ATF Awards 1999 - Part 3

Raven: And now, of course, we come to the Big Three. Let's face it, these are the awards you've really come to see, aren't they? The exciting ones.

Tina: Without further ado, then, let's begin. On-topic posting is a delicate art, a combination of analytical abilities and moral considerations, usually with a helping of passion and devotion to the show and its characters thrown in.

Raven: Hey, cool, that sounds like some of the rubbish *I* spout.

Tina: Shut it, you. That took ages to write.

Raven: Sorry.

Tina: This is the award for Best On-Topic Poster, for the year 1999.

[Raven produces another of these envelopes. Where do they keep coming from?]

Raven: Well, the nominees are:

Claire Abraham Robert Coakley Sean Hoyles Tina Nellis James Squire

[applause begins as he opens the envelope and hands the card inside to Tina]

Tina: And the winner is... Claire Abraham!

[the crowd goes insane]

* * *

[Claire, speech please!]

* * *

[Claire returns to her seat, but Raven's already hogging the microphone again]

Raven: And now we come to the other side of the coin, the dark side of the newsgroup. Off-topic.

Tina: [impressed] Hey, that was alarmingly succinct. For you.

Raven: Shut up.

Tina: Off-topic posting. This comes and goes, of course, but there's always at least one thread somewhere that has nothing whatsoever to do with Friends ... and these days, Larissa's usually in it.

[from the audience]: Hey!

Tina: This is the award for Best Off-Topic Poster. The one who's made us laugh, made us think, or just made us wonder what on Earth they're talking about. The nominees are:

Dionysian Don Lee Green (Funny1) Jacqui

[Raven opens the latest envelope]

Raven: And the winner is... Lee Green!

[wild applause that lasts for several minutes]

Raven: Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me no pleasure to tell you that Lee can't be here to collect his award. As we all know, he isn't too well at the moment. But I know that he'd get a huge kick out of this award (especially for beating Jacqui to it), and we all wish him well, and to his wife, Jenny, who is doing remarkably well in a difficult situation. Jenny and Lee, we're thinking about you. Lee, you've earned this award. You're the best.

[somewhat sombre applause for a few more minutes]

[finally, Tina goes back to the microphone]

Tina: Well, we've seen the awards for on- and off-topic posting. But sometimes there are people who rise above that, who can't be pinned down into a single category.

Raven: These are people who are on-topic stalwarts, but still take a walk on the wild side from time to time. We're talking the best of the best, the cr�me de la cr�me, the bee's knees, the... I'm doing it again, aren't I.

[audience, Tina, sound crew, and pretty much everyone else]: YES!

Raven: Sorry.

Tina: We'd now (finally) like to present the award for Best Overall Poster. Nominees, Raven?

Raven: Yep, got 'em right here. We have:

Claire Abraham Larissa Markiw (Peachlilli) Tina Nellis

[Tina goes to open the envelope. Raven reaches out and grabs it out of her hand]

Raven: I'll be taking *that*, young lady! Now, then... The winner is: Claire Abraham!

[the applause is ecstatic. Claire gets up from her seat again, smiling.]

* * *

[Another speech, please, Claire!]

* * *

[Claire makes her way back down to the crowd. At this point, the TV company decide to cut to adverts again. The stage lighting dies. Muffled bumps and crashes can be heard as Tina and Raven try to make their way backstage.]

[The orchestra start playing *really* cheesy music. They stop when they realise no one can hear them over all the booing and catcalling.]

In article , Tina wrote:

Oh I say, jolly good show! What?

Wish I'd known him. :)

Pip pip! The British win once again!!!!!

Tennant, (a little puzzled that everyone looks puzzled)

Okay who wants to tell him?

Jon

I wrote in message news:8dchnr$hiv$[email]...

Ooh, ooh, ooh! She's the *American* Beauty of the awards.

Jon (Who smiles proudly, hits a writer and legs it.)

Dont get me started on THAT movie! :o) ~Act

And it does appear that Lee is The Matrix.

(Claire sits in the audience, whispering to herself. "It's OK that I didn't win this year, it's OK that I didn't win this year it's OK that I didn't...)

(Claire goes insane.) Huh? Wha? Which? How? AGAIN? WHY???

(Begins a dazed walk up to the front stage. As Claire did not expect to win anything this year, she is dressed in the jogging clothes she wore to the gym. At her side is a three year old boy and a toddler girl. Claire has no makeup. Looks like a harried mother of two.)

(Claire is speechless. Sam grabs the microphone and yells, "HELLO? HELLO? LOOK AT ALL DEEZ PEPLE!" Sarah just smiles and waves.)

Uh, hi. Um, yeah. Gee. Uh, is there, is there, like, a mistake because, uh, I...haven't exactly been the most enthusiastic or good-tempered person this year... and I, uh, figured half the newsgroup just wanted me to apply a roll of masking tape to my mouth-er, fingers, er...

(Sam begins singing "Old McDonald" into the microphone.)

Sam, honey, not here...

(Sam switches to Itsy Bitsy spider and continues through the rest of the speech.)

Um, I do-I don't have...a speech ready because, I, I did nothing but complain about Ross and Rachel all year... oh, and I guess I wrote a song...no, wait that was this year, uh...uh, I guess I should thank ...well, no, I don't wanna thank the writers because I'm mad at them... and I don't want to thank the cast because this was all Schwimmer's idea, and I...I want to thank all of you, because you are being AWFULLY forgiving. You must.. you must. (sniffle, bawl) YOU LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME! (Tina and Raven gently escort Claire offstage. Sam runs back on and begins singing "Old McDonald" again.)

claire abraham wrote: Congrats Claire! and good speech! ~Act

In article ,

I should've posted this a couple of days ago, but Jen says she did tell Lee, and that she's sure he would be very honored and have some snide comment and joke to add. She says thank you to everyone.

Larissa

I heard PeachLilli's cries on the wind...

-snikt-

Ah. I sent her an email about it, but I didn't know if she'd read it. Thanks.