NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America. In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

• Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.

I quoted:

You've probably seen this before and I wasn't going to post it here until the events of today changed my mind. There's a few rules I could add to it but I don't think I could do the original justice. Any rules you think the author missed?

Always CC (Who thanks his little lady for always bringing him new things to smile about.)

I guess it's funny if you're not the target of it.

====== es*o*ter*ic b : of or relating to knowledge that is restricted to a small group

2 a : limited to a small circle

In article , [email] (EsotericGrrrl) wrote:

Well, I think British humour has a tendency to throw around insults a bit more lightly than American humour. It's just a different style, and is by no means restricted to jokes about Americans.

The US reply goes like this:

Dear England

Having reviewed your "NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE" we are prepared to accept, subject to certain conditions and satisfactory answers to the following questions.

CONDITIONS

1.We must be allowed the option of playing winter rules in golf matches. Scores are much better when we find ourselves unrestricted by arbitrary and capricious (found in Webster's New World Dictionary) rules, ostensibly promulgated over 100 yrs ago by a man wearing a skirt. Like, you know, get modern.

2. While we don't mind parting with Utah (where exactly is Utah?), we also insist that New York, based on it's recent elections, be given to the French Canadians. We feel the long term effects of Hillary Clinton will be significantly more devastating than a nuclear attack. Additionally, we would have to seek the advice of the Chinese to assure proper use of our weapons.

3. We also insist that California be offered up in mandatory auction to Mexico and Vietnam, since those are the only two languages spoken there. Gays would not be permitted to emmigrate, and negotiations regarding the nationality of actors cast in "good guy" roles would need to be conducted with either of those countries. Additionally, proceeds from the sale would be used to offset outrageously high petrol prices that would be imposed on us, not to mention taxes required to support nationalizing health care.

4. Quite frankly, we don't know what to propose with regard to Palm County, Florida. It has been a place where we have secretly been storing our mental deficients, and we do not believe it would be in any of our interests to retain it, now that the secrect is out. (besides, with the the arrival of Jesse Jackson and 150 barristers it is now full.)

5. You are more than welcome to add a holiday in November, on any date, and call it whatever you like. Keeping in mind, however, that America does not enjoy the same 12 month winters that you do, we insist on a holiday to substitute for July 4. Said holiday must be shhhhheduled during our summer months.

QUESTIONS

1. Will we be permitted to retain a sense of humour, or must we conform to British standards?

2. May we have an occasional "Tea Party," preferrably somewhere in the northeast?

• Will we be allowed to occasionally remove our jackets and ties?

• May we still drink coffee?

5. Must we delete "f**k, from our vocabulary? (I was unable to find it in the Oxford Dictionary)

6. When are elections for the Queen? How long does she serve? When are elections for the King? Is Bill Clinton eligible to run for either office? If he wins the Kingly election, does Hillary become Queen, or does she have to be elected seperately? And what about Princess Chelsea?

7. Is there really a difference between English and Australian accents? Please describe.

• What is a pound? May we still use dollars?

9. As contrasted with real "football," what is rugby? Is that the sport where, instead of the participants wearing full kevlar body armour, the spectators do, instead? Is that the sport where all the participants, in short pants I might add, jump into a pile in the middle of the field, and do God knows what to each other? At least our sexual deviancies are confined mainly to the quarterback and center, and are performed out in the open. As to playing with girls, we find that condition acceptable on its face.

EDITORIAL

Permit me to offer some insight into recent events in our country. 8 years ago, when Clinton took office, he took the starch out of the White House. (or did Monica take it out on her dress?) Oh well, you get the idea. Anyway, since our laws do not permit him to serve another term, we attempted to find an acceptable substitute. Someone that would provide us, and the rest of the world, with the same degree of dignity, pride and competence that we became accustomed to under his leadership. Someone not afraid to declare war on Haiti..not afraid to bomb an aspirin factory in Sudan to distract from tawdry events at home...willing to commit our full military might to an international "meals on wheels" program....willing to allow all Americans equal access to Motel 1600 for the same price, etc, etc, etc. We were unable to find a substitute with the same qualifications. Ergo Nov. 7th. Since that time, however, both candidates have taken steps to bring their images more into line with what we are accustomed to. Right now Al Gore is leading. I do note with interest that one of your terms...that being the rt. hon. Tony Blair as our (is it MP or PM?) may offer the solution to the quandry in which we find ourselves. In any case, we are pepared , subject to the above conditions, to allow the revocation of our independence. Continuing to be the only world leader is just not as much fun as it was when we thought we knew who the enemy were. We tried to declare war on Quebec, but because none of us speak French, and their laws insist French be spoken, they sent our declarations back, refusing to recognize them.

Finally, should your "NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE" not be revoked before 11:59 pm est on Friday, November 17,2000, you will find yourselves in possession of our lands, our hearts and, most importantly, our minds.

England, ay? . . . . never mind, at least they didn't put 'merry' and 'olde' before it.

to

Nope you'll have to conform to our level of humour with the wonderful things like sarcasm included. NYC probably wont have problems with the cross over. It probably will mean that 99% of sitcoms produced wont be funny but we are sure you will not notice a change.

We used to allow chimps the same right but people said it was cruel, we can't be shown to have duel standards on the matter.

We find it easier to shower without them on, also contrary to popular belief are coats are not red.

Of course but just plain coffee where the only choice is with or without caffeine. We realise that what the outcome of this may be for Seattle but it'll make the queue move much more quickly in coffee shops.

in

Our studies have indicated that most movies would be half the length and that run down inner city neighbourhoods might be somewhat quieter.

office?

have

We tend to settle our disputes over the monarchy with war, please remember your own civil war, it tends to cast an air of resolvement that the courts can't overturn.

Struth mate, that's a hard one, just don't ask the Sheila she'll spit the dummy. Appreciation of the differences between our accents might be helped if you manage to portray them correctly in the media.

You will still be allowed to use dollars generally because of the benefit it offers us while shopping over there. However we do ask that all your currency now have the image of HRH's head on it, to save yourself some time you might consider stealing some coins from Canada. Also there may come a time where you wish to opt in to our currency but we believe strongly on the identity of a nation's currency. We aren't going to change our form currency why should you be asked to do the same?

do

As

We find rugby to be an excellent way to keep the upper class kids away from the football pitch. Football however doesn't discriminate on sexual preferences, our gay footballers are holders of the World Cup. People who want to cause damage to each other tend not to be found in rugby but around the pubs following most kinds of sporting events. We don't ask them to wear full body armour as we are sure that would interrupt their fun.

Always CC

Yes, poor Quentin Tarantino. All his movies would just be two-and-a-half minutes of people standing around saying "mother".

• Mari (did anyone notice I was gone?!)

it

Quite true and the only rap records produced would generally be only from Will Smith, thank god.

I'm sorry, you are?

Always Coca-Cola

In article , "CandiGrrl" writes:

I did! Where you at?

CandiGrrl wrote...

I did. I was expecting you to come around on a unicycle dressed like Britney, but <sigh> you never did. ;-)

Adeline wrote in message news:9138ub$jcj$[email]...

Britney, but

Wait - that WASN'T your house? Oops...

CandiGrrl wrote...

Well... actually, yeah. But my camera was broken that week, so, you know, it doesn't count.

James Moar wrote:

We have the August bank holiday car parking on the motorways in a torrential downpour ritual. What more do you want? It's terribly unBritish to have holidays on days where there might be nice weather, you know...

Oh, it's in there. :)

Jac

In article , Jacqui wrote:

It's not in Chambers, which goes straight from "f" to "fa".

Tennant

Some people have way too much time on their hands. hehehe

Ellie wrote:

This quite funny piece has been turning up all over the net. Now there is an American answer, which includes, among other things, refusal on the grounds that we won't go back until somebody in the Motherland learns how to cook.

Was it the Bill Clinton one?

====== es*o*ter*ic b : of or relating to knowledge that is restricted to a small group

2 a : limited to a small circle

Oh we can cook quite well, it's what happens when you don't have a fast food joint on every corner.

Always CC (Who's tiffin is to die for.)

I don't know about rules the guy missed, but one rule you missed was putting "OT" in the subject line. It really is courteous to do it. DR

putting "OT" in the subject line. It really is > courteous to do it. DR

ROTFLMAO!!!

Always CC (Who thinks its gotta be the funniest thing he read yesturday when the news server was down.)

Hilarious.. But only to us foreigners who see how caught up in themselves the americans are. But you've still gotta love 'em!

Coca-Cola skrev i meldingsnyheter:90s1ke$fol$[email]...

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To our English Brethren:

Thank you for your kind and generous offer to return us to the bosom of Mother England. While our enthusiasm for restoring glory to your faded empire runs high, we have several questions and concerns that we would like to have addressed first. Please do us the courtesy of keeping your responses both animated and brief.

1. If we were to rejoin the Commonwealth would we be allowed access to the Millenium Dome in London that we have heard so much about? Americans are unfamiliar with entertainment on such a grand scale - we view the Millenium Dome as the "holy grail" of leisure. There is so much to learn.

2. How is the Millenium Bridge over the Thames shaping up? There are so many of us who dream of walking from St. Paul's Cathedral to the Tate Gallery. Perhaps we could plan a some sort of reconciliation ceremony to take place on the bridge. We'll meet you half way.

3. We are interested in how exactly you are choosing members of your House of Lords now that the days of simple, gross nepotism are behind you. Some of our new-wealth ".com" millionaires are interested in perhaps buying themselves seats in this august body if and when our great nations do reunite. Sounds jolly-good, does it not? You could be killing two birds with one stone - filling a seat in the House of Lords and putting a little something back in the royal coffers at the same time.

4. We are troubled by the lack of fan violence in American sports. We request that a team of your most skilled soccer hooligans be dispatched poste-haste to Washington D.C. to show us the ropes. We want to do for baseball what you have done for your own national pastime.

5. The question that is on everybody's mind here is whether or not Americans will be eligible for your generous social welfare system. We have been working awfully hard these past 8 or so years keeping the world economy afloat and most of us are just plain exhausted. We understand that life on the dole in your country can be quite comfortable and that a healthy grown man can hold his head up high through a lifetime of subsidized work avoidance. Simply put, we want in.

• Please have somebody explain Cricket to us.

7. We realize that this is a touchy subject but if we are to join forces again then a frank discussion about the food situation in Mother England must take place. We know you are grateful that the one true remaining legacy left from your subjugation of the Subcontinent and Hong Kong is the presence of palatable cuisine in England - but what are you doing about the mad cows? We Americans enjoy our steak thick and rare - hold the BSE.

• Will the Spice Girls ever be reunited?

We are looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, Your American Brethren