[The lights come up once more, to reveal Raven standing at the podium, framed by two cardboard cutouts. On his left, Ross. On his right, of course, Rachel. They appear to be looking straight at each other, ignoring Raven completely. This is not unusual.]
Raven: Whatever your feelings may be towards them, you cannot possibly have seen more than a handful of Friends episodes without becoming intimately acquainted with Ross and Rachel. Whether they're breaking our hearts in The One The Morning After...
[in the audience, someone shouts "Wuss!" loudly, and is promptly thrown out by big, scary bouncers]
Raven: ...breaking our hearts, or making us feel all warm and fuzzy inside, or just making us laugh out loud, Ross and Rachel are a fact of Friends life. For such a pivotal couple, it seems only natural to have an award; the Poster Most Dedicated To Ross And Rachel. So who is this fiery individual? This tough customer, this staunch defender of the turbulent couple, this hero of their cause? Well, the nominees are:
Claire Abraham Tina Nellis
Raven: And the answer is...
[Raven drops the envelope]
Raven: Drat. Sorry. It'll just take a minute...
[Raven bends down to pick up the envelope. The microphones pick up the noise as his spine makes the most fearsome cracking sound. He straightens up again.]
Raven: [quietly] Ow. I need to work out more. [loudly] Yes, the winner of the award.
[Raven slits the envelope with his finger, neatly slicing through the skin as he dose so. Blood begins to drip onto the stage. He looks at his finger and turns very white.]
Raven: Uh... the... uh... The award goes to Tina! Excuse me.
[Raven takes a step away from the podium, then collapses. Somewhere in the crowd, another voice shouts "Wuss!" Tina steps up, a gleeful smile on her face. The applause is deafening. Again.]
* * *
[Another speech please, Tina! Who keeps nominating you, anyway?]
* * *
[As Tina finishes speaking, two new cardboard cutouts are lowered from the ceiling by mechanical arms. Surprise, surprise, it's Monica and Chandler. They're placed in front of Ross and Rachel]
Tina: And how could we have an award for Ross and Rachel without honouring our other couple?
Raven: Both sides have their devotees, of course. I've been told they've even been known to clash from time to time, some minor disagreements or something.
Tina: *Oh* yeah.
Raven: Well, I'll take your word for it.
Tina: Ladies and gentlemen, the Poster Most Dedicated To Monica And Chandler!
Raven: The nominees are:
Ashley (EvilJungleCow) Helena Lora Jeffreys Lauran Mitchell William Pora
[Tina opens the envelope as the applause begins]
Tina: And... well, this is different. We have a tie! The award is won *jointly* by ...
Raven: Helena, and...
Tina: William Pora!
[the crowd applaud madly]
* * *
[Speeches please, William and Helena! Do one speech together or two separately, whichever]
* * *
Raven: Well, we're coming to the end of the awards now. One more little one, and then the two big ones to finish off the ceremony.
Tina: [giggles] You mean like...
Raven: [quickly] No rude jokes, Tina.
Tina: Sorry.
Raven: Besides, that's the wrong way round.
[Tina hits him]
Tina: We've had some dire posters over the years, let's face it.
Raven: Yeah. How did I *not* get nominated for this award?
Tina: Beats me. My nominations must have got lost.
Raven: So anyway, the award for Worst Poster. And, amazingly, I'm not going to win it, so I'm really looking forward to rubbing whoever's nose in it.
Tina: The nominees are:
Ashley (EvilJungleCow) Rob Cypher
[Raven opens the envelope, not that he needs to]
Raven: Well, with a big hitter like that, I don't think the outcome was ever in any doubt. This cross-posting troll flooded our beloved group with rubbish time and time again. If only he were here we'd drop acidic goo on him.
[from the crowd, in MNL's direction]: Acidic?!
Raven: The winner, of course, is Rob Cypher, may he burn in Hades.
[from the crowd again]: Acidic?!
[applause]
Raven: And so now we come to the last two. So far tonight we've heard a lot about people who are still on the group, but what about those who've left?
Tina: Like you, you mean?
Raven: No, I mean people who *really* left. The kind who haven't come back, or who've been away properly for a long time, rather than dropping in every five minutes. People we all know and love, and without whom the group is lessened.
Tina: The nominees for the Most Missed Poster award are:
Michael Curtis (MNL) Lee Green (Funny1) Sean Hoyles Paul Mitchell Jane Rogan (Meat Pie) Raven
Raven: Whu? Me?
Tina: Actually, I think that's my fault. I took it to mean people we kept shooting at with sniper rifles but couldn't hit.
Raven: Oh, right.
[Raven opens the envelope]
Raven: And the winner is... Lee Green!
[wild applause for many minutes, and cut to adverts]
[the lights come back up at last]
Raven: And now we come to our final award tonight. This is the only award in the ceremony that reflects the service of a group member over many years, not just 1999, so it's perhaps fitting that it's left until last.
Tina: There are some people who've given and just gone on giving to alt.tv.friends for what seems like forever. This award is for them.
Raven: The ATF Lifetime Achievement Award isn't given lightly. Truly, these people are our kings and queens. Our GODS.
Tina: Easy, there.
Raven: Uh, sorry. Carried away. The nominees are:
Claire Abraham Brad Bethke Robert Coakley Dionysian Don Lee Green (Funny1) Tina Nellis
[Tina opens the very last envelope]
Tina: And the winner is... Lee Green!
[wild applause]
[after several minutes and many standing ovations, the lights all go out apart from a spotlight on the podium, framing Raven and Tina]
Raven: Well, that brings us to the end of tonight's awards. I'd like to say one or two words before I go. I hope you've all enjoyed the awards; I certainly had fun writing the scripts for tonight. I'd also like to thank anyone who misguidedly nominated me for any of the awards. It means a lot, so thank you. I'm sure Tina would say the same, if I weren't writing her scripts too. [leans forward conspiratorially] As it is, I can make her do anything. Watch this!
Tina: ...
[Raven whispers something to her]
Tina: [quietly] Oh, all *right!* [loudly] Bungle bungle bungle, banana banana tree.
Raven: How cool is *that*?! [laughs]
[Tina glares at Raven]
Raven: Well, goodnight, ATF. Congratulations to everyone who won an award, and take care of yourselves.
Tina: Goodnight, everyone! Have a safe trip home.
[lights go down, curtains fall to the sound of applause]
* * *
Author's note: part of the above script was written by Tina Nellis, before I took over the writing. She wrote the good bits.
Raven