The Felicity Commission - Special Felicity is Canceled Edition
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Remember someone killed Jesus too!
I know that all of you have probably wondered how I've been taking the bad news that our dear sweet Felicity's life will no longer be chronicled on television. To tell you the truth I haven't handled the news very well. I've gone through about a thousand tissues wiping away my tears. I've smoked about 7500 Camel Lights. At my lowest, I had to be rushed to the hospital by Bailey my cat after I tried to kill myself by attempting to jam a toothbrush in through one ear and out the other. Now I know how everyone felt the day that Lincoln got shot. The upside? I hear they are filming a 90210 reunion, and thank God because Joey Tata could use the work.
Worst Album Ever
I have Elvis Costello and the Brodsky Quartet on my Mp3 site and every time I head it start in with that Violin crap I want to choke myself with my blue paisley necktie. Why did I put that on there?
Absurd movie moments #109
The other day I'm flipping through the channels when I notice that the movie Rising Sun is very close to revealing some nudity so naturally I decide to stick around. Harvey Keitel and Wesley Snipes are about to pop in and bust Eddie Sakamura. Luckily for us the viewers, Eddie is eating Sushi off of a naked woman. He pours himself some Saki and dips another naked woman's nipple into his glass so he can lick the beverage off of said nipple. When Eddie finishes, he picks up his trusty cell phone and phones Sean Connery to tell him that he needs to talk to him about the missing computer disk. I've never been lucky enough to be in that situation, but if I ever am phoning Sean Connery will be the last thing on my mind.
Greatest Excuse For a Murder I've Ever Heard
I just got finished watching this fabulous Charlie's Angels episode about a guy fixing a horse race. When the lovely Kelly tells the villain his goose is cooked he says "You must understand Kelly that it takes a lot of money to live the way I've been accustomed too." I'm guessing that rationale doesn't go over well to most members of your average jury pool.
The Geneva Convention
With all this talk about prisoner's of war these days I heard it mentioned that the Geneva Convention was signed in 1950 or so. What the hell is that? I watched every damn episode of Hogan's Heroes, which took place in the mid 40s and Hogan was always whining to Colonel Klink about the Geneva Convention this and the Geneva Convention that. Now I find out that it didn' t even exist! This totally ruins my appreciation for what was once my very favorite show. Jesus, if you can't trust the factual reality of a show about a bunch of POWs running and espionage outfit out of a prison camp staffed with crazy amusing Nazis then what the hell is this world coming to?
Ahh child could you loosen my handcuffs?
I for one was shocked. Can you believe our fascist government is trying to put Miss Cleo in jail? Those G-men seem to think that the Jamaican seer is actually a former stripper from Newark. Who knew? I mean every time I saw those commercials she seemed like she knew exactly what was going to happen to everybody. The reason I especially thought Miss Cleo was legit (aside from that I just smoked a really lovely reefer accent) was that Miss Cleo wasn't going to Bull Shit you. Hell, if I were a fortune teller I'd be telling all my customers that they were about to meet a tall handsome stranger, or that yes Pam Anderson was going to ditch Kid Rock and proceed to make you a real man. Miss Cleo gave it straight. If she looked into her crystal bong and thought that your man was running around on you she'd come right out and tell you. Is it really a crime to charge someone $5.99 a minute if you can let someone know that his or her dog is about to die? Hell, if I knew my cat were about to die, you can bet that I'd be extra nice to him and let him gorge himself as destroy my furniture as much as he wanted to before moving on to the great beyond.
The problem I have with most profits is that they try to convince you that they know the future by telling you facts about you from the past. What does that prove? Maybe that person is just gifted with amazing hindsight. By the way, do any of you think that Kenny Kingston is perhaps a little effeminate? Maybe, he knows that in the future we will be much more tolerant of homosexuals? Do you want to know, who I'd pay $5.99 a minute for? Bill Gates! Now that motherfucker can see the future. How about that guy Mark Cuban who owns the Dallas Mavericks? He started a company that never made a dime and got paid a few billion dollars for it. At least Bill Gates sort of earned his money. Mark Cuban having all that money is sort of like Cleveland building a statue honoring the guy responsible for the Cuyahoga River lighting on fire.
My favorite infomercial fraud? That guy Don Lapre. You've seen him. He's the guy who after being on the air for fifty years still looks like he's twelve and claims that despite never learning how to read has a gazillion dollars. Personally, I'd like to see the Government audit that motherfucker just to see how much money he really had when he first started claiming to be rich. Sure, he's probably rich now, but that's only because ten million people have paid him 50 bucks apiece for a cassette tape that tells you to go to flea markets buy old Scooby Doo figurines and then try to sell them for a profit in the classified section of the Bumpkin Times.
Infomercial guy I would gladly kill with my own bare hands
I mat have written this before, but I hate the guy so much it's worth repeating. Tony Robbins must die. You know that 17 foot tall motherfucker with the gigantic fucking teeth. After my girlfriend crushed my heart and filleted it with a cheese grater I found out that she and her friends had all just become big Tony converts. They all chipped in together and were copying all of his tapes for each other. Now if this piece of slime actually held the key to making your life wonderful, would you be so cheap as to bootleg his cassettes? Wouldn't you think that he had earned his money? I found one of his cassettes in her car one day and gave her a disgusted look. She said "You think I broke up with you because of these tapes don't you?" I thought to myself briefly and remembered that she recently told me that I was history despite the fact that no one had ever come remotely close to treating her as well as I had and that she really did love me. I responded, "You're damn right I do!" I'm not shelling out any of my scratch, but I'd bet my life that somewhere in those lessons it says "dumb that nice but flaky boyfriend of yours that is losing his hair." I'm not bitter but someday I'm gonna be wearing an ankle bracelet of those huge Nazi teeth!
Artists and their critics
I bet you've seen an instance of this in the paper before. A city decides that it wants a sculpture or a mural done and pay some famous artist a ton of cash for the job. Then when the guy build a gigantic Chiapet that spells out the words Fuck Off, the city is enraged and there is an artistic freedom debate. Why don't those city guys ask the artist what he is going to make before they toss all those C-notes at him? As for that whole huge debate over Government spending on the arts, it's all a big smokescreen. Republicans find one guy who got twenty dollars to make a Virgin Mary figure out of bird crap and they act like the whole world is coming to an end. There are people sleeping in 7-11 parking lots. Let it go!
Tommy Lee killed my kid
A kid drowned to death in Tommy Lee's pool because the woman that was watching him didn't do a very good job. Now the parents are suing Tommy because there wasn't a lifeguard around. I went to pool parties when I was a kid. Who had lifeguards? And for Christ's sakes, you sent your kid to Tommy Lee's house. I've never had kids and I've never read a book on parenting but I'm guessing that if I write one the first chapter will be titled "Don't send your 4 yr old to the house of a jailbird drummer who has mainlined Tequila and kicked his pregnant wife!" It seems so obvious to me.
Brad's Two Essential Rules of Show Business
1) You're no longer a star if you're arrested buying marijuana on the streets (think David Lee Roth). 2) Posing for Playboy will not resuscitate your career by showing your fans that you are now all grown up. Are you listening Tiffany? Remember poor Dana Plato? Even as she cleaned her mobile home at the trailer park she never truly realized that she would never again be a big star. She'd go on Geraldo to share the secret of how she kicked drugs. She'd go back on Geraldo to tell him that she had actually been stoned during the previous appearance. She'd even pop out of the Green room when they were doing a show on Gary Coleman and that poor little guy would have to hug her and pretend that he didn't think that she was the biggest loser in the world. Here is some advice for you Tiffany. When things get really desperate don't rob a video store and then return a half hour later because you forgot your sunglasses.
Funniest Line of all time
Las Vegas video clerk to 911: Hello, I was just robbed by the girl who played Kimberly on Different Strokes!
The only church I'd ever belong to
About 12 years or so ago, I broke a small bone in my foot playing basketball and was limping through the San Francisco airport in obvious pain. Suddenly, I was amazed by what I saw. No it wasn't Hare Krishna's or terrorists; it was a couple of nuns selling John Coltrane T-Shirts. My mind was all agog. Why would nuns be selling John Coltrane T-shirts? About a month later I found out the answer. At the time there was a church in San Francisco near Haight- Asbury whose patron saint was the late saxophone genius. How insane is that. Here's the story. The pastor of the church used to be a heroin addict. John Coltrane also used to be a heroin addict but he kicked the habit and devoted his life to making beautiful music for God. This pastor saw Coltrane play and was inspired to stop using the drug. Now he has a church and every Sunday he, his family, and anyone who wants to show up have a religious service, which mostly consists of Coltrane's music. Wouldn't you go to church if you could catch a great Jazz show? They do everything a real church does and they have a really cool painting of Coltrane playing a flame-shooting sax. If you think about, I think that maybe you'll agree that the only real evidence of God on the planet is beautiful music, great art, great books, etc. As far as I'm concerned a guy who made great music is a much better candidate for Sainthood than some misguided rube who tells people that they are going to hell if they use a condom. Sadly, prices in San Francisco skyrocketed during the Internet boom and I think the church had to move outside of the city. There's probably a Starbucks there now. Damn heathens!