And as we head into the summer doldrums, I have spouted so much about what these people should do, I've decided to put my tongue firmly in my cheek and become Dear Abby. These fictional characters responded to my new vocation quickly and clamored for my wisdom. English people may choose to read this after they've seen the finale.
Here's what some of them said:
Dear Claire:
Ever since I married Monica and made all my dreams come true, I seem to have lost my groove, my snap, my Bing. What do I do to put back in the zing?
Signed, The Guy Who Used To Be Funny
Answer:
Dear Monica's Dishrag:
Well, if it were up to me I'd suggest you divorce the screech owl. That will make you less hen-pecked, and yet strangely enough, less satisfied and more bitter, which is what gave you your zing. (I think you are happy because you are regularly getting some from a woman who is as pretty as she is annoying, but that's just me.) However, I don't think Marta and David want that, so I suggest instead that you spend lots and lots of time around Joey. You love him like a brother and you two work great together, but he's just stupid enough to drive you crazy and make you say zingers. That should work without ruining your love life.
Dear Claire,
I'm being completely ignored! I've got the ONLY ACTRESS IN THE CAST who has EVER won an Emmy, and they treat me like I'm Gunther! I gave birth to triplets for these people and I didn't even get to keep one! What the hell do I have to do to get a storyline of my own?
Signed,
What, Am I Not Weird Enough To Be Interesting?
Dear Emmy-winning Bit Player:
Well, you can't get pregnant again, that's been done to death. For some reason, you can't get a good storyline unless you are in love with another Friend, so I suggest you make a pass at Ross. Or Joey. Or both. Or even Chandler - now, that will spice things up. Yeah, break up Chandler and Monica's marriage. That will solve Chandler's problem, too. Wait, you say you don't even like Chandler? Well, that never seemed to stop Ross and Rachel, so go to it, girl!
Dear Claire:
Sniffle. Sniff. How do I get my Mommy to like me? Sniffle. Sniff.
Signed,
Unloved Daughter
Dear Monica;
Oh, you poor thing. Sweetie, at this point, the only thing I can suggest is a sex change operation, since nothing else appears to work. Then you will be her son rather than her daughter - and since she just treats you the way Nana taught her to treat a girl, she'll probably make you a prince once she recovers from the shock. There are added bonuses to this; first of all, this crisis will either make Chandler realize he's gay, solve that series - long dilemma and you two will continue to be happy, or it will drive him into Phoebe's arms and solve HER problem of not having a story. The added testosterone will probably also solve your constant PMS problem.
Deer Clara,
Im in love with Rachel and I can't have her becaze she doesn't luv me and Im sad. But I cant go after her becaz she and Ross are ment to be together and my own damm actor sez so. What can I do to make her luv me?
Dear Don't-you-understand-she's-a-Siren?
Joey, go get yourself a really good, substantial and comforting girlfriend. That strategy always makes her more interested in Ross, so it should work for you, too. On the other hand, just get yourself a nice girl because you deserve it. Rachel is not a nice girl, and loving her makes you all mopey and depressing, just like Ross was in season two. Yeah, I thought that would make your eyes widen in disgusted shock. Go get 'em, tiger. You are the only completely emotionally healthy Friend. Stay that way.
Dear Claire,
The world doesn't revolve entirely around me yet, and the only person I can make heel all the time is Ross. Will this situation improve when I become a mother?
Dear Princess...(not going there)
Rachel, if motherhood does not solve this particular problem of yours, as you focus intently on the needs of a tiny, helpless person who needs you to care for her constantly, nothing will. Keep Ross handy. He will help. And, you know... you WERE on a break. Kind of. A little.
Dear Claire,
Now that I have two small children, I am increasingly concerned that the pollution level on this planet will accelerate the progression of global warming. There is evidence that global warning could eventually trigger another ice age, which as we all know is a likely cause of the mass extinction of the dinosaurs, although other experts think it was a massive meteorite...
Um, Ross... I'm an advice columnist, not a science expert. I guess you could write your local Congressman and protest our refusal to support the Kyoto treaty...
No, what I meant to ask was... I gotta get my kids out of this city. The air is unbreathable. Do you think Rachel would move away with me?
Yeah, probably, but you'd better hurry. And Ross... watch what you keep lying around in your pockets. You can't trust ANYBODY these days.