written and Directed by Fry" and singing his own theme-song.
Bender: Single Female Lawyer
Fighting for her client
Wearing sexy mini-skirts and bein' self-relient
[spoken] Hey, I'm pretty good!% The scene opens up with Farnsworth playing the judge and Leela in the % witness' chair. Both are reading from a script in front of them. Fry % is in the directors' chair watching the scene on television while % Bender films.
Prof.: Uh ... Jennie McNeal, you are charged with jury tempering in
last week's case on account of your hot, naked affair with the
foreman. How do you plead?
Leela: Your honor, I move for a mistrial on the grounds that I'm also
having a hot, naked affair with the foreman of _this_ jury.% The jury consists of Hermes, Amy and ten cardboard cut-out people. % Hermes leans to his side and says to Leela, slyly: "I'll see _you_ % during the recess." Lrrr, watching from his saucer, turns to his % wife.
Lrrr: If McNeal wishes to be taken seriously, why does she not simply
tear the judge's head off?
Queen: It is true what they say: "Women are from Omicron Persei 7 --
men are from Omicron Persei 9."
[back to the courtroom scene]
Prof.: Your witness, Prosecutor Remirez.% Dr. Zoidberg is dressed in a blue suit at the prosecutors' table. He % says "gracias" and approaches the bench.
Zoidberg: Single Female Lawyer, where were you on the night of August
23rd?
Leela: Sleeping with you.
Zoidberg: [menacingly] Aha!% Zoidberg whips out his claw and points it at Leela's face, but gets % the tip caught on Leela's fake eyeball. It comes off, still caught on % his claw, and he sniffs it and eats it.
Leela: [nervous] Uh, get ... getting back to the matter ... Uh, if it please the court ...
% Leela sifts through her script furiously and then turns to Fry % offstage, worried.
Leela: Fry, there's nothing else here. You only wrote two pages of
dialogue!
Fry: Well, it took an hour to write. I thought it'd take an hour
to read.
Leela: [anxious sigh] What are we supposed to do now?
Fry: I don't know. I don't know. Just say anything -- as long as
it's compelling and mesmerizing -- a tour de force.
[Leela turns back to the camera]
Leela: Uh ...
Prof.: What say you, Single Female Lawyer?
Leela: I say ... I'm giving up the law and I'm giving up being
single! [stands up] Your honor, will you marry me?
[Zoidberg gasps; Bender ad-libs some chilling music]
Fry: [aggrevated] No, no ... go to commercial!
Bender: [retracting his cameras] We'll be back after this word from
Craaazy Bender's discount stereos.
Fry: [to Leela] Married?! Jennie _can't_ get married.
Leela: Why not? It's clever, it's unexpected ...
Fry: But that's _not_ why people watch TV! Clever things make
people feel stupid and unexpected things make them feel
scared!
[Lrrr appears on the TV]
Lrrr: Attention, McNeal -- your unexpected marraige plan scares us.
You stole our hearts as a _single_ female lawyer and so shall
you remain ... or else!
[back to static]
Fry: You see? TV audiences don't want anything original. They
want to see the same thing they've seen 1,000 times before.
Bender: [Gary Coleman-style] What you talkin' 'bout, Fry?
Fry: [to soft music] Trust me on this. While other people were
out living their lives I wasted mine watching TV, because deep
down I knew it might one day help me save the world. Plus I
would've lost my workmen's comp if I had gone outside. Now
just read these cue-card.% Fry scribbles some lines in magic-marker and calls for "Action!" once % again. The actors read their lines outloud.
Prof.: Miss McNeal ... I'm afraid I must decline your offer of
marraige for you see, I'm dying. Cough, then fall over
dead.
[folds hands and smiles]
Zoidberg: My God, he's dead!
[Farnsworth checks his own pulse]
Leela: I will now make my closing statement. With my fiance
deceased, I hearby return to my single female lawyer career,
no matter what any _man_ says.
Hermes: We find the defendant vulnurable yet spunky!
[Zoidberg and Amy cheer]
Fry: And ... cut!% Bender begins to sing the closing theme song: "Single, Female Lawyer, % having lots of sex ... " when Lrrr interrupts him, appearing on the % television once again.
Lrrr: Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably satisfied with the events
we have seen. Overall, I would rate it a C+. Okay; not great.
As a result we will not destroy your planet but neither will we
provide you with our recipe for immortality.
Fry: [to Zoidberg] Way to overact, Zoidberg.
Lrrr: And now we must return to our planet to catch the end of a
1,000-year-old Leno monologue!% Lrrr runs off, his cape trialing behind him with flair, and his whole % fleet of saucers takes off into the sky. People come out from hiding % and dance in the streets -- whites, blacks, Jews, Muslims, nuns and % clowns hug each other in the joy of the moment, and the Planet Express % crew watch the celebrations from their lounge window.
Bender: You did it, Fry!
[Fry sits on the couch contently, remote in hand]
Fry: Yep. It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV
shows. At the end of the episode everything's always right
back to normal.% Zoom way, way out to show the charred, fiery remains of New New York.
% End of Act Four (6:10)
======================================================================== = Contributers =
{bm3} Barry Margolin {jcl} Janet F. Caires-Lesgold
{bt} Baykent Tukeli {jk} Joe Klemm
{ddg} Don Del Grande {lf} Larry Finkelstein
{ds} Dave Sweatt {ms3} Mike Smith
{es} Eric Sansoni {rs} Reagen Sulewski
{hl} Haynes Lee {sam} Steven Aaron Monroe
{jb} Jason Barrera======================================================================== Like all disclaimers, mine is so short a === First posted : 21-Nov-1999 lawyer on contingency could have devised === Revision A : 21-Nov-1999 it. Shoved down your throat by Jordan === E-mail me: "Fatcat Capsule Gangster" Eisenberg. ===============================