_The Look-Alike Series_ Daria fan fiction by Canadibrit Episode 12: "World Geek Show" prose adaptation by Austin Loomis
"...and I am waiting for the war to be fought which will make the world safe for anarchy..." -- Lawrence Ferlinghetti, "I Am Waiting"
"If dysfunction is a function Then I must be some kind of genius" -- Pitchshifter, "Genius"
Up in Lynn Cullen's dark and mysterious room, three people were gathered: Daria Morgendorffer, Lynn's look-alike, online at Lynn's computer; Jane Lane, artiste extraordinaire, reading over her friend's shoulder; and Lynn herself, reading _Do You Want Fries with That?: Career Prospects for the Aspiring Writer or Artist_. Daria looked over and noticed her double's reading material. "Your unbridled optimism never ceases to amaze me, Lynn," she observed in her usual deadpan tones. "Enough to make you sick, isn't it?" Lynn smirked, then shrugged philosophically. "I don't know why I'm bothering, to be honest. I'm a trust fund brat as of this New Year. My Aunt Lorna set up a pretty hefty wad of cash for my personal use -- available to me if we all survive the millennium...and if I promise not to put any of it toward my college education." Another smirk. "She said that's what my mother's for." "Is this a Cullen or a Smythe? Or do I really need to ask?" "She's Dad's sister...and, apart from my father, the most hated Smythe of all. She encourages my defection from both families whenever she gets the chance. In fact, she's airlifting me out of this year's Cullen Christmas Crap-fest by bringing me out to London...along with whatever friends want to come along." She paused to gather her most tempting tones. "Feel like wreaking some havoc in The Smoke this Christmas?" "I might. I'd happily skip being subjected to Mom and Aunt Rita doing their best spitting cobra impression. And though I'd miss Aunt Amy, I can't dismiss the opportunity to further alienate my parents out of hand." Jane started thinking out loud. "Well, Trent's probably going to be either partying or hung over for most of it anyway...and Mom and Dad have already told me that they're spending Christmas in Aruba this year...Hell, why not?" "Now that that's settled," Lynn moved right along, "what do you think Ms. Li's big assembly tomorrow's all about?" Now it was Daria's turn to smirk. "To introduce us to the latest batch of sniffer dogs?" "Now, now, Daria," Lynn chided her duplicate in mock-stern tones. "You know the woman only has our best interests at heart." Even she had to snicker at that. "Honestly, though, whatever it is, it *can't* be good." "And that optimistic streak shines through once again."
* * *
The next day, in the Lawndale High Auditorium, four figures were sitting in a little row fairly far back: Jane; Daria; A.P. McIntyre, Lynn's long- time partner in crime and quite possibly Daria's new boyfriend; and Lynn. Jodie Landon, semi-superstudent, dropped herself into the seat on the other side of Lynn from A.P. "Urine tests or meeting the new narcs?" she wondered. That was one of the upsides of the new, improved Jodie, Lynn reflected. The old Jodie, before Lynn and Daria had taught her how not to give a damn what other people think of you, would probably still have *thought* that, but she'd only have dared *say* it in the presence of the few people she felt comfortable around -- her boyfriend Mack, for instance, or Daria -- certainly not in front of most of the student body. "We must not mock," Lynn warned her. "Coming up with worst-case scenarios usually results in some sadistic deity saying `You thought *that* was bad? Try *this* one.'" "Oh, come on," Daria scoffed. "What's Ms. Li actually empowered to *do* to us?" The answer to that question was about to be revealed, as Angela "Don't pray *for* me, pray *to* me" Li stepped up to the podium. "Gooood morning, students! We are here this morning to bestow a great honor onto a select few students of...Laaawndale Hiiigh. These students have achieved a level of academic excellence in a given field of study, and their achievements will be acknowledged by an invitation to participate in the Lawndale IQ Showcase...the date of which will coincide with the visit of the school board in three weeks' time. If your name is called, please come up onto the stage!" Daria, Jane, Lynn, A.P. and Jodie exchanged looks. "Barch grades on a curve against guys, right?" A.P. asked nervously. "I should be safe." Lynn sighed. "Not anymore, she doesn't. Daria, Jane and I saw to that around homecoming. I bet *all* of us are getting into this." _I guess it's true what they say: no good deed goes unpunished._ "For Economics," Li announced, "Jodie Abigail Landon!" As each name was called, its owner came up onto the stage as ordered -- I mean requested. The Overachiever rolled her eyes as she got to her feet. _Here we go again..._ she thought, remembering the Grove Hills experience. "History...Daria Morgendorffer!" Erudite Emerald rolled *her* eyes. _Oh Lord, I have suffered such fools._ "English...Lynn Cullen!" The Purple Peril, originator of these nicknames, raised her eyebrows. _And you expect me to, what, be impressed?_ "Art...Jane Lane!" Art-Smart Scarlet raised one eyebrow. _Oh, goodie -- more censorship._ "Science...A.P. McIntyre!" The Psycho-Maverick gave an evil grin. _You're going to *regret* that..._ "Physical Education...Kevin Thompson!" Lobotomy Ken came to his feet with his usual excrement-eating grin. "All *right!* I'm the QB!" The Cynics Five all raised eyebrows. They could almost see the bubbles leading up from each other's heads to their shared thought balloon: _Like we care, right?_ "Mathematics..." Finally, all the names had been called. Daria, Jane, Jodie, Lynn and A.P. were standing in a little knot, as far from the podium as they could get without actually falling off the stage. Kevin was standing right by the podium, grinning like a maniac. A few slightly familiar student faces acted as a buffer between the gang and Kevin -- you'd know them by sight, even though their names have never come up, but this isn't a very visual medium, so you'll just have to take my word for it. Ms. Li gave them all a benevolent smile. "In three weeks, these pupils will represent you and...Laaaawndale Hiiigh. You will prepare a presentation of your most prominent skills for demonstration to the school board. Participation is mandatory. Anyone who fails to contribute a presentation will not be permitted to graduate. Congratulations, and remember; bring honor to yourselves and..." "Yeah, yeah..." Lynn said dully, then perfectly emulated the reverential tone which which Li always spoke the name, "Laaaawndale Hiiigh." A few snickers erupted from the audience. Li looked as livid as her pigmentation would allow and then some. "That is all. Back to classes, all of you!" She stormed off. Daria, Jane, Lynn, Jodie and A.P. looked at each other. "Is she *always* like that?" A.P. wondered. "Only when she feels her honor's at stake," Daria replied. "And she usually does." "Can we get out of it?" Jane reflected. "Maybe...but that would involve telling my mother about it and..."
* * *
"That's *great,* honey!" Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer grinned at dinner that night. "Yeah, it's *great!*" Jake Morgendorffer confirmed his wife's euphoria. Then something occurred to him. "What's great again?" "*Jake*," Helen refreshed her husband's memory, "Daria is being honored for her accomplishments at school!" She turned to Daria. "Well, it's about time, too, with all the work you put in." "I don't do it for the glory," Daria deadpanned. "I do it so I can go to a top-grade university and finally be free to lock myself in my room and read without repercussions." Helen was exasperated as usual by her daughter's attitude. "Daria, you could at *least* be a bit *enthusiastic* about this! I mean, this will look *wonderful* on college applications!" "True, but I think I'd prefer being honored for the work I do on my own, instead of having an assignment dumped on me on short notice and accompanied by a threat of not graduating if I don't do it." Helen was shocked, but did her best to hide it. "You must have misheard her. I mean, I *know* Ms. Li's a little..." She tried to decide how best to say it. "Hitler." "*Daria!*" Helen warned. "But she can't possibly be as bad as all that." Warily, she asked, "Can she?" "Um ... yes, she can," Daria's younger sister Quinn chimed in, rather emphatically. "Remember violation of civil liberties?" Daria reminded her mother. It was quicker than saying _Remember her censoring that poster Jane and I did for the "Student Life at the Dawn of a New Millennium" contest because O'Neill didn't like my use of the word "vomit" in the caption? Remember her entering the altered version of the poster in the contest over both our objections? Remember Jane and me defacing the poster to protest her actions, and her trying to bust us for "destroying school property" that was only school property because she'd nationalized it?_ Helen was suitably chastened. "Oh. True." She decided to try a different tactic. "Well, what if I made it worth your while to sort of...take your mind off Ms. Li, hmm?" "Blackmail on the one hand, bribery on the other. All you need is someone to threaten to rough me up if I don't comply for the Mafia criteria to be completely fulfilled." "I'll do it, kiddo!" "Jake, would you let me handle this?" "Aw, Helen, you take my paper away and now I can't even encourage my own kids. I never get to have *any* fun." Helen decided to just let that one drop, turning her attention back to Daria. "Look, I *know* it seems like we're being a little overly forceful here, but since you have to do it anyway, I thought I might sweeten the deal for you. If you're determined to see it in a negative light, then perhaps I shouldn't bother." Daria shrugged. "Okay. I won't bother graduating then." _Whoops! [address] "A hundred dollars up front." "And I get to go to London with Lynn and Jane over Christmas." "But Christmas is a *family* holiday!" "And nothing says family like insult-flinging around the Barksdale dinner table, right?" Helen sighed. Daria had a point there. She *did* love Rita, but it was hard to remember that sometimes. Well, most of the time, but still. "All right." Somehow, she could tell Daria wasn't quite done. "What else?" "And decrease the cut of my allowance you're putting away for college to 40%." "Sixty." "Fifty. And I get the hundred now." Helen knew when she was beaten. "Done." "Done." Daria smirked as Helen reached for her handbag. "How do you *do* that?" Quinn whispered. Daria raised her eyebrows. "Do you really want to know?" Quinn nodded hopefully. Daria had to think it over, but finally decided it couldn't hurt. "When I think you're ready, I'll introduce you to a friend of mine. She's a better teacher than I am."
* * *
The next day, Daria approached Lynn, who was leaning so far into her locker that her head and shoulders were no longer visible. "The wages of shortness are death...if you can suffocate under locker junk." "Yeah," came the muffled reply, "well, if that happens, I'll have got out of that stupid assignment for Ms. Li. -- Be a pal and give the bottom of my jacket a yank. I think my shoulders are wedged in here." Daria yanked, and Lynn fell out of her locker. "Thanks. -- On the other hand, this assignment has its advantages." "Parental extortion?" "Two hundred dollars up front and an increase in my allowance, plus no pressure about using the new trust fund for college." Daria felt her eyes widen. "You're good. I just got 100, permission to join you in London over the holidays and less of a cut taken out of my allowance." "Don't sell yourself short. You gotta learn to walk before you can run." "Very Zen. And that reminds me...feel up to corrupting someone new?" "Depends. Talk to me after we've made it through this newest horror." "Fair enough. -- Any ideas?" "One. Drop by mine after school and we'll have a look at the old idea generator." "Subversion_Is_We again?" "And the Temple of Subversive Literature that is my bookshelf. Got a better suggestion?" Daria shrugged. "Good point." So she and A.P. entered once more into the Chamber of Dark Mysteriousness and sat on the Purple Peril's desk, flanking her as she surfed England's top one-stop societal overthrow shop. "They want our most prominent skills? Let's make them sorry they asked..." _Last week on `Conjuring Today,' we learnt how to saw a woman in half. This week we're going to learn how to saw a woman in three bits and dispose of the body._
* * *
In one of Lawndale's libraries, Daria was reading _All Things Dark and Merciless: Ten Great American Atrocities_, making notes as she went. A librarian looked at her strangely. A.P. wandered around the exterior of Lawndale High with one of those little measuring wheels. In English class, Lynn looked speculatively at Timothy O'Neill, writing notes occasionally. The Wimp-in-the-Willows noticed Lynn's fixed stare and smiled nervously at her. Lynn raised an eyebrow and treated him to a *very* small, *very* evil smile of her own. O'Neill's eyes widened and he shrank backwards. Unnoticed by O'Neill, A.P. was reading _Let's Get Pyromanic!: a Do-It-Yourself Guide to Home-Made [address] while Daria read _America the Brutal: a History_. In Jane's room, Lynn handed Jane a bunch of papers. Jane scanned them briefly. At the first page, she smirked and raised an eyebrow. At the second, she laughed. At the third, she turned an odd shade of green and looked at Lynn with something akin to horror -- _my lack of God, you *wrote* this?_ Lynn shrugged. Jane shrugged back, reached for her palette, and began to paint like a woman possessed as the Muse took hold of her painting arm. Walking the halls of Lawndale High, A.P. took out a hammer and chisel and started chipping at the wall. Ms. Li passed by and looked at him strangely, but he just waved and kept on hammering. In the children's library, Daria was reading aloud from _Dead Stars and Prison Bars: America's Shame_ to an audience of rapt children ages 5-10 whom Tad and Tricia Gupty had rallied 'round her feet. In science class, Jane and Lynn looked at Janet Barch in the same fixed, assessing way Lynn had been considering O'Neill in English class. Occasionally, Jane would sketch something or Lynn would jot down a few notes. The Bitter Pill looked questioningly at them, and this time, both girls treated her to a *very* small, *very* evil smirk. Barch shuddered much as her boyfriend O'Neill had done. Down in the boiler room, A.P. was taking measurements and banging away on a small calculator. A German shepherd dog approached and sniffed at him, then growled. A.P. produced an aerosol can and sprayed it at the dog's nose. The dog keeled over. A.P. put two fingers to the dog's neck, checking its pulse, then laid a hand on the dog's chest. Then he made a few more notes. In the library, Daria was sitting among a bunch of books. At the moment, she was reading _Burn, Baby, Burn: the Truth behind the Salem Witch Trials_. A young man started reading over her shoulder, but when he found something that unsettled him, he ran off with a hand clapped over his mouth. Daria did one of her Mona Lisa smirks.
* * *
Daria was up in her room, typing rapidly, occasionally consulting the pile of notes at her side, when there was a knock on the door. "Not now. Busy. Come back when the shooting gallery's closed." "See, Helen!" Jake squawked from the other side of the door. "Next time you'll *listen* when I warn you she might be on drugs!" "Jake," Helen exhaled exasperatedly, "she's being *sarcastic.* Don't you know your daughter at *all?*" "Age, height *and* favorite color!" he announced proudly. His wife must have greeted that with the lungfish stare it deserved, judging from his next words. "Well, Jane wouldn't give me another question!" Daria had to smirk at this ridiculous conversation. "Sweetie...can we come in?" "Not without a warrant," Daria replied. Helen breathed an exasperated sigh. "Look, we just want to know how the project is coming." "Fine. Working now. Go away." Helen entered the room anyway, Jake trailing behind. Daria immediately closed the window she'd been working in. Helen sighed. "Twenty dollars if we can see how you're doing." "Nope." Helen was stunned. "You're not even going to *try* to bargain it up?" Daria shrugged, and Helen's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Why don't you want us to see that?" Daria shrugged again, making Helen even more determined to see that report, even if it killed her. "Fifty." Daria shook her head. "A hundred!" Helen was now hissing slightly. Daria smiled and held her hand out, palm up. Helen elbowed Jake, who hauled out his wallet. Helen counted out some bills and handed them to Daria. Daria, in turn, opened a file on her computer and rolled her chair away from the desk so her parents could see. They read it and smiled. "I'm impressed, Daria! You've really grasped the history here." Daria shrugged. "Thank you. Can I get back to work now?" "Of course, sweetie! Sorry for disturbing you." Helen and Jake walked out, smiling from ear to ear. Daria closed the fake window and opened up another one, then began typing again with a self-satisfied smirk. _Suckers._
* * *
The next day, Daria walked up to Lynn's locker, where the Purple Peril was struggling to open a thermos. "Did Mommy pack soup or Spaghetti- Os this time?" "Funny girl. It's coffee. No sleep. Muse running rampant through brain and disrupting sleep patterns irrevocably. Must have caffeine or will expire." She addressed her next comment to the thermos itself. "Open, damn you..." Daria grabbed the thermos and wrenched it open. She tried handing Lynn the little cup that the lid becomes, but Lynn shook the hand away and guzzled some java straight from the flask, then wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. "Better. Brain refueled...however briefly. -- From that smug look on your face, I take it the ruse worked?" "You were right. Silence is a lot better than opening negotiations. And they bought that crap about America the beautiful." "How high did it go?" A smirk. "Another hundred." A raised eyebrow. "Impressive. You learn fast, grasshopper." A.P. approached just then, flipping through a notebook. "Hey," Daria led off, slightly shy. "Hey," he replied, equally shy. "How's the project?" "Profitable. You?" "Entertaining. How about you, Lynn?" Lynn blinked hard. "Caffeine hit wearing off." She guzzled down some more coffee from the thermos. "Ah. Powers of speech returning. -- Fine. Jane and I are working really hard on a joint effort." Daria looked around. "Where is Jane, anyway?" As if on cue, Jane shuffled over to her friends. She was pale and worn, and her eyes were mostly closed. "Does anyone remember my locker combination?" she wondered groggily. Lynn seemed genuinely concerned for her collaborator. "Couldn't you have had Trent call you in sick?" "Trent sleeping. Wouldn't wake up. Threw water at him. Didn't work. Bummed about Daria..." She woke up enough then to realize what she'd just said in front of whom. "Whoops..." Daria glared at Jane, who leaned against the lockers in a boneless sort of way. Lynn took the thermos lid and poured some coffee into it, then offered it to Jane. "Just be careful. This stuff is potent." Jane shrugged. "Can't be as strong as..." She poured the coffee down her gullet. Lynn cringed. Then Jane's eyes shot open in shock, and she choked and sputtered as the caffeine hit. "I warned you," Lynn reminded her. "How do you *make* it that strong?" "It would scare you to find out." She saw Jane's pleading expression. "Another time." Ms. Li approached then. "Good morning, students!" She cast a suspicious look at the thermos. "What's in there?" "Coffee." Jane smirked evilly. "Try some, if you want..." "Of course not!" Li replied nervously. "I trust you..." The quartet raised eyebrows -- one each -- and smirked. "I just wanted an update on your projects." In unison, they replied, "Fine." Li was instantly suspicious again. "Give me an overview. Titles, perhaps." Daria spoke first. "An in-depth study of some of America's most memorable historical moments." Lynn chimed in. "Jane and I are working on a joint multimedia effort. I call it `My Dream Day At Greenvale High.'" A.P. rounded it out. "Easy, cheap and home-made improvements of Lawndale High." Li smiled her most plastic smile. "Very good. I'm glad to see you four entering into the spirit of this. Good day." With that, she walked away. The foursome shared another smirk. "I skated around the truth," A.P. allowed as. "How about you guys?" Daria decided Mason Locke Weems had said it best. "`Forgive me, Father, for it was I and come what may, I cannot tell a lie.'" She capped off the Parson's memorable cherry-tree fabrication with a Mona Lisa smirk. "In the same manner as we didn't lie in Operation Faeces Tauri," Lynn added. A.P. understood -- the Purple Peril had told him how she and Erudite Emerald had spin-cycled Lawndale High's many bugs into features. "And how much feces will hit the fan when she sees what we *really* did?" Jane wondered. Daria shot a sidelong glance at Lynn. "I would assume that someone not a million miles away has prepared for that eventuality... am I right?" Lynn's only reply was a smug smile.
* * *
In front of Laaawndale...sorry, Lawndale High, the IQ Showcase draftees -- Daria, Jane, Lynn, AP, Jodie, Kevin and those familiar faces I told you about at the assembly -- were standing in a line behind Ms. Li as she greeted three people in suits -- two men and one woman. "Welcome to...Laaawndale Hiiiigh. We have prepared a presentation of some of the finest talents this school has to offer." "Thank you," said one of the male suits, then turned to the group and said, "Hello." Daria, Jane, Lynn and A.P. looked at each other. "Just one remark," A.P. pleaded. "Please?" "I don't think so," Daria replied. "We don't want to over-egg the pudding here." "She's right," Lynn agreed. "Some things should only be carried so far." _That's why Li's codename is the Nazi Jackboot, not the Nazi Jillboot._ A.P. was authentically disappointed. "Damn."
* * *
In the gym, Kevin was repeatedly hitting a tackling dummy. "I'd worry about the brain cells he was losing," Daria mused, "but..." She didn't say any more. She didn't have to. "You never know," Lynn pointed out. "It might bring a few lone synapses together, make him think for once." The base of the tackling dummy snapped from the force of Kevin's last blow, and the QB toppled gently to the floor. He sat up briefly, grinned and waved at the watching group, then passed out. Lynn sighed. "Then again..."
* * *
In the science classroom, A.P. was standing at Ms. Barch's desk. In front of him were a model of Lawndale High, a spray can, and something that looked like a cross between a digital alarm clock and a distillery. On the chalkboard behind him were various chemical equations and molecule diagrams. "...any given shampoo or soap," he continued explaining, "is an excellent source of glycerine and, with careful treatment, nitro- glycerine is a really easy thing to make...provided you don't overdo the heat and blow up the lab." Kevin was wearing a bandage on his head and weaving slightly in place, only physically present. Daria, Jane, Lynn and Jodie smirked. The rest of the assembled masses looked horrified. "After experimentation with my mother's Valium and various poisons, I decided that the least harmful way to incapacitate Ms. Li's bomb-sniffer dogs was to use codeine extracted from common household cough syrup in a spray-can form." He picked up the spray can and stepped over to Kevin. "Allow me to demonstrate." He sprayed Kevin's face three times. Kevin looked at him, still weaving. "Hey, dude..." With that, he fell over. The suits stared at him, wide-eyed; so did those familiar faces. Ms. Li glared, and the cynics' mob kept on smirking as A.P. made his way casually back to the desk. "So once the guard dogs are disabled..."
* * *
By the time he was wrapping up, the group at large was still horrified, but Li looked livid and Daria, Jane, Lynn and Jodie were still smirking. "And now for a visual demonstration. This model of Lawndale High is made to scale. With the right explosives set in the right places..." He set up a blast shield, put on goggles, and pressed a button, then ducked under the desk just before the model of the school exploded. The crowd, even his friends, jumped a little. A.P. then stood up again, regarding the smoldering remains of the model of Lawndale High. As if it were nothing much, he finished, "...Lawndale High could be completely levelled. Thank you." Daria, Jane, Lynn and Jodie began to clap lightly. The rest of the group joined in, rather hesitantly. Ms. Li was turning a strange shade of red with fury.
* * *
Jane's paintings were set up in a rough horseshoe shape around the edges of the art room. The three suits and the other students -- minus the still-doped Kevin -- were studying the paintings and looking a little green -- understandably so. One of the tamer, or at least less graphic, ones showed the terrified face of a teacher who looked a lot like a blond version of arts instructor Claire Defoe, reflected in the blade of a kitchen knife. At the center of it all, Lynn was reading the writing that had inspired this art. "`Ms. March looked at her chosen prey. ``Come with me,'' she said to the trembling male. ``I want to try it praying mantis style.'' O'Toole, alarmed but strangely aroused by the idea, stepped towards her, unable to resist...'" A short time later, the female suit looked at one particular painting and fainted dead away. Jane hid a laugh behind her hand. Lynn continued reading. "`Mr. DeAntonio, half blind from when the rage finally claimed him and destroyed his eye, thrust the knife into Ms. Crusoe's torso again and again, all the while howling in a voice both filled with triumph and choked with fury, ``I *warned* you not to get new wind chimes! *I warned you! I warned you!*''...'" Near the end, one of the male suits ran out with a hand to his mouth. Jane chuckled openly at that. Ms. Li shot her the Facial Expression of Doom. Lynn wrapped it up. "`With the death of the majority of the football team and half of the faculty, the travesty ended at last. As the bloody corpses were hauled away, Ms. Pamela Wu stared at her tragically fallen empire. She could not go on without the power the place had given her. There was only one thing left to do, she knew; she took up Mr. DeAntonio's discarded gun and pointed it to her temple. ``It should have been me,'' she whispered, and then she pulled the trigger. And the tragic kingdom of Greenvale High was truly destroyed and, while none could admit it, a small piece of every heart rejoiced at its passing.' That's it." Ms. Wu, I mean Li, looked about ready to throttle Lynn and Jane on the spot. Daria, Jodie and A.P. each gave their colleagues small thumbs-up signs. Lynn and Jane took a small bow.
* * *
In the room where Anthony DeMartino usually taught history, Daria had rigged up a slide show to accompany her words, kicking off with a picture of three tall ships -- the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria. She began reading her essay. "Since Columbus set foot on this land mass some 507 years ago, America has been viewed as a land of opportunity and wealth. But these things have come at the price of opportunism and greed. Columbus' men made unreasonable demands on the resources of the Native Americans they found when they reached the islands, chopping the hands off anyone who would not -- or could not -- give them what they wanted. In return for the riches of the West, Columbus and his men brought with them destruction, plague, and genocide of an entire race. And since that time, things have not improved." If looks could kill, Ms. Li's eyes would have been inflicting a slow and painful death on Daria. Jane, Lynn, A.P. and Jodie were still smirking to beat the band. The suits, and the other students, looked shocked. A short time later, the picture was a scene from the '96 film version of Arthur Miller's play _The Crucible_, with three people about to be hanged. "The American people saw opportunities everywhere...even in the laws of their church. Using the fear of demon possession and witchcraft that permeated Christian faith, people accused their neighbors of witchcraft in order to take revenge, gain land or even covet the husband or wife of the condemned. And so, the laws of the church were used to break the laws of the church." A mushroom cloud. "After complaints that the Japanese had no right to honor after their sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, the bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and the Japanese were given two weeks to surrender. Perhaps they didn't realize the horror with which the Japanese have viewed failure since the late 1800's, but after four days, anxious to test their newest toy and impatient with the wait for the Japanese emperor to surrender, the second bomb was dropped on Nagasaki. For decades after that day, the legacy of America's impatience, pettiness and zealous obsession with being the world's greatest superpower lives on in third-generation leukemia sufferers." The woman suit was crying, and one of the male suits looked like he might join her any second. Ms. Li, despite her best efforts not to show it, looked even more upset, assuming that was somehow possible. Finally, a riot scene. "The so-called `police action' was raging in the east and, due to the American desire to avoid being seen as overly ruthless, the force necessary to end that police action was not used in Vietnam. When the youth of the day rebelled against being sent to die because some people in a distant, non-threatening country had a different take on politics, they were beaten back mercilessly. And so we see the American way; kill the peaceful, twist the laws to your own advantage, take what you want at any cost. A tenacious race, the American people...reminiscent of the common cockroach in their ability to survive. Thank you." The entire audience looked pretty much ashamed of themselves and their country...except Jane, Lynn, A.P. and Jodie, who treated her to a mass thumbs-up. Daria returned their congratulations with her best Gioconda smirk.
* * *
"That went surprisingly well," Daria remarked later as she and A.P. were sitting opposite Lynn and Jane in a booth at Pizza King. "You mean the presentations, or the bit where we got out before the suits left so Ms. Li couldn't corner us?" Jane asked wryly. "Hey," Lynn pointed out, "if she tries getting us into trouble for this, I can remind her that she never set any conditions on the content of the presentations. And this should provide a little memory boost in case she `forgets' what she said." She took out her Dictaphone with a smirk. "I always keep it handy these days. This little beauty's helped us out once before." Daria and Jane, who remembered its pivotal role in Operation Bag-a-Hag, nodded. "What else?" A.P. wondered. "You don't normally go into battle without a backup plan." "Well, Daria informed me of a conversation her mother had with Ms. Li concerning violation of civil liberties. I have enough notes on that to tip the balance a little more to our side, and if I bluff by saying Mrs. Morgendorffer will back us up on this one, that'll help us even more." _Especially if I use the phrase "big fat lawsuit."_ That sounded good to the Psycho-Maverick, but he was still a little suspicious. This was, after all, the Purple Peril he was talking to. "And then..." Lynn sighed, obviously reluctant to say even this much. "I've been saving some bits of information for a special occasion. I won't say more yet, but I'll pull out that ace if I have to...and *only* if I have to." Jane raised an eyebrow. "Deadly ace?" "The ace of spades. The death card. The final, irrevocable damnation of Ms. Li. But only if I have to...or at the end of my senior year, whichever comes first." The other three looked at her curiously. She shrugged and took a bite of her pizza so she'd have an excuse not to talk about it any more.
* * *
The next day in the hall, the four of them were standing by Daria's locker. They weren't doing anything, but to passersby, it looked very much like they were waiting for something. "Watches synchronized?" Lynn asked. "Yep," Jane confirmed. "Start the countdown." Daria counted. "Five...four...three...two...one..." And right on cue, the voice of doom came over the PA system. "Will Miz Morgendorffer, Miz Lane, Miz Cullen and Mr. McIntyre report to the principal's office *immediately!*" The foursome looked at each other, rolled their eyes and walked off to keep their appointment. They found Ms. Li sitting at her desk, looking a little -- quite a bit, actually -- dishevelled. She was so angry she almost choked on the first words out of her mouth. "And *what* do you four have to *say* for yourselves? They tried to look cool and composed, and very confident in a quiet sort of way. "The First Amendment," Daria nonchalantly replied. That only further infuriated the power behind the pantsuit. "I can't *believe* you are trying to hide behind the Constitution of the *very* nation you *mocked* yesterday!" "I didn't mock the Constitution. I didn't mock *anything.* Do you have a problem with the truth, Ms. Li?" The penny dropped. "You are going to try to worm your way out of this, aren't you?" Lynn raised an eyebrow. "Try, nothing. You haven't got a leg to stand on here." Li obviously knew this, but equally obviously didn't like having anyone point it out to her, least of all these deviants. "I issue you," she hissed, "with an informal reprimand. If you do *anything* to mock my school again, there will be repercussions. As it is, though, I have no choice but to let you go." She watched the four of them smirk as they made their exit, then took a swig from her hip flask and allowed herself a little grin of her own. "But you'll get yours," she stage- whispered. "All four of you." _I can't touch you little subversives... but if I play my cards right, I won't have to._
* * *
Out in the hall, A.P.'s face split in a triumphant grin. "All right! Brutal! That's that over!" Lynn sounded dubious. "I don't think so, somehow." "What do you mean?" Jane boggled. "I mean, she didn't even *try* to punish us!" But Daria was catching on. "That's the strange part. She'd normally be all over us on this, but she went really quiet." "Do you think she knows about the Dictaphone and the bugs?" Lynn wondered. "Seems likely, doesn't it?" A.P. decided it was his job as court jester to lighten things up. "Well, never mind that now. We've still got aces in the hole to deal with her if she gets rough. Now is the time to celebrate!" Lynn sighed. "You heard about the grasshopper who sang all summer?" That sounded familiar somehow. "The ants fed him, right?" Lynn sighed as her best friend completely missed the point. "Celebratory pizza fest?" Jane proposed. "To be honest," Lynn confessed, "I'm getting a bit fed up with pizza. Wan Foo Mai Tai out on the highway?" "Then bad sci-fi movies on cable?" "I think bad slasher movies are in order after yesterday," Daria counteroffered. "I noted the entire collection of _Nightmare on Elm Street_ videos in your room, Lynn." "Cool," Lynn replied. "So Chinese, then schlock horror pics." "Then execute my plan to firebomb the school?" The other three looked at A.P. as witheringly as that one deserved, to his considerable disappointment. "I can dream, can't I?"
ADAPTOR'S NOTES The reference to "She Knows She's a Winner" as having been "nationalized" was, on at least one level, a reference to a letter-writer in my area who frequently includes, in his paranoid anti-NWO screeds, the accusation that the Clinton adminstruation (tm IfItMovesTaxIt Inc. -- see <http://www.bartcop.com> for details) is "nationalizing the FBI." If anyone reading this knows how in Hell's teeth this or any other government could nationalize a government bureau, please call or write this station. No, I know CB never *said* that Tad and Tricia brought those kids to hear Daria's reading, but it makes sense, doesn't it? The pseudonyms in Lynn's story were my idea (it didn't make sense that she'd use real names, given that even using *no* names had gotten her and Daria threatened with head-candling), but I cleared them with CB and she allowed as how she'd have done that herself if she'd thought of it. "Wu" was probably an homage to Danny Bronstein's coinage "Tiffany Woo" from back before we connected the Fashion Club's Tiffany with the "Tiffany Blum-Deckler" mentioned in "The Invitation." "The Facial Expression of Doom" was the ultimate weapon of Madame Margarite Chauchamois in C. Luc Reid's musical "Diary of a Space Alien," produced at New College of the University of South Florida during the 1988-89 school year. As such, it may be the most obscure reference in any fanfic ever. If Barbara Cox (who played Madame), or Luc (book, lyrics, music, and playing Madame's hypnotized half-space-alien handyman Chemical Joe), or anyone of the other weirdos I knew at New back in the day, is reading this, drop me a line. Or look me up on sixdegrees (I know Franklin Veaux, at least, is in the Big Cloud). Whatever. Obligatory legal blap: Daria Morgendorffer was created (as were the rest of the Lawndale characters) by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn, and she and her neighbors are copyright 1993, 1997, 2000 MTV Networks, a Viacom company. (As Michelle Klein-Haess has pointed out, work-for-hire sucks the yolks from ostrich eggs.) Monty Python quotes and characters are copright 1970, 2000 Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd. They are here used, without the permission of their creators or owners, in the not-for-profit context of fan-fiction. The characters of Lynn Cullen and A.P. McIntyre are copyright 1999, 2000 Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, as is this storyline, which was adapted by Austin Loomis (to whom the prose format version is copyright 2000) with permission. All other characters, locations and incidents (of which I don't think there are any, actually) are either imaginary or used fictitiously. Any coincidence of names is regretted, and any resemblance to persons living, dead, undead, or wandering the night in ghostly torment is either purely satirical or not my fault. As a "substantially transformative" derivative work, this story is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music. It may be freely redistributed as long as this copyright notice is maintained intact, but may not be in any way redistributed for profit without the permission of the legal owners of all concepts involved. The present author hereby gives permission for any and all keepers of Daria fanfic pages to archive this work (as if I could stop them). Any publication of this story for profit without the express written permission of Austin Loomis, Janet Neilson and MTV Networks (like any of that'll happen, especially the last) is strictly prohibited, and violators, if I ever decide to track them down, will be strung up by the thumbs, beaten about the head and shoulders with a free-range carrot, and then handed over to corporate lawyers who will do terrible things to them. On purpose.
Austin, and good day. Al D T0 W- Q Fw^Fr O+ Ow+OH+Of m c- MV+ F:111,208,313 BB+ FCT -DT+ q fJ^fj^fD