[The advert break ends, and Raven hurries out to the podium from backstage, dressed in long, flowing black robes. Taking a moment to compose himself, he then looks down at his feet, his long, blond hair falling across his face. The stage lights dim until he's almost invisible. Melancholy, ominous music begins playing softly in the background. A single, bright spotlight winks on and focuses on Raven, who slowly looks up until he is fixing the crowd with a piercing stare. The audience fall uncomfortably silent.]
Raven: Imagine alt.tv.friends as a city. A great, towering city in the midst of the wilderness of Usenet. Inside the city walls are the gleaming crystal spires of on-topic conversation; the spoiler houses buzz with activity, and crowds of people flow around the many and varied memory lanes. On the outside are the shanty towns of Off-Topic, colourful, brash and noisy. Some people remain firmly within the city, some defiantly without, while only a few brave souls dare to venture from one to the other. But the community is a thriving one, strong and vibrant.
[Raven pauses for a moment]
Raven: Now imagine it laid to waste. Destroyed. Lying in ruins as the eternal deserts sweep over it. No longer do the towers buzz with news and gossip. No more is there a steady pulse of lifeblood into the city. Friends...
[dramatic pause]
Raven: Friends is over.
[shocked gasp from the audience]
Raven: But, even so, all hope is not lost. A few brave individuals still prowl the wreckage, scavenging what they can, surviving somehow. This small band of fighters has a leader; someone whom they can respect, look up to, and follow in these harsh and difficult times.
[short pause]
Raven: Ladies and gentlemen, the award for Poster Most Likely To Be In ATF 10 Years After The Show Has Been Cancelled. The nominees are:
Claire Abraham Helena Paul Hyett Tina Nellis
[Raven draws a small envelope from out of the sleeve of his robes, and opens it, to somewhat uncertain applause.]
Raven: And the award goes to... Tina!
[The stage lights come up all at once, dazzling the crowd. Tina skips out from backstage, a happy grin on her face.]
* * *
[Speech please, Tina!]
* * *
[After finishing her speech, Tina returns to the podium and turns to face the audience.]
Tina: Of course, not everyone is quite as die-hard a fan as I am. But there are people out there who, in their own way, are every bit as fanatical as me.
[Raven giggles]
[Tina hits him]
Raven: Ow. I think what Tina's trying to say is that some people out there can get a little ... well, obsessive about the people they love. I mean, let's face it, we all love Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and Joey -
Tina: [quietly] To a greater or lesser extent, anyway...
Raven: - but there are some people who maybe take their obsessions a little too far? We now present the award for Poster Most Likely To Be Arrested For Stalking A Member Of The "Friends". Phew. That's one big title.
Tina: And the nominees are:
Helena Paul Hyett Lora Jeffreys (LoraJ) Tina Nellis
[Raven opens the envelope. Quite a large heap of opened envelopes is building up by the side of the podium.]
Raven: And the winner is... Lora Jeffreys!
[applause enwreathes Lora as she walks up to the stage]
* * *
[speech please, Lora!]
* * *
[Lora returns to her seat, and Raven again takes the microphone]
Raven: But that isn't the only way in which a fan's obsession can be taken a little too far. Is it, Tina?
Tina: [indignant] I don't know what you mean!
Raven: I'm sure you don't, Tina. [turns back to the audience] Let's face it, the scripts of Friends have taken many strange turns over the last few years. And I think it's fair to say that not all of us have been one hundred percent happy about the directions the writers have chosen.
Tina: No we haven't!
Raven: Okay, Tina, calm down.
Tina: Sorry.
Raven: We'd like to present the award for Poster Most Likely To Threaten A "Friends" writer's life. The nominees are:
Claire Abraham Tina Nellis
Tina: Hey!
[laughter]
[Raven opens the envelope and then hands the card to Tina]
Tina: Phew. The winner is... Claire Abraham!
[Claire gets up yet again, and the audience goes wild]
* * *
[yet another speech please, Claire! Look, you shouldn't have won so much.]
* * *
[As Claire goes back to her seat, really looking rather tired now after all this walking, the lights go down and the TV company cuts to another commercial break]